CHINESE WATER TORTURE AIN'T GOT SHIT ON MY NEIGHBOR

JUMPIN' JESUS ON A POGO STICK...Man, I love Saturdays.

I don't see how anyone in this whole damned world could not love Saturdays. Even the name..."Sat" is Greek for "Fucking Awesome"..."Tur" is Spanish for "Bull" and "Day" is just good ol' American speak for "When the sun is up".

Happy Fuckin' Awesome Bull Day to you, my friend!

By the way ... latest pregnancy news for those of you still hanging in there and pretending to give two shits...Susie has started dilating, her cervix is softening and we have picked next Thursday, November 2nd to be admitted to the hospital and be induced if she doesn't give birth before then. Which means...by this Friday, I'll be a daddy.

Keep in mind...if you come here one day in the next week and I haven't updated ... that's cos I'm in the hospital, dig? Bear with me ... I'll get you an update as soon as I can...it will be a short one...and hopefully full of joy.

************************************

Yesterday was a day of some serious assed torture for me...

First, I had to take my next door neighbor and her 84-year-old mother to the airport.

My wife loves our neighbor. I, on the other hand, get real edgy around her.

This woman does her best to ruffle my feathers every time we speak. Actually ... I don't think she's even trying, she just gets under my skin.

Quick background...she's in her early 50s...divorced for about 15 years...and hates men.

She's not a lesbian. Her ex-husband just did her wrong, so now she thinks all men are scumbags who are out to fuck around on their wives and buy their girlfriends expensive jewelry and run up their credit cards and then leave their wives in the dark and having to pay off the credit card bills while they go to Bermuda with their new girlfriend and some freshly signed divorce papers.

Well, guess what, Gladys Kravitz?? We ain't ALL like that.

It's so obvious to me why her husband left her. The woman chatters non-stop about the most absolute boring things imaginable and has nothing nice to say.

So anyway...I get these women in my car and we're drive drive driving to the airport.

We hadn't gone TWO FUCKING MILES when my neighbor says "I can't wait for this baby to be born because I'm getting tired of reading your columns where all you do is insult Susie. That's just not right, Uncle Bob."

Oh man.

Okay...I deserve a fucking award for not just stomping on the brakes, opening her car door and shoving her out the fucking door onto the road.

Listen, Miss Ungrateful Bitch ... I am taking you and your drooling mother to the airport on my fucking lunch hour. I'm driving a total of 50+ miles so that you and your mom can fly to Wisconsin and do God knows whatever the hell you're going to do up there. I'm watching your fucking yapping assed dogs while you're up there. CALL A FUCKING TAXI AND GET A FUCKING DOG SITTER if you're so pissed with me.

...But...I let it slide. I just smiled and kept my eyes on the road.

THEN she makes some comment on how I "almost" slammed into another car while stopping for a red light.

Ya know what, friendly neighbor?? YOU could have driven to the airport on your own and driven like the little old biddy that you are and left your car in the airport parking lot since you're coming back on Sunday anyway. It's seven fucking dollars a day to leave your car in the airport parking lot. $21 for three days. I'M DOING YOU A FUCKING FAVOR HERE AND I PROMISE, I FUCKING PROMMMMMMISE THAT I WILL GET YOU THERE IN ONE PIECE.

But I just smiled and kept staring forward.

Then...she goes on a lonnnnnng diatribe on why we don't want the lady who will be keeping Andrew once Susie goes back to work to teach Andrew how to read.

That makes little sense...she doesn't want the lady keeping Andrew to teach him to read.

Why?? Because she's not a trained teacher.

Well guess what, you simple slut?? I'M NOT A TRAINED TEACHER EITHER?? And I have an eerie feeling this lady has taught a whole lot more kids how to read than I have.

And she's potty trained them.

And taught them their numbers, ABCs and how to play well with others.

Goddammit...I WELCOME ALL THE HELP I CAN FUCKING GET IN THIS DEPARTMENT!!!!!

To have to sit there...and get this woman and her now comatose mother to the airport at a 55 mph speed while she chastised us for leaving the child with a day care worker...I just wanted to keep my eyes on the road while I just gave her a right hook that would knock her ass out until we got to the airport.

"And another thing...you don't want this woman teaching Andrew to..."

*WHAM!!!*

"......................."

I FINALLY get them to the airport where I take their bags out of the trunk and put them on the curb.

The elderly mother tries to give me two dollars for taking them there.

What the fuck? I'm sorry Granny ... did I just bring you PIE or something?

NO.

I just went on a mighty hell ride with you and your bitter, babbling daughter that has tons of helpful child tips...BUT NO CHILDREN.

Gimme a hundred dollars, Granny. Gimme a hundred dollars.

I really should have just shoved the old woman to the sidewalk and drove off.

Instead, I smiled nicely, gave the woman back her two dollars and told her to buy a nice lunch with it.

Yeah. A nice lunch for two bucks in an airport. You might get a lukewarm soft drink for two bucks, honey.

Still, Granny insisted that I take the two dollars. I argued that this is what neighbors do for each other...take them to the airport once they've ran their husbands off into the arms of a more tolerable woman.

Granny shoved the two dollars in my front pocket and felt me up in the process.

I sighed and told them to have a nice trip then got back in the car and tore out of that airport like Godzilla was chasing me.

*****************************************

So you would think that this would be enough torture for one day...right??

Wrong.

Last night, we go to my favorite pizza place, Vittorio's.

Who's there??

Charlie. My arch nemesis.

(You know...if you don't count Riot718)

I know I wrote about Charlie in this diary at least once before ... he's the first one in real life that I told that we were pregnant and then he blabbed it to all the people I told him NOT to blab it to, thus, stealing my thunder.

Brief background on Charlie ... his family runs a world-wide business that I'd bet everyone here has at least heard of, so he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

The entire time he was growing up, he was a pompous, arrogant asshole, according to everyone I've talked to that knew him then.

While in college one morning while he was fucked up on cocaine and alcohol, Charlie was driving to a liquor store, ran a red light and slammed into a pregnant woman, killing the woman and her 8-month-old fetus.

Charlie received ten years in prison for vehicular manslaughter.

Being from one of the richest families in the state, Charlie's aunt tried to bribe everyone in the judicial system to keep her nephew out of prison.

While Charlie was awaiting his sentencing, he got a DUI. That's right...after killing a woman, he STILL had the balls to get drunk and get behind the wheel.

Talk about arrogance.

He ended up serving four and a half years in prison. I met him during his last half year in prison and really felt for the guy. He told me about his past and I was cool with it because he had really cleaned himself up. He was now a devout Christian who pledged to never poison his body with alcohol and drugs again. He was on work release, working at a magazine that I was working at at the time. Every day, I'd drive to prison, pick him up, and take him back at the end of the day.

THE DAY HE GOT OUT OF PRISON, he dropped that facade quicker than a hot plate.

The arrogance came back in waves. He was no longer a hard worker, he was a barely worker. He'd sit on the phone all day and just chit chat with all his old buddies while I picked up his slack.

Y'see...his aunt owned the magazine we were working at.

He and I got into more fights in our office than Mike Tyson's had in his whole life.

After a few years, his aunt sold her share of the magazine and Charlie was now out of a cushy job. On his last day, everyone in the office left early so nobody had to stick around and say goodbye to him.

No cake. No card. Just get the fuck out.

So last night we run into him. Like I just said...we hadn't seen him since we ran into him at the same restaurant and told him we were pregnant.

He came over to the table, shook my hand and wouldn't take his hand off my shoulder as he rambled on about what a blessing we now have.

It took every ounce of willpower in my body not to sock him in the balls in front of the entire restaurant.

He wanted our address because he had a baby book I just HAD to read.

I had no idea what to do. I certainly didn't want this killer having my address. I ended up giving it to him anyway.

I plan on pissing all over the book, letting it dry and then sending it back to him, thanking him for the use of the book.

I hate Charlie.

Hate him, hate him, hate him.

But at least he got my mind off my neighbor.

Happy Fucking Awesome Bull Day everyone!!!

****************************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Who's YOUR arch nemesis and why?