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17:28:03 - 2000-01-24

4:20 p.m.

Hi. How the fuck are you?

Cursing (or cussing, depending on your completed level of education) is a lost art that has been bastardized by millions of young punks over the years. And that damned Beavis and Butthead didn't help matters either.

That said ... I am a master of the curse word.

This does NOT mean that I constantly use curse words like fish constantly use oxygen. But when I do, I use them in such a way that grown men weep when they hear the words that my mind can form.

Take "fuck" for example. Or rather "Fuckity Fucky Fuck Fucker" as I like to say. The next time you get a little angry and let just one "Fuckity Fucky Fuck Fucker" fly, BELIEVE ME, you will immediately have the attention of everyone in the room.

Keep in mind, while in mixed company, the word "fuck" should never be used to describe sexual intercourse, unless it's by two willing and naked participants in a court of law. Rather...there are about a billion slang terms you can use to describe sex that are funnier and livelier than "fuck". Spelunking is good. "Getting the sap outta the tree" is another. "Chim Chim Cheree" is yet another.

Once again, I stress...these terms are for mixed company with all their clothes on. If you are naked and entwined with another body, the phrase "Baby, I just wanna spelunk your brains out" ain't gonna cut it.

It's now 4:21. In case you were wondering.

So we now know that the secret to an expert curser is his ability to form new and exciting curse words. And keep in mind ... I said the word "His". Sorry ladies. Cursing is an art for men. It's a lot like cigar smoking. You can c'mon in and give it a try, but the majority of you will get sick as dogs before all is said and done.

Another example: I coined the word "Fucknugget". And I may be wrong on this, but I could swear Katie Couric used the term the other morning on "Today", so MY WORDS ARE GOING SOMEWHERE, BABY!

I also invented the words "Cock-infested" (to describe a loose woman -- "She's soooo cock-infested") "Nippledick" (a small man) and "Shit Soup" (diahrrea).

Sure...they may not be a part of our everyday vocabulary YET ... gimme time people ... I'm just a guy at a computer ... what the hell can I do???

Which would you rather hear?

"Hello ma'am. I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm selling a revolutionary new vacuum cleaner today that will change the way you live your life. Are you interested?"

ORRRRRR

"Yo Assbreath, I am soooo fuckity fuckin' sorry to bother your shitass self, but this shit can't fucking wait another goddam minute. I've got this sugartit vacuum cleaner that your lazy ass has got to mack out on. It will cumdildo your assfoot life, babes. Straight up, ho-dog ... your ass want in on the shit or not?"

Yeah. You're right. I'd rather hear the first one too.

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