THE SCARY CLOWN LADY

If I were to die today, it'd be okay.

Because I have now seen the ugliest woman known to man.

I know that I have this reputation as being a sort of humanitarian and a guy who would never say anything bad about anybody, especially their physical qualities.

But holy shit this woman was ugly. She was so ugly she scared doors when she approached them.

We were walking into a restaurant last night and as we were being seated, my wife said "I saw an old friend of mine on the other side of the restaurant. I'm going to go say 'hello'."

That's fine.

I can deal with that.

I'm a big boy. Andrew and I can amuse ourselves until she gets back.

But then she's gone for like 10 minutes and the waiter's all "Uhhhhh ... bitch gonna order somefin' or what, yo?"

So with Andrew in tow, we go looking for the female in our family.

I saw Susie.

And then I saw ... it.

I've seen my share of ugly women in my day, friend.

But this thing was ... god. It looked like it could eat you ... bones and all.

Her face was severely pockmarked from teenage acne.

She wore a hideous amount of aqua blue eye shadow. It bypassed her eyebrows and settled into the upper parts of her forehead.

She used cherry red blush ... and lots of it. Her cheeks were covered in red like she'd just bitten the neck and drained all of the blood out of an abnormally large beaver.

Her lips had the same cherry red lipstick but it looked like she had applied her lipstick while on a roller coaster.

And the teeth.

Oh my heavens ... those teeth.

They were golden yellow with no two teeth going in the same direction.

Susie's all "Hey ... this is my old friend Godzilla."

I swear to GOD people ... I looked at her and had to instantly look away. I was all "Pleased to meet you ... Good God almighty look at all the decorations in this place!"

Andrew just stared as politely as he could.

"The waiter is waiting on you," I said to Susie. "You need to come back to the table."

That got her back to the table where I just stared at her.

"What?" she said.

"I don't think I have an appetite anymore," I said. "That was the ugliest woman I've ever seen in my life. Are you sure she's a woman?"

"She's very nice," Susie said as she studied the menu.

"I'm SURE she's very nice!" I squealed. "I bet she has a heart of gold! She has to! With a face like that, she can't afford to be an arrogant slug."

"Alright, that's enough," she hissed.

"No, I don't think so," I hissed back. "I could have lived the rest of my life without seeing something that creepy. Why did you make me come over there?"

"I didn't MAKE you come over there," she said.

"We came here to eat, not talk to gargoyles with no fashion sense," I said. "You would have sat there all night talking to that thing. I rescued you from its evil clutches. I should get some sort of medal or something. I'm a freakin' hero. I stared into the face of death and had the common decency to not say "Nice eye shadow, death."

The rest of the meal left me shuddering in fear that the woman would dare to hobble across the restaurant to bid us farewell and then try to eat a small child on her way out and I'd have to explain to those eating around us that I didn't know the woman and it was Susie's fault she just ruined every appetite on our side of the building.

And ate somebody's kid.

Susie's fault.

Not mine.

Jeepers Creepers.

I have seen the face of ugly.

And it isn't pretty, my friend.

For those of you who haven't seen this season of "American Idol", I don't blame you. I never watched the shit til this season and now I'm hooked even thought it's admittedly the worst season ever.

Anyway, Sanjaya is from India and can't sing to save his life.

He can sing just fine if the song calls for him to sing in breathy hushed tones that nobody can hear.

But when it comes to being onstage, he has the thinnest, most pathetic voices known to man.

Yet, he keeps getting through to the next round.

The judges are all kicking themselves because it's their fault he made it to the big stage, but it's America and its insatiable desire to piss off Simon Cowell that keeps Sanjaya there.

Here's a bit of nerd trivia for you.

At the beginning of this season, I proclaimed "I'm going to watch American Idol from beginning to end this year and see what the big fuss is about."

Susie said "I wish I didn't have better things to do with my time to join you."

Basically she was saying "Get off the couch you lazy asshole and do something around here instead of watch a talent show."

But in the last few weeks, Susie's been walking through the room while it was on.

And she sat down.

And she got into the contestants.

And she booed Simon.

And Tuesday night, she made a running list of all the contestants, what they had sang and she put them all in order from "Love" to "Hate" to rank her favorite contestants.

And then if you couldn't get through to vote on Tuesday night, it was my wife's fault.

She got through the busy signals and voted for Melinda and Lakisha a total of 130 times until she passed out.

God.

I married the biggest nerd.

The biggest nerd who has befriended the Grim Reaper in the flesh, that is.