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06:59:27 - 2000-05-02

WHY I CAN'T WAIT TO BE A DADDY AND OTHER HORROR STORIES

The wonderful Lion Murderer sent me an e-mail yesterday that asked what was I looking forward to most with my impending fatherhood.

Was it all the new family outings I would now be taking like the trips to the emergency room to reattach retinas?

Perhaps the quiet evenings at home? (I detected sarcasm there)

Or maybe it's the calls at 3 a.m. from the local police department saying they found my son on the roof of an Auto Zone trying to break into the building to score some crack money?

Actually, it's a combination of the three plus a whole lot more.

Inspired by her e-mail, I've decided to make a list of some of the things I'm looking forward to most as a new parent.

* I'm looking forward to sharing my love for music with my child. Granted, I doubt my child will be into tangoing around the room to "Copacabana", but a man can dream, can't he?

* I'm looking forward to the colorful artwork that depicts a child and its father going to the fair and buying balloons even if it really looks like Andy Warhol got drunk and stumbled across some Crayolas.

* I'm looking forward to taking my child to McDonald's, allowing it to urinate in the ball crawl and teaching it to blame the action on others.

* I'm looking forward to taking my child to the zoo when it's been bad and threatening to throw it in the lion's cage.

* I'm looking forward to watching Disney videos with my child so maybe somebody can finally explain the appeal of the movies to me. More importantly, what in the hell is a gal like Beauty doing with a guy like The Beast?

* I'm looking forward to teaching my child the fun of sticking one's tongue in an electric pencil sharpener.

* I'm looking forward to teaching my child to rub pickle relish on its nostrils when it wants to convince its mother to let it stay home from school.

* I'm looking forward to teaching my child how to ride a bicycle just like my father taught me. With a leather strap in one hand and an electric cattle prod in the other.

* I'm looking forward to PTA meetings where I can jump up and say "My kid can beat up anybody else's kid in this room!!" and then taking bets on whatever fights I can arrange to help pay for its college education.

* I'm looking forward to taking my child to the mall at Christmas and explaining that Santa is an evil man who comes in the middle of the night and steals all the good kids' toys.

* I'm looking forward to playing "Got Your Nose!" with my child. Except I may change it to "Got Your Spleen!"

* I'm looking forward to helping my child with his homework and convincing him that the ships Columbus sailed to America on were the Pinto, the S.S. Minnow and the Salma Hayek.

* I'm looking forward to dropping my teenager off at the local mall to harass mall patrons and then quietly moving to Colorado and letting mall security finish raising the kid.

*I'm looking forward to convincing my child that mowing the yard every weekend is every child's God-given right.

*I'm looking forward to scaring monsters out of the closet and back under the bed where they belong.

* I'm looking forward to buying my child a pet goldfish and then teaching him how to eat it.

* I'm looking forward to taking my infant child to nice restaurants so it can scream and cry and get all the attention that it rightly deserves as the most beautiful screaming infant in the restaurant.

* I'm looking forward to the minute it's born and exclaiming "Oh my God! Honey, you've just given birth to a jelly covered basketball!!"

* I'm looking forward to sending my child to bed without any supper so I can have seconds.

* I'm looking forward to showering it with all the love and passion that a father can give a child. Just as long as it never cries or asks for anything more expensive than a candy bar.

* I'm looking forward to teaching my child that Halloween is the holiday where little children get dressed up and go door to door to get candy for their fathers to eat.

* I'm looking forward to helping my child build a treehouse with a hot tub to attract the little third-grade babes.

* I'm looking forward to teaching my child how to be a sore loser with a heavy emphasis on pouting.

* I'm looking forward to teaching my child about the birds and the bees using graphs, charts and fur-lined handcuffs.

* I'm looking forward to all the hopes and dreams that my child may have of someday being something that it never stood a chance in hell of becoming in the first place.

There's about a hundred more things I'm looking forward to sharing with my unborn child. But I think these will provide a good start at warping the kid severely.

Don't you??

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