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7:15 a.m. - 2001-07-07

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT UNCLE BOB BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK

1) Name and nickname(s)? Uncle Bob....Bobsey Twins, Bobbola, Bobinator, Bobzilla, Bob The Knob, Bob Bob Bob Bob Barbara Ann, Asshole, Jerkweed, Dipshit, Hey You, The Original Dirty Fartlicker.

2) Favorite place you have lived? Hendersonville, Tennessee. A suburb of Nashville, there was always plenty to do and see there. I graduated from high school and did an awful lot of masturbating there.

3) Favorite vacation or trip you've taken and why? There's a bed and breakfast in Gulf Shores, Alabama ... the Square Flower. A little old lady ran it. It was about a block from the beach ... incredibly quiet with a sea breeze constantly blowing through your open windows. She made the BEST breakfasts and the wife and I spent the time either laying in bed and reading or laying on the beach and reading. Sometimes we had sex and read while we had sex. Fantastic vacation.

4) Favorite books or the last book you read? Just finished "Foley is Good" by Mick Foley, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm a geek. My favorite of all time is "Salem's Lot" by Stephen King because it made me piss my pants while I read it.

5) Favorite movies? Pulp Fiction, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Sleepless in Seattle, Boogie Nights, There's Something About Mary

6) What would you do with a million dollars? Buy a new house and put some away for my son. Probably help the church out. Then blow the rest on whores.

7) Are you a morning or a night person? Mid-afternoon.

8) What does working out mean to you? An awful lot of sweat and muscle aches.

9) Have any pets? Their names/species? An 11 year-old mutt named Maggie May who has ass cancer.

10) What kind of car/truck do you drive? A '96 Dodge Intrepid. It's one fly, dope ride.

11) Prefer living in a small town, small city, or big city? A suburb of a big city rocks my socks. Then you get the best of both worlds.

12) Last concert you attended? I think it was Counting Crows/The Wallflowers back in like...'98 or something. It's been a while. We left four songs into Counting Crows. I heard "Round Here" and I was satisfied.

13) Favorite games to play? Balderdash. It's all about lying and making shit up. That's right up my alley.

14) If you could live anywhere, where would it be? In a brothel in Geneva, Switzerland

15) Snow/ski slope or sandy beach/boats? Sandy beach and boats.

16) Last place you flew by plane? Flew to Peoria, Illinois for my grandmother's funeral in 1994. Luckily, I wasn't a suspect in her death.

17) Favorite holiday? Flag Day fucking RAWKS!!

18) Top 4 hobbies? Making CDs, watching TV, cooking, masturbating with a noose around my neck like my hero, that guy in INXS.

19) Favorite 2 restaurants in your city/town? McDonald's and this little place called The Waffle House.

20) If you could have an alternate career/profession, what would it be? Writing sketch comedy for a cable TV show with no restrictions, so I could use the term "assfucker" a lot.

21) Favorite TV shows? Jeez...let's go down the list ... Fear Factor, Ed, The Weakest Link, Friends, Will and Grace, Survivor, The Simpsons, Emeril Live ... "Survivor" is probably my favorite ... been watching A LOT of the Game Show Network lately where I've accumulated most of my innate knowledge.

22) Favorite childhood memory? Watching my two friends rub their penises together like they just discovered electricity.

23) Any sports you like to play? Play? Uhhhh...no. Unless convincing people I'm Jim Morrison counts.

24) Who are some people you really admire (famous or not-so-famous; living or deceased)? I think Tom Hanks seems to be a nice fellow, but what do I know? He probably sexually abuses kittens for all I know.

25) Favorite quote or saying? Curiosity killed the cat and it damned near tore my head off.

26) If you had a month off (from school or work or parenting) what would you do with the time? Probably an awful lot of masturbation.

27) What are some things you hope to accomplish in your life by the time you are 65? Avoid cancer, hold on to my impeccable driving skills, learn how to bitch louder.

28) What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done that most people don't know about? Masturbated in a broom closet at work when I was 17.

29) Any major regrets in your life so far? Not watching "The Golden Girls" during its initial run.

30) What are some hopes/dreams you have for next 5 years? I'd like to spank the monkey in as many art museums as possible without getting caught.

31) What is one area/thing/topic you would like to know more about? Did Keanu Reeves and Tom Cruise ever do "it"?

32) What are some of your biggest worries/fears/phobias? I'm terrified of not being able to figure out sales tax in my head.

33) The happiest times for you are when? Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan go 'round with a bead of sweat rolling down my face and a puddle of man goo on my belly.

34) What annoys you the most? Getting behind someone at the bank drive thru who sends the tube in more than once, thus tieing up the lane and making everyone behind them late for their appointments.

35) What are some things you can't do that you wish you could do? Rap, pop caps in asses without regretting it afterwards, eat quiche, swim underwater like Aquaman, turn around in circles for the better part of an hour without spewing all over everything.

36) What are the six words that best describe you? Frighteningly large with a small pecker.

37) Favorite fortune cookie fortune you've gotten? "The chef just spit in your food."

38) What is your most prized possession? My collection of Family Circus cartoons clipped out of newspapers over the years. That little Billy is one goofy little fucker!

39) What are some things you are grateful for? America's Statute of Limitations

40) Describe your feelings about your apartment or condo or house.

Wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have so many crackheads passed out in my hallways.

41) When are you at your very best? When a cop is standing over me with his gun drawn.

42) Do you need a little sleep or a lot of sleep? I need a lot of sleep after I've had a little sleep.

43) Do you like to cook? Yes! And clean! And mop the fucking floors every day!! Whadda I look like ... fucking Mary Fucking Poppins?!?

44) Do you like to dance? Oh yeah. I feel there's nothing more visually exciting than a big man cutting a rug. The only problem is ... I always look like my balls on fire when I dance.

45) Do you eat breakfast each morning? Not unless you count accidently swallowing toothpaste.

46) What are the four most important things in your life? Having an escape route out of the house when my dog passes gas, Pringles, my collection of Family Circus cartoons and Spy TV.

47) Any favorite NEW music/songs/CDs? That Barry Manilow boxed set marinades my gonads.

48) Most interesting/scary/embarrassing job you've ever had? I was a male whore while in college. One time, I was called to this big, fancy mansion in the hills and I get up there and lo and behold...it's Dom Deluise's summer home. And he was all naked and shit and wanting me to knit a sweater made from his dingleberries. Well, I told him I didn't know how to knit so he just said "Well then ... just pick the berries and eat them!" I was pretty disgusted, but he WAS paying me a hundred bucks, so I went to town on those berries, eating every last one of them. And even though that may make you sick to your stomach to think about, it really wasn't half bad. They were much worse coming back up.

49) Favorite type of vehicle if you could have your pick? One of those scooters that's all the rage these days.

50) Favorite outfit or article of clothing you own? A leopard-print thong and a pink tank top that says "It's bigger than it looks" on it.

51) Bargain hunter or buy what you need when you need it regardless of price? No comment.

52) What do you collect currently? Any interesting past collections? Pictures of my various bloody noses over the years. And of course ... Family Circus cartoons.

53) What are the top 3 challenges in your life today? Avoiding staring directly into my dog's ass, ordering burritos with no cheese and staring at chicks in the mall without my wife catching me.

54) Do you prefer summer/hot or winter/cold? Winter. I'm still on a never-ending quest to freeze my balls off, just so I can hold them in my hand and say "Check this shit out, man."

55) Which store catalogues are your favorites to receive? Victoria's Secret.

56) How would most of your friends/coworkers describe you? Fat, balding, conniving, obnoxious, and stench-ridden.

57) How do you want to be remembered? As someone who never cut a guy with a box cutter even though he really REALLY wanted to.

58) Have you ever donated blood/platelets? Do you do it regularly? Not by choice.

59) How often do you check your personal e-mail account? Every 2-3 minutes. Which really throws my sleep schedule off.

60) What are some things about you that most people do not know? I make stuff up on these stupid quizzes to make them more interesting/sickening. I'm more quietly funny and subtle than I appear in print.

61) What magazines do you subscribe to currently? Hot Throbbing Beaver Monthly

62) Any important lessons you've learned in life? Don't pick your ass in public if you can help it. Try not to fart in church. There's no real need to floss because you can always get your teeth capped if you need to. Don't make up shit on these quizzes because people will think you're serious.

63) Windows open or use the air conditioning? I'm filthy rich ... I do both.

64) Your major accomplishment(s) to date: I grossed MYSELF out with the Dom Deluise Dingleberry story.


Hey ... you soldiers go show some love Lindsey's way. She just lost her beloved dog that she's had for ten years and needs some words of encouragment to get past this painful stage in her life. Do it!!

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