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12:15 p.m. - 2001-10-29

I don't know why...but I refuse to be a little wimp about chilly temperatures around anything resembling a human being.

And granted...you're a human being. But right now, these are just words on a screen and you're not sitting in that comfortable chair across the desk from me right now holding a decent human conversation.

That said...DAMNATION ...I'M COLD!!!

It's only 57 degrees outside and one whole wall of my office is windows, so that would explain a little on why my nads are frozen stiff.

They're like little crystal ball snow shaker things.

Possibly like little pink golf balls.

OH! I know! They're like...wait...I forgot it already.

OH YEAH! They're like rusty Ben-Wa Balls!

If you don't know what Ben-Wa Balls are, you're too young to be reading this.

And probably too straight-laced.

Read Annie. She'll set you straight on Ben-Wa Balls.


So ... big news from yesterday...

Andrew finally walked!!!

Okay, keep in mind he was pushing one of those walker things on wheels, so basically he had training wheels helping him out. But that little guy went FLYING across the nursery at church like he'd been walking for years.

Sadly, I was the only one watching him do it at the time. It was just he and I playing in the nursery when he climbed up this walker, pushed it and took off.

Susie came by a few minutes later and I told her she had missed her son's first steps. So I tried to position him to do it again.

He promptly plopped down on his baby ass. Every single time I latched his hands onto the handle.

Hands on....

*PLOP*

Hands onnnn...

*PLOP*

Fine. Be that way, you little CRAWLER!!

Yeahhhh...that's right...you're a BAYYY-BEEEEE. You have to crawwwwwwl everywherrrrrre.

Sorry. But sarcastic overtures really don't affect the kid. If he wants to walk, he'll walk. Dad's constant sarcastic needling isn't going to sway him one way or the other.

Still, it was really cool that he did it. I hope this means that in a few weeks/months he'll be walking non-stop.

Then again...I hope not. Because once he learns how to walk, there's no turning back.

And at that point...he's no longer my little baby boy. He's a toddler.

I'm going to miss my baby boy.


Hey!

Did ya hear??

The world's coming to an end!

Yep, so say me...Uncle Bob. The "Chicken Little" of middle aged male diarists.

Y'see...first off ... a holy war is taking place. That ain't good, kids. Especially when you're having a war against some unstable psychos.

Second...an earthquake in Manhattan took place on Saturday I believe. You know Manhattan...the last place in the world where you'd expect to find an earthquake. Once again...not cool.

Then...TWENTY-FREAKING-PLUS earthquakes took place in California over the weekend.

Y'know...I read that somewhere...about all the earthquakes in California...but for the life of me, I can't find a link to it now. Maybe I dreamt it ... but for dramatic effect let's say it really happened.

So like...all these earthquakes...that's God, y'all. God's getting ready to split open the Earth and come down from the Heavens and say "Who's with me?"

And you bet yer sweet ass I'm going to Heaven.

Simply because Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson and all the rest of their ilk will be going to Hell. And sorry, but I like to hope the people I'm going to spend eternity with are a bit more cool than those guys.

Yep.

Mark my words, peeps...that's where it's at, kids.


Good Lord.

I'm interviewing this guy today over the phone. Nice guy. I could tell he was an older man.

And a narcoleptic. Those people that just fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

I'd ask a question. He'd start to answer it. Then in mid-sentence, there would be complete silence. I'd wait upwards of 45 seconds for him to finish the question before saying "Hullo? Hulloooooo?"

And then he'd finish the sentence.

This went on for close to 30 minutes. Here's a snippet of the conversation...

ME: Tell me a little bit about your company.

NARCOLEPTIC DUDE: We’re a recreational vehicle manufacturer, we do towable RVs as well as travel trailers, fifth wheel trailers and bus....zzzzzzzz.

ME: Damn, man. Am I that boring?

NARCOLEPTIC DUDE:(45 seconds later) ...conversions. Our role within the industry is primarily motor homes … we are also the largest producer of diesel powered motor homes in the world.

This went on and on. I was barking at the guy to stay awake which would alarm him back into consciousness.

I think a few months ago I said that if I HAD to have a disease, I'd want Tourette's Syndrome because it seemed kinda cool.

Scratch that.

Narcolepsy all the way, baby.

I just think it'd be so cool. Whenever you're bored with something or somebody, you just pass out cold. I'd use this at company meetings, chick flicks, dealing with in-laws, job interviews, listening to the wife's "day", every time I was asked to take out the trash/wash dishes/change a dirty diaper.

Man.

Talk about your convenient diseases to have. It would be so awesome to just take a nap right now and if anyone caught me, I could say "Damned narcolepsy!" and I wouldn't get in trouble because, guess what babes? It's a HANDICAP! I'd sue whoever I wanted to over it.

I'd be one sue-happy little bitch, lemme tell ya.

So yeah...if the world isn't coming to an end anytime soon, I sure hope I can catch narcolepsy.

I'll keep you abreast of any further details to the situation.


Oh!

So I had to go to this real pitiful church to videotape the Youth Sunday service there.

This church is soooo lame that my in-laws go there.

I know! That's how lame it is!

So yesterday, the only "youth" performing the service were youth from our church because nobody goes to this church.

I counted. There were 19 people there at the church, including the regular pastor and the organist.

There is no choir.

And if you don't count my in-laws, there were 10 people there from their church.

When the money tray made its way to me, I dropped a $10 bill in there since it's all I had.

...Everyone else had dropped a dollar in there.

How in the heck can this church keep going if they pass the plate around on Sunday mornings and get less than $20?

They're our sister church. Or...if you want to be specific... they're our mentally handicapped sister church.

Okay...that was mean to say. Believe me, I didn't WANT to say it...it just sorta slipped out.

Anyway, at the end of the service, everyone gets in a big circle and holds hands and sings a song that sounded a LOT like "Edelweiss", a German lullaby.

I didn't hold hands, because I was videotaping everyone.

One old lady pushed past me and said "This isn't a circle since this man's too busy videotaping the service."

Hey. No shit, lady.

She made me feel bad for preserving a memento for a very important day in these kid's lives.

Eat me Granny.

Get a real church.

You watch. Their little church full of misfits will have to close its doors and they'll all have to come join our church. THENNNNN we'll see just how snippy she is then.

Yeah. And you know I'm serious when I start AND end a sentence with the word "Then".

Boy Howdy.

Sooo to recap...Andy walked, it's the end of the world as we know it, narcolepsy is cool,small churches suck.

See you later, Gator Breath.

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