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10:39:42 - 2000-07-23

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND ....WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!

I learned one single thing yesterday...I'm glad I'm having a boy. Because I'd have to break my little girl's heart when I told her she wasn't getting a storybook wedding AND reception.

We went to a storybook wedding yesterday. The kind little girls dream about all their lives.

As I mentioned earlier, the girl getting married was one of Susie's secretaries. A pretty little girl by the name of Jill.

Jeezum Crow...that girl had a WEDDING.

First off though...anybody that has a wedding in late July in Alabama needs to be bitch slapped. Driving to the church, the temperature was 103 degrees. I, in my black suit, had a body temperature of about 115 degrees. We get to the church and small children were running around my sweaty ass, playing and screaming "Splash me, Mister!! Splash me!!" like I was a sprinkler or something.

(muttering)....rubble scrubble kids...

We get inside the church and SOME ASSHOLE grabs my wife's arm and starts leading her down the aisle.

I stand there and wait for some babe to guide me down the aisle until one of the other guys whispered "You're supposed to go with them."

Oh yeah, right. Sorry...it's been so long since I went to a wedding, I forgot the procedure.

PLUS...my brain was fucking FRIED from the heat, you morons. WHO HAS A WEDDING IN JULY IN ALABAMA?!?!?

....Apparently, VERY rich folks.

The church was HUGE. Very old, and very .... ummm...churchy.

We sit down in a pew and Susie instantly kicks her shoes off.

Okay...for the past 12 years, my wife's feet have never stunk.

Stick a baby in her belly, and those dogs are BARKING, BABY!!

Her feet smelled like rotten cabbage. The ladies in front of her nearly passed out from the stench. They looked at each other and wrinkled their noses and then halfway looked back at Susie.

I motioned for Susie to put her shoes back on, by fanning my hand in front of my nose and making a scrunched up face while pointing at her feet.

She got the picture.

The funniest part was, one of the ladies started dabbing at her eyes.

I whispered to Susie "You made that lady's eyes water."

Susie about lost it.

A woman walked past us with her two little children, probably 2 and 3 years old.

Susie said "Jill told me that NOBODY with small children was allowed to bring their children."

Well...there they were. Right down front.

I told Susie "I bet they cause at least ONE disturbance."

The kids were perfect.

It was ME that caused the disturbance.

That's right...Uncle Bob nearly ruined a wedding.

How??

Okay...I keep my pager on my keychain. NOBODY EVER PAGES ME.

EVER.

NEVER.

Guess who gets paged while the bride and groom are saying their vows??

*Ahem*

And guess who REFUSED to believe it was THEIR pager going off, even though the pager SOUNDED like mine and SOUNDED like it was coming from my pocket.

*Ahem*

And guess who pulled the pager from his pocket, where it became even LOUDER and couldn't remember how to SHUT THE DAMNED THING OFF?!?!?

*Ahem*

Oh...I got my share of stares alright...

I looked at the number and didn't recognize it.

"Put it on vibrate," my wife whispered...something I never thought I'd hear her say outside the bedroom.

I fumbled with the damned thing, trying to find the vibrate button. I finally found it, stuffed the keychain back in my pocket and gave everyone a weak smile.

The ceremony lasted an hour. I call it a ceremony...it was more like an aerobics workout.

"Stand, sit, kneel, pray. Stand, sit, kneel, pray. Stand, sit, kneel, pray."

Christ...I musta lost six pounds from the intense sweating and the aerobics.

Finally, it was over and we were all shoved back outside into the heat.

WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

We caught up with a guy Susie works with and his wife. A nice young couple, Phil and Amy.

We decided that the four of us would hang out at the reception, since none of us knew any of the people on hand and got in our separate cars to drive to the reception.

Once in the car, I called the number that had showed up on my pager during the crucial part of the ceremony.

YOUNG BLACK MALE VOICE: "Yo."

ME: "Somebody paged me from this number about 30 minutes ago."

YOUNG BLACK MALE VOICE: "Yo man...That was me. Wrong number."

ME: "Uh huh."

I mean...I was pissed, but what are ya gonna do?? Call this idiot at all hours of the day and night and keep saying "Yo man...wrong number" and hanging up???

Heh. Heh heh heh.

....No comment....

We get to the reception which was being held inside the country club of our SWANKIEST area in town.

My God.

This place was GORGEOUS.

I told Susie "Suck up this atmosphere. Because we'll NEVER be living here."

They had SO MUCH FOOD and DRINK that I thought I'd bust.

Normally...at wedding receptions, I get a few chicken fingers and meatballs and call it a night.

Not this one.

There were so many people at the reception, nobody was really staring at me and saying "My God, that fat bastard can suck down some food!"

So I just kept getting in line with the weak excuse of "My wife's pregnant...heh!"

Chefs carving ham and roast beef...chicken fingers, quiche, quesadillas, shrimp, veggies, rolls...and butterfly shaped crackers.

Yes...butterfly shaped crackers.

I'm tellin' ya....it was SWANKY!

The groom's cake was as big as my back yard. A chocolate peanut butter cake.

I was tempted to jack off over it, it was so beautiful. However, luckily for everyone involved, I showed restraint.

The bride's cake was so big, they had ACTUAL PEOPLE standing on the top of it, dressed as a bride and groom, instead of a little plastic bride and groom.

Okay...I'm exaggerating there...but it WAS big.

We stood and talked to the bride and groom once they arrived at the reception. That took them close to an hour to get from the church to the reception, because they rode the city's trolley car, which is reserved for big fancy weddings, but it only goes about 15 mph, and they had about 15 miles to drive, so logistics would point out that it took them nearly an hour to arrive.

The bride admitted it was hotter than hell on the trolley for that hour long drive.

That's when I smacked the veil off her head and screamed "SEE?!?! THAT'S WHY ONLY STUPID PEOPLE GET MARRIED IN JULY IN ALABAMA!!!!!!!!"

....Well...I WANTED to. Once again...I showed restraint. Maybe it was the whole coat and tie thing making me feel mature...I dunno.

All in all, it was a great wedding ... the kind that I will never be invited to again.

Unless my son marries into money.

And if he does...by God...I'm not gonna hold back. I'm gonna be shoving as many butterfly shaped crackers into my pockets as I can, babe.

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