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4:56 a.m. - 2001-08-01

UNCLE BOB DECLARES WAR ON THE BALL CRUSHING PERVS

Y'know...there's lots of things in life that confuse your old Uncle Bob. One of those things is straight men who cross their legs like women.

I'll afford gay guys the right to cross their legs like women. That's how they pick each other up. They cross their legs like women and that sends out the message "Hey! Gay Guy over here! Pony up to my tight little ass and let's have some hot gay guy sex!"

But straight men? What do they stand to gain by crossing their legs like women?

I'll tell ya what...crushed balls.

I've TRIED to cross my legs like a woman. It's damned difficult. Probably because I have balls bigger than your average third grader's head. But I would think that even if I had teeny balls, it'd still hurt like hell.

Men just aren't built to cross their legs like women.

But so many men do.

And most of these men are rich, older men.

Believe me, I've done some research on this. You won't catch too many young, poor straight guys crossing their legs like women. They do that whole "Figure 4" crossing...the manly crossing.

But rich old guys...it's almost like they're DYING to cross their legs like women and crush their own balls.

So here's my theory...the older and richer you get...the more masochistic you get.

This has to be true, because it's a theory of mine and I refuse to believe I could just come up with some bullshit theory.

I think that secretly these guys enjoy the pain brought on by crushing their own balls. They must savor the feeling of nausea that crushed balls bring. And if they start rhythmically kicking the upper leg...jeez...they must really be a sicko.

So here's your assignment, kids ...

If you see a rich, older guy who's crossing his legs like a woman, I ORDER you to say to him "What kinda sicko perv would want to crush his own balls?"

Furthermore, if he's a boss or a teacher/professor, I want you to either quit your job or quit school.

There's absolutely no need for us to keep supporting these ball crushing perverts by either working for them or sitting in their class.

If it's your Dad who does this...take a ball peen hammer to his kneecaps and hammer his kneecap out of place.

These men must be stopped. And I'm depending on the Army to help me.

Thank you.


If you haven't seen Save Craig yet, do so.

That kid cracked my ass up yesterday afternoon.

And if you can't figure it out on your own...he hates his job.

He's proof positive that those banners you get with gold membership DO work.

I need to get myself one. A gold membership that is.

I could use the hits.


I removed all the MP3s off of my computer last week in an effort to get my machine working faster.

Then I find out about this worm thing that's been infecting computers worldwide.

Then I find out that it's highly improbable that the worm could have affected my machine.

I still think it's the culprit though.

Because I refuse to believe that 2,000 plus MP3s had anything to do with it.

God's not that vindictive.

Anyway...I've already downloaded 112 MP3s since then.

You'd think that I've downloaded enough tunes.

Uh-uh.

I must be some kinda nutjob to keep finding more and more tunes.

Here's what I downloaded last night...

The Vandals-Summer Nights

Sisters of Mercy - Gimme Shelter

Beastie Boys - Benny and the Jets

Lords of Acid - Lady Marmalade

Blur - Maggie May

Radiohead - The Bends (Live)

You know...in case you were wondering what does a 39 year-old guy download.


I got my yard mowed last night.

It left me hot and sweaty.

I used to watch "The Flintstones"

'Cause I had a crush on Betty.

A man drove by my house

While I was busy mowin'

He rolled down his window and told me to stop,

Needed directions to where he was goin'.

"Where's Pinebrook Drive," he asked me.

And waited for an answer.

I said "What do I look like motherfucker?"

"Your own damned private dancer?"

"I thought you might know," he said.

"I'm sorry for the bother."

He drove off down the street some more

While I went and shaved my otter.

He put his car into reverse and said

"Why on earth do you shave that otter?"

I looked up at him with shaving cream on my chin and said

"I had to come up with a word that rhymed with bother."

The end.

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