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12:27 p.m. - 2007-05-04

WIDE EYED AND PEPPY

I'm at work and I'm so freakin' hungry.

But I'm too tired to get up, get in the car and go get something to eat.

I've got the money.

I've got the appetite.

I've got the intestinal fortitude to go sit in a drive thru lane for 30 minutes just to get a cold hamburger and fries.

I just ain't got the energy.

So I'll just sit here and starve.

Kids in Ethiopia ain't got SHIT on me.



I finally realized something.

Y'see ... I'm a sucker for a woman wearing sunglasses.

Up until last night, I never really knew why.

Now I do.

Care to find out why, do ya??

Here we go.

Because I'm also a sucker for eyes.

I love me some pretty eyes on a lady.

Got pretty eyes??

Then I'm all goo-goo when I talk to ya.

And sunglasses hide those eyes.

So when the sunglasses are taken off, it's almost like a woman undressing for me.

I'm all like a little kid ... "Lemme see the eyes! Lemme see the eyes!!"

And sunglasses are like a sexy bra or something.

I dunno.

Anyway, last night I did a party for an organization and it was outside and one of the gals in charge was wearing sunglasses.

So immediately ... I pop a boner.

I'm kidding.

But while I was setting up, I thought to myself "Nice sunglasses ... I wonder what her eyes look like?"

And then it dawned on me ... THAT'S why I like a lady in sunglasses!!

Voila!!

So the sun went down and the chick took off her sunglasses and she was all cross-eyed and shit.

Broken blood vessels in her eyes.

And my imaginary boner went limp.

She was about as sexy as a hernia.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked me as she sashayed past my table.

"Yeah," I replied. "A boner sling."

(Not really. Once again, that was a joke. Or something trying to be a joke. Good God, I'm tired. I'm so tired I can't get up to get something to eat and I can't make a funny boner joke. Jeez Louise.)



Speaking of boners (we were, weren't we? At least I was) did anybody see "My Name Is Earl" from a couple of weeks ago when Norm McDonald was on and Earl kicked him in the nads?

My God ... "Earl" is a great show and all, probably in my top 20 favorite shows right now ... not necessarily a "Must See" each week.

But I haven't laughed that hard at a TV show in years.

It just kept getting funnier and funnier.

When Earl saw Norm's balls and the result of his kicking and then tried to describe them to his friends with the visual aids of a mango, a purple magic marker and a hammer ... I thought I was going to have a heart attack I was laughing so hard.

It's called "Little Chubby" or something. Lemme go do some research on that title.

Found it ... it's called "Two Balls, Two Strikes".

Heeeeelarious!!


Finally, I received an email from my old buddy Bonnie Burton over at grrl.com.

Bonnie was one of the editors of that wildly popular "Never Threaten To Eat Your Co-Workers" which is for sale for like 12 cents on the right side of this page.

Bonnie says that there's a class at Ohio State University that's requiring the students to read that book.

I'm not sure if "class" is the right word there. It's been 25 years since I was in college and even then I spent more time terrorizing sorority chicks with my drunken pick-up lines than actually going to anything that may or may not have been called "class".

Anyway ... even though I'm only a small part of this collection of awesome bloggers in this book, it's kinda weird to think that in Ohio, there's a college course where I am required reading.

For those of you who may have liked what I wrote in the book and decided to see if I'm still alive here on the site ... hi.

Sorry to disappoint you today.

Did I mention I was tired?

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