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18:36:25 - 2000-04-14

GREEN ASSED EGGS AND HAM

I was called earlier this week and was asked to come read to a classroom full of students today as part of National Library Week.

What? You didn't know this was National Library Week?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!??

Are you trying to tell me you haven't been to the library all week long?!?

Ohmigod ... I think I'm going to be sick.

(Bob looks at you with that sweaty, ghastly look on his face, totally disgusted with you and your infrequent visits to your local library.)

Heh.

Not really. I was just acting. See? I'm FINE!

(Bob turns around so you can check out his FINE, middle-aged ass)

So anywhoo...I had to be at the classroom at 10 a.m. this morning.

"What will I be reading," I asked the teacher during the initial phone call.

"Well ... you have a choice," the teacher replied.

"Got any porn?" I asked, simply because it's a natural reflex.

"At home, Stud Boy" she panted.

I reached into my pants and began stroking myself. This went on for a few minutes before I opened my eyes and was reminded that I was sitting at my desk at the office and my co-workers were staring at me like I was a bad monkey.

"What?? You've never seen a guy stroke himself while talking to a teacher about her porn collection?," I asked as I shooed them all away with my free hand.

Okay...for those gullible sonsofbitches out there reading these shenanigans... I DIDN'T sit there and discuss porn with a teacher and stroke myself for the amusement of my co-workers.

Gawd. You people are such fish. I reeled you in hook, like and sinker.

Anyway...I get to the school and a little kid named Daniel is taking me to the classroom.

"Is this your job," I asked Daniel as we walked down the empty hallways. "Escorting visitors around the school?"

"We're not supposed to talk," Daniel whispered loudly.

"THIS ISN'T CHURCH, DANNY BOY!!!" I yelled, grabbing Daniel by the collar and swinging his second-grade body around to hit a wall of lockers. "I'M HERE TO FUCKING EDUCATE TOMORROW'S LEADERS TODAY, BEE-YOTCH!!!"

...I always like to intimidate at least one kid during these appearances I make. Word gets around quick in school...you know..."Don't mess with that big assed guy that comes and reads to us twice a year. He will fuck your ass up. Daniel Petrie is STILL in traction after he tossed him into a wall of lockers..."

So, Mrs. Robinson (the teacher), gives me my choice of books to read to 2nd graders.

She actually suggested "The Joy of Sex".

"Why...Mrs. Robinson, " I said coyly. "Are you trying to seduce me?"

Mrs. Robinson looked at me horrified.

"By having you read "The Joy of Insects" to my students??," she whispered loudly.

I gulped.

"Sorry...I misunderstood you. Let's go with Green Eggs and Ham."

I'm good at reading to kids. I make up different voices for all the characters and can usually keep them separated too. My breath is usually minty fresh, and I've never gotten one erection while they're sitting on my lap.

Not one.

Well...the McKinney kid. But damn...that kid was a squirmer.

The reading today went really well. The kids didn't seem bored, laughed at all the right places...read along with me at parts, and washed my car inside and out for free.

I forced the teacher to bring all the kids outside to the parking lot so they could all stand on the curb and wave goodbye to me as I peeled out of the parking lot. She hesitated at first, but once I had her arm pinned behind her back securely, ol' Mrs. Robinson had no problem ushering those kids outside in the rain.

As I got to my car and shook my umbrella off, I looked at those kids, standing on the curb in the pouring rain, getting soaking wet and waving like mental patients at me ... and it made me think of what a good thing I had just accomplished. These children were left with the vision of Green Eggs and Ham not being eaten and getting rather moldy as I recited the story in my best Hannibal Lechter-like fashion. Many of them would have nightmares for weeks.

I swerved to avoid hitting a large puddle and pretended to lose control of the car and started going straight towards them.

You know. As a joke.

The kids all screamed and ran for cover.

And even though I really DID lose control of the car when I didn't really mean to, nobody was hurt.

I mean...a few kids shit their pants. But that's to be expected. They're second-graders. They shit their pants when they can't think what letter follows "W", fer Christ's sakes. Let's see your big brave ass not shit itself as a car comes careening out of control toward you during a blinding rain storm.

Uh-huh.

That's what I thought.

I'm one kick-ass citizen, buster. And don't you forget it.

I'm serious.

Don't forget it.

(Bob jabs a finger in your chest for good measure).

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