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5:47 a.m. - 2007-02-19

BRITNEY F'N SPEARS

First off ... I may as well say something about Anna Nicole Smith although everything has pretty much already been said.

Don't know if you've heard or not but ... she's dead.

Yeah. I know. Tough break, Annie. Better luck next time.

I was pretty bent out of shape when her son died. To me, that was a tragedy.

Anna N's death was more like a punchline.

Granted, her death was sad for ... I dunno ... Joanie Laurer.

But the rest of us ... you could hardly call it "shock".

I mean ... the woman was a poster child for drug abuse. If you saw her on TV and bothered to turn up the volume, chances are you were greeted with a barrage of slurred and bleeped words that were usually doing their best to be spat out with as much venom as a drugged out redneck could spew.

Did she have to die?? No.

Did she die because her "husband" Howard K. Stern saw her as a cockblock to the one thing he wanted more than anything ... the old guy's fortune?

You betcha.

It's a whole lot easier to fight in court and get that fortune when you're fighting to get it for a six month-old baby than it is to get it for a babbling incoherent ex-stripper.

And apparently he's worked for years and years to perfect this plan on how he's going to get to that money.

Now he's a whole lot closer to it than he was.

And no matter how freakin' creepy the guy is and no matter how much we all think he had something to do with two deaths in six months ... he's one step ahead of us and will probably not only walk away scot-free but with a poopload of money in his pocket.

Hell ... Entertainment Tonight has already paid him $1 million to broadcast him with his face in his hands while he faked crying.

That's just the tip of the iceberg for the guy.

I'm personally waiting for my "R.I.P. Anna Nicole" car air freshener to hang from my rearview mirror.

It's coming.

If Howard K. Stern has anything to say about it.


Now then.

Britney Fucking Spears.

What the fuck happened to this kid?


The best I can figure is she got fame at a young age.

She busted her ass to become a star.

Well ... her parents busted her ass to become a star.

She did it.

She banged Justin Timberlake who, after getting what he wanted, told her to hit the road.

Low self-esteem started creeping in.

She banged one of her backup dancers.

He asked her to marry him and she thought "Hey! Maybe I don't have a repulsive vagina after all!" and agreed to marry him.

One kid ... BOOM!

Two kids ... BOOM!

While she's reeling from the constant pregnancy, she decides "Hey ... maybe I made a mistake here. This guy's kinda creepy and everyone says so. Maybe I should tell him to take a hike and Justin will see it and he'll come back to me."

So K-Fed's told to get lost.

THEN ... and listen to me here because this is my theory ... POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION sinks in.

The facts ... the girl's been pregnant more than not over the last three years.

Two kids in two years ... that's gotta be tough. K-Fed was hittin' it before the stitches were out.

So you've got the Post Partum going ... you kick the hubby out and think "I can do this on my own! With the help of several nannies of course."

You decide to sow your wild oats because you're now a free woman who DIDN'T GET TO BE A REGULAR TEENAGER.

So you hook up with a bunch of Hollywood chicks who went through the same thing ... they got thrust into the limelight and had to play the Hollywood game while skipping the high school prom and the slumber parties and the underage drinking and drugging and showing up to clubs with no panties on.

Then the Hollywood chicks say "Ummmm ... look. Maybe you're not right for us because ... well ... you've got two kids at home. Maybe you should go be a mommy instead."

And Britney's all "Hey y'all ... it's cool ... I've got nannies and shit. LET'S PARTY!! WHOOO HOOOO!! I didn't shave my nannoo nannoo just to go home and breast feed!!"

But the Hollywood chicks snub her anyway because ... and here's a revelation for you ... but Paris Hilton is smarter than Britney Spears.

Granted, a peanut butter sandwich is smarter than Paris Hilton but that's beside the point.

So Britney ... spurned by her new friends, ex-husband and the American public, decides to make new friends with strippers.

Because everyone likes strippers ... right??

Hey ... MY head nodded when I typed that sentence so it must be true.

And it's when she starts hanging out with strippers that her family says "Hey Britster ... maybe you need rehab because your kids are shitting all over the house while you're out changing clothes with strippers in seedy clubs.

And Britney says ... "Okay sure. I'll try rehab!"

So she goes to Eric Clapton's Rehab-A-Go-Go and it's all fun and games for about 20 minutes and then she realizes that rehab means giving up partying.

And she bolts out of there.

And the media is following her every step and saying "Why'd you quit rehab Britney? Why'd you quit rehab?!?"

Britney freaks the freak out.

And with everyone coming down on her from all directions she has the preamble to a nervous breakdown.

She swings into a salon to get her hair colored again.

But decides she wants all that hair shaved off.

Shaving off her hair is a new beginning. It's kinda like New Year's Eve into New Year's Day. Shaving your head is a fresh start.

Trust me.

I shaved my head three years ago.

After I had been fired from a job that I thought I'd have for the rest of my life.

After I found out I was overqualified for just about every job I applied for.

After three months of being unemployed and sitting in my nice big new house and wondering how we were going to make the mortgage payments on my wife's salary.

And after two weeks of being a freaking telemarketer.

I had a miniature nervous breakdown myself.

And the only natural thing to do was to shave the head.

And I had a fresh beginning from that point on.

I concentrated on making my DJ business work and grow.

And once that happened, I let the hair grow back.

Now I have no interest in shaving my head again.

Because my life's back on track.

And even though she makes a great punchline, I hope Britney gets to a point where she can let her hair grow back as well.

Or else she'll be joining Anna Nicole on a slab somewhere while everyone fights over her.

Or ... even worse ... become a telemarketer.

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