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5:13 a.m. - 2001-05-10

AN EXTREMELY BORING DAY AND AN EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE COLUMN

Yesterday was such a wasted day.

After I left here, I had to make a CD for New Boy at work. Even though he's been with us since mid-January, I still call him New Boy. Works for me.

Anyway...New Boy likes Big Band music and nothing BUT Big Band music. Glenn Miller, Louis Armstrong, Tommy Dorsey ... that kinda crap.

So I get like the top 20 Big Band songs out there and put them on a disc for him.

Doing so made me realize just how much I don't care for Big Band music. I can take about three minutes of it. After that, it all starts sounding the same. Sure, there's some riffs that have been imbedded in our minds over the years ... like "Take The A Train" by Duke Ellington. You may not recognize the name, but if you heard the song, you'd say "Oh, I've heard that song before. It sucks whale shit."

Anyway, I took the disc to him yesterday and he loved it. I've heard through the grapevine that he's kinda shy around me because at first I picked on him quite a bit. But I did it in a jokingly matter and I thought he got it. He obviously didn't.

So I've tried to be nicer to him lately, just to let him know I'm not a complete asshole, just half-ass.

I hung around the office for a few hours doing absolutely nothing and Mattie Gee called wanting to grab some lunch.

Hey...anything to get out of the office, dude.

So I went out to his work and we went to Pizza Hut for the buffet. Took him back to his work and I decided (since I was near the house) to go home and catch a short nap on the couch before I headed back to the office.

Time: 12:30

The next thing I knew, I woke up at 4:45 in the afternoon.

I sincerely think I'm still not over this bronchitis shit.

Since it was kinda fruitless to go into work at this point because it takes me fifteen minutes to get there and we close at 5, I got up and went and picked up Andy from daycare.

We came home, he passed out once we got in the house and I worked on a video tape for Mom of Andy's last four months for Mother's Day. I'm also sending her a copy of the book that I worked on which came out a few months ago that she hasn't seen (autographed, naturally). And a card if I can find one in time.

Watched "Ed" and scribbled notes furiously for Mighty Big TV.

Which..by the way...has a new look to it...MBTV that is. Check it out. And read the "Ed" recaps for God's sakes. I work hard on those.

Watched that Celebrity Millionaire show last night until I passed out in my recliner.

Told ya.

A wasted day.


Just because I can't get my shit together this morning, I thought I'd give you an old column that I wrote for a now-defunct website called "Perry's Perspective".

Perry was this kid who had one warped sense of humor. Somehow he found my old site and asked me to write some stuff for his site. He was getting close to 100 hits a day, so I said "SURE!!" and started firing off crap for him to make his site even better.

Sadly, his site folded soon after I started writing. I'm not sure if there's a connection there or not.

Anyway...here's a column I wrote on why I hate the elderly. I don't really hate the elderly, kids...it's just a column.

I mean...they do get on my nerves quite a bit. But I don't HATE them.

Okay...I hate some of them. But don't nail me to a cross just yet, kids. I have my reasons.

Anyway ... here's the sick kinda stuff I was writing for Perry. Hope it's not too offensive.


With all the tragic news that has been hitting the nightly news and headlines lately, it's always refreshing to see something lighthearted that will bring a smile to your face and a tear of joy to your eye.

That was my reaction when Tom Brokaw broke the news about a busload of senior citizens going over a cliff in Louisiana.

Maybe the first thing that pops in your head is "Hey that's not funny. A busload of old ladies went screaming off a cliff, grasping pictures of their grandchildren close to their hearts as Mildred goes flying over everybody's head, wobbling like a football thrown by Richard Simmons. And look over there .... isn't that Irene and Helen wedged under the bus driver's seat? And who's that upside down in the bathroom with her support hose-wrapped legs hanging out the window. Why ... is that Old Lady Parsons from up the street?!? My gosh, I think it is! Hello Old Lady Parsons!! I hope you rot in Hell!!"

And then you start to think ... hey ... maybe mangled gasoline-soaked wrinkly flesh does have a nice ring to it. And you start to giggle.

And then you finally see the lightheartedness of the situation.

Or maybe you don't.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe I just fucking hate old people. And maybe when I heard a busload of them went smashing through a guardrail and into a ravine below, driven by a known drug addict who was high as a kite on the pot when he sailed that puppy into the shallow creek below ...

...Well ... maybe I giggled out loud.

But who are you to judge me?

Maybe I was molested by an elderly person when I was a baby. How the hell do I know?? I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday, and you want me to remember getting a rim job from Uncle Phil while chewing on my Bugs Bunny teething ring in the crib? As my former hero, now bitter enemy WCW's Diamond Dallas Page once said ... "I don't THINK so."

For the sake of argument, here's some reasons old people get on my nerves. These will either piss you off even more or have you nodding your head saying ... "This sumbitch is right."

WhatEVer.

They bitch about EVERYTHING! My grandma bitched out my entire family one time because there was nothing on TV. This was in 1967 and I was 5. She went on a tirade and called my dad a "stupid son of a bitch" because Ed Sullivan wasn't on. She died before VCRs were commonplace in homes. Something tells me if we had VCRs in 1967, I'd probably like old people.

They have lost all motor skills when it comes to operating a vehicle. This goes without saying. If anybody EVER sees someone over the age of 65 driving completely safe and not risking the lives of those around them, call your local police immediately because I bet they've been SWALLOWING THE CRACK!

They take too long to pay for groceries. I got behind a lady the other day who wanted to buy some $16 flowers for her sick granddaughter, but all she had was four dollars and some change. It was painfully obvious the vericose-vein covered mutant had about $4.57 to her name, but by God, she counted out every nickle and penny like somehow, someway that money was gonna eventually add up to $16.


I had $40 in my pocket and was really only buying a six pack of beer. So I did the nicest thing I could possibly do in that situation. I exhaled loudly, jumped into the neighboring checkout lane and just stood there and glared at the old woman from behind my sunglasses. And I did it WITHOUT shoving her to the ground, like I normally would have.

They all smell weird. This weird old lady that comes to my place of work always smells like urine-soaked rancid meatball sandwiches. One day, I felt that I had just about had enough of her stench so I said "Excuse me Ma'am, but you fucking reek. What the hell have you been rolling around in?" She smiled and said "Cincinatti, Ohio." I really wanted to slap the hearing aid out of her ear, but I was afraid I'd take her head clean off and there ain't no way in hell I was gonna go to prison for decapitating an old lady on that day.

They want to stay in restaraunts all day. The other day I went to IHOP. Long story short, I had to wait 45 minutes for pancakes because the Springfield Senior Citizens have decided that they are going to have a coffee drinking binge, since they all get discounts. So they're all over there drinking their coffee and pissing their pants like one of those Wee Willie Winkie dolls where you pull down his shorts and he squirts all over ya. Except they're just pissing merrily in their diapers and you can always tell when they're doing it because they get a serene look on their faces like they're receiving a hummer from Tracy Lords during her "earlier" roles.

They get all these damned discounts just because they're old. I guess it's a cool way to reward these self-righteous sacks of shit for living so long. "Let's see ... that's one fish and chips and an unsweetened iced tea. That comes to $5.45 but with YOUR senior discount, you only pay $5.25, Mr. Wilson!!." In other words, here's a quarter, gimme back a nickle, congratulations on outliving Jesus, old timer. Now shut the hell up and go gum on your fish until they're just battered goo that the new guy is going to have to scrub off your tabletop after you leave..

They shit their pants and still expect us to let them drive. 'Nuff said. If that's the case, children 16 months and older should have licenses.

They have an excuse for everything. I'll never forget this ... when I was 17, I worked at a McDonalds in Nashville. This old couple comes in and orders a happy meal and said they were going to split it. The man was a little scrapper and the old lady weighed about 30 lbs. and was using a walker. I toss them the Happy Meal, give them their 10 cent senior discount (this was a while back, before they bitched loud enough for an extra dime) and they went and sat down. Five minutes later, the man comes back and says they didn't get a hamburger in their meal. I knew I had put one in there because the guy specifically asked for one with just ketchup and we always spat on special orders back then and I had gotten the whole kitchen crew to pass it around with everyone splashing a loogy on the "all beef" patty. So I REMEMBERED that burger.


Anyway ... the old man finally confesses ... the burger made the wife gag and she's over in the corner convulsing and could he please get another burger.


See...an excuse for EVERYTHING!

They forget shit too easily. The next time you see someone 65 or older, ask them what time it is. When they answer, ask them if it's raining outside. When they answer, ask them what time it is one more time. I guarantee you they'll have to check their watches.

They get crusty shit in their faces. I once saw an old woman with an entire Belgian waffle firmly implanted in her cheek and she had no idea it was there. Syrup and whipped cream were smeared all over her jowls and this drooling babboon was clueless. I've seen infants with more dignity.

All those wrinkles. God. I know I'll get wrinkly too. But sheesh. I'll at least stay in the house and away from the general public when I finally do.

They hate air conditioning. Apparently they lose their sweat glands when they hit 65. Which in turn, allows them to enjoy the humid, clinging air as if they were in a hot tub. While the rest of us fry our balls off.

They always need help doing something. Last week, my next door neighbor wanted me to get a shovel off of her roof. I said "You got it up there, crazy lady. You get it down." She tried to tell me that some neighbor kids did it when they tried to break into her house, but I wasn't listening to none of that funky jive. So I flipped her off, got in my car and cranked up The Ramones' "Somebody Put Something In My Drink."

I have over 700 other reasons why I find old people personally disgusting. But I will save those for another day. In the meantime, take your vitamins, exercise properly and stay away from Burt Bacharach albums.

The staff and management of Perry's Perspective, do not, in any way, shape or form, condone violence against the elderly. We also do not wish death upon the elderly. But if we saw Willard Scott getting the shit kicked out of him in a dark alley, you bet your ass we'd look the other way.

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