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5:32 a.m. - 2001-06-15

I'M SO GIDDY, I SHOULD BE KING OF GIDDYLAND

(Now playing: Louis Prima - "Just A Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody")

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

So ummmm...pestering the shit outta people seems to work because this morning at 10 a.m., I go see the CEO of the company and charm him into giving Wendi the green light to hire me!!!

I'm feeling much more confident about the showdown now than I did a few days ago when I was having nightmares about this moment.

I'm not nervous at all. I have no fingernails left though...chewed all those off last night. Now I just have bloody stumps for fingers.

(Now playing: Richard Cheese - "Creep")

BUT THAT'S OKAY!

I'm so pumped and jazzed. I haven't been on a job interview in....Gawd...11 years. And THAT was for a telemarketing gig where they hire ANYBODY as long as they can speak semi-properly.

So this is going to be an experience. Wendi's sitting in on the whole interview thing and the one thing we have to pull off is that even though she and I are buds, I will still listen to her, respect her and take her seriously when she has to yell at me.

No problem. As I told Wendi, there was ONE TIME she had to jump my ass years ago (Now playing: Afghan Whigs - "Moon River"), and even though I can't remember the exact reasoning behind the ass-jumping, she pissed me off and I didn't want to have to face her the next day.

So she IS capable of beating me into submission with words. Friendship is OUT THE WINDOW when I screw up.

But I'm older. Fitter (ahem). Happier now than I was when we worked together before.

And let's be honest ... I DON'T screw up much.

...I don't think anyway...

(Now playing: Tony Bennett- "Call Me Irresponsible")

Sooooo...the ONE THING I'm hoping for today is after sitting and shooting the shit with Wendi's boss, that he says "You're hired, dude!" and I can go back to my office, where the boss has NOW LEFT for a 17-day cruise and say "I'm OUTTA HERE!!!"

...You know...they get the two week notice thing because I'm a white guy and white guys give two week notices.

(Before the "You're a racist!" hate mail starts flowing in...rent "The Original Kings of Comedy" where one of the black comedians does a bit on the difference between white people and black people when it comes time to quit a job. And then bite my ass. Bite it hard. Bite it quick. Bite it a lot.)

(Now playing: The Babys- "I Love How You Love Me")

Sooooo hopefully I'll have news on the new job either later today or tomorrow.

Hopefully.


I ordered Dad a cookie bouquet for Father's Day yesterday.

ONLY because I completely forgot to send him a card or anything and he has everything he could ever want and always tells us that.

(Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers- "The Other Side")

BUT...he doesn't have some big assed cookies that say "YOU'RE THE BEST POP!" in the shape of popcorn kernels....DOES HE!?!?

No...he doesn't. I thought I'd go ahead and answer that one for you, since you wouldn't really know what my Dad has or not.

...Unless you're having an AFFAIR with my Dad! Then you'd probably know a whole lot more about him than I do!!

...Are you having an affair with my Dad?

ARE YOU???

Because if you are...you are SOOOOO kicked out of the Army, Missy. I'll boot you out quicker than duck shit sliding outta Donald's ass.

DON'T go slutting around with my Dad, bitch.

Ahem.

(Now playing: REM- "Imitation of Life")

Anyway ... I ordered the cookies, hung up the phone and then remembered...Dad's on a diet.

So in a way, my thoughtful gift has now turned into the most cruel gift a son can give his father.

Well ... I guess I coulda had Mom decapitated and then sent her bloodied head to Dad in a pretty gift box with a bow on it.

That MIGHT be crueler than cookies.

I'll have to check my Cruel Handbook and get back with you on that.


I just counted.

I have 11 empty Coke cans on my desk and one empty Slim Fast can.

It's time to clean the desk.


Grandma will be here in about an hour to watch Andy and she's bringing my two nephews here all day because she's supposed to be watching them too.

(Now playing: Wheatus- "Teenage Dirtbag")

....This includes my porn-surfing 13 year-old nephew who's permanently banned from EVER using my computer again.

EVER, DUDE.

And I just KNOW he's going to ask me if he can get on the computer. He does it every single time they come over here.

NEPHEW: "Uncle Bob...can I get on the computer?"

ME: "No. I've told you ... you can never use my computer ever again."

NEPHEW: "Why not?"

ME: "Because you'll bookmark 'Hardcore Teens On The Net' and make me look like a pervert when your Aunt Susie decides to get on the web."

NEPHEW: "I promise I won't this time."

ME: "You promise that EVERY time and you always end up with a faceful of digital muff."

NEPHEW: "I hate you Uncle Bob."

ME: "Oh and I'm real fond of your perverted ass, you stupid little bastard."

(Now playing: Denis Leary- "Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up")

I'm going to have to come home early today just to get those kids outta my house. My Play Station will be overheated and they'll be rubbing themselves like horny monkeys, dying to get home to their own computers where they can download porn to their heart's content.

(Now playing: Weezer- "Hash Pipe")

(Now playing: Gorillaz- "Clint Eastwood")

(Now playing: Ben Harper- "Steal My Kisses")

(Now playing: Fountains of Wayne - "The Senator's Daughter")

...Sorry ... got sidetracked there...

Anyway...nephews coming today ... house will presumably be a wreck when I get home ... and they'll drink every can of Coke I have in the house and eat every single potato chip in the cupboard.

...Fuckers.


(Now playing: BTK - "Peppy Rock")

I'm going to do something for you people that you can all bow down and thank me for.

Here in Alabama, we have this rib joint called "Dreamland BBQ". Their ribs have been judged as the best in the South and it's all based on their sauce.

(Now playing: Everclear - "American Girl (Tom Petty Cover)")

Now...I'm going to give you the recipe of their secret sauce.

WHY, UNCLE BOB...WHY????

Because it's kinda a Father's Day gift to you. For being a helluva ....ummmm...Father Figure to me over the years.

Write this down and remember to use it the next time you grill out ribs, chicken or whatever the hell else you want to use it on.

DREAMLAND’S BARBECUE SAUCE

1- 28 OZ CAN TOMATO PUREE

½ CUP YELLOW MUSTARD

3 CUPS HOT WATER

1 ½ CUPS CIDER VINEGAR

¼ CUP DARK CORN SYRUP

2 TABLESPOONS PACKED BROWN SUGAR

2 TABLESPOONS CHILI POWDER

1 TABLESPOON DRY MUSTARD

1 TABLESPOON PAPRIKA

2 TEASPOONS GROUND RED PEPPER

2 TEASPOONS ONION POWDER

1 TEASPOON SALT

1 TEASPOON GROUND BLACK PEPPER

½ TEASPOON GARLIC POWDER

In a large saucepan, whisk together tomato puree and mustard until smooth. Stir in remaining ingredients. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer 30 minutes, Stir occasionally, Serve warm..

Note: unused sauce may be refrigerated several weeks.

That's my gift to you. Enjoy you rat bastards, you.


(Now playing: Alien Ant Farm - "Movies")

(Now playing: Afrika Bambaataa - "Renegades of Funk (12" Mix)")

(Now playing: Roger Clyne - "Tell Your Mama")

(Now playing: Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn - "You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly")

(Now playing: George Jones - "What A Good Year For The Roses")

See?

You're not the only one who listens to tunes when you're doing this shit.

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