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05:55:26 - 2000-03-24

HEY MAYOR...CAN I BORROW THE KEYS?

So ... I've got a key to the city of Montgomery, Alabama.

I'm not sure exactly what the hell that means. I was hoping it's like a "Get out of Jail Free" card.

COP: "Uncle Bob, did you know that drinking and driving is against the law?"

UNCLE BOB: "Mr. Offisher...did you know I have a key to the city?"

COP: "You're free to go, Uncle Bob."

UNCLE BOB: "That's what I thought ... *snort* ...rookie..."

Somehow ... I doubt this key has that much power. But it's nice to dream. Until large monsters enter your dream and steal your key to the city. At that point...lay off the Nyquil brownies, dude.

I had the key bestowed upon me when I was a featured celebrity in a Christmas parade a few years back. It was me and the local morning TV news guy, Mickey Ferguson, who always did the "wacky" assignments, like dressing up in rodeo clothes and doing the news from the rodeo. Or conducting the weather while having a rectal exam. Those types of things.

"We have a storm front approaching from the EEEEEAAASSSSSSTT which will ...oh holy hell....bring rain to the ...ohmygod...REEEEGION"

So ... basically ... it was me and a mental patient riding on the back of an antique trolley car, waving frantically at people gathered on the street who returned our waves with about a tenth of the intensity.

LADY ON THE STREET: "I know that's Mickey Ferguson...but who's the dipshit next to him?"

OTHER LADY: "I think he's a famous janitor or something."

For a while we threw out candy. That was pretty cool. Kids will fuckin' risk their lives for free candy being thrown from a trolley. They were trampling each other, the trolley was running over them like little speed bumps ... it was pretty awful. Twelve kids died that day.

They died for peppermints.

Not really. Nobody died. For God's sake ... get ahold of yourself ... THIS ISN'T REALITY, ALRIGHT??? You're reading Uncle Bob's "diary".

Which isn't so much a diary ... neigh...I look at this little corner of cyberspace as ... my precious and treasured "memoirs".

Christ ... if I REALLY talked that way in real life, I'd kick my OWN ass on a daily basis.

Where was I?

Oh...side note here...I've got a complaint. Whoever is in charge of Diaryland ... I hear so many names bandied about, but Andrew keeps rising to the top of the list, so for the time being...HEY ANDREW...this little box that we type all this stuff in??? Is there any possible way to make it slightly LARGER?? I have to keep scrolling up to see what the topic is because I tend to get off on at least one tangent per entry and I also have the attention span of a dead squirrel.

Oh yeah ... the key story ...

When I started it, it seemed like a pretty cool story. Now it seems like...oh ... I dunno ...mindless drivel I suppose.

To make a long story short, at the end of the parade, Mickey and I were presented with keys to the city, blah blah blah after freezing our famous dicks off as parade masters for an hour.

At the end of the parade, they held a big presentation of the keys to Mickey and I. We stood on the side of the speaker, beaming with pride. They called me first and I trotted out to the podium to the sound of tepid, forced and slightly confused applause.

"THANK YEEWWWWW!!!"

I get to the podium and the lady hands me my key to the city.

It's a regular damned key. They got it at a hardware store for probably 30 cents. I froze my fucking ass off for 30 minutes for a lousy cheap assed key on a string.

Well, fuck me with a rusted chain saw.

No wonder I got asked to come play Celebrity for a Day. Every other local celeb turned it down, knowing that it wouldn't be an oversized key on a plaque that you could hang on a wall.

EVERY OTHER LOCAL CELEBRITY IN TOWN WHEN THEY RECEIVED THE CALL: "Parade in December? And I have to ride on the back of a trolley for how long?? And I only get a key from a hardware store?? Regis...my final answer is "D...fuck that shit".

It was probably between me and the guy that hosts the midnight-6 am slot on the local oldies AM station. And I bet he came down with "the flu" at the last minute.

That was a joke.

Do I really need to clarify what I intend to be "jokes" in my entries or does everyone pretty much get the Polaroid?

Basically, I'm a sarcastic bastard in real life. Don't like it?? Be glad you don't know me in real life. I'm a pussycat here.

*Grin*

So now, my "Key To The City" hangs from around my vintage Darth Vader doll's neck on my bookshelf. I've tried twice to use the key to bust into City Hall in the middle of the night to no avail.

And trust me...in reality...cops don't give a shit if you have a key to the city or not. You STILL have to lie face down on the sidewalk with your hands behind your head while backup comes....KEY OR NO KEY.

Hey ... I'm done with this entry. My mind is elsewhere this morning.

Have a great day, an even better weekend, and say a little prayer in hopes that I grow up REAL soon.

*grin*

Adios, muchachos and muchachoettes.

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