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10:05:28 - 2001-01-15

Q: HOW MANY LOSERS DOES IT TAKE TO PISS ME OFF? A: APPARENTLY ONLY ONE

Soooooo....what's today??

If you said "Martin Luther King Day", you obviously have the day off and I hate your stinking guts.

If you said "Uncle Bob's One Year Anniversary at Diaryland", you obviously have too much time on your hands ... but you'd be right.

Soooo...I expected trumpets blaring, confetti flying and parades in the streets today because an old man lasted a year on this site dominated by young teen girls who hate everybody and everything.

But as I sit here at 5 a.m., the only trumpets blaring are coming out of my dog's ass.

...We gave her chicken scraps last night after dinner. Chicken gives her gas.

Anyway, Happy Anniversary to me.

Toot! Toot!

_______________________________

Y'know...you would think that because I live in the ....ummmm...well .... it's one of the most important places that Martin Luther King Jr. ever lived and worked ... that I would have today off.

Nope.

Get your ass to work, fat boy. Write us some funny stuff so we can have a humor column in the newspaper.

...Grubble scrubble newspaper...

Ah well ... I COULD sit at home all day.

BUT ... and this strikes me as kinda odd ... ALL my local in-laws will be in my house today while Susie and I work.

Grandma's watching Andy. My sister-in-law hasn't seen Andy in two weeks, so she, her husband and three kids will come over to visit since they all have MLK Day off.

My brother in law will be installing our new mailbox that he and Grandma bought us for Christmas FINALLY. He also plans to suck down every Coca-Cola in our refrigerator because he's so damned dirt poor that all he drinks are generic soft drinks at home.

...And I'm sure he'll root around the house, trying to find any cash that we may have stored away, because he's a fucking scumbag.

I plan on working until about noon and then coming home and catching him going through our underwear drawers and beating the holy bejeezus out of him.

I cleaned house all afternoon yesterday because it needed it.

Now ... a houseful of inlaws are going to traipse around, getting the carpet dirty, leaving Coke cans everywhere and stinking the house up with their stale cigarette-smelling clothes.

Yeah.

I'm pumped, alright.

_______________________________

Speaking of being fake pumped ... my old "friend" is coming into town this weekend.

The last time I saw him was last February, I think. Let's see if I can encompass our relationship in Readers Digest form.

In 1989, my wife forced me to go to a party that we had been invited to by some people who frequented the bar that she and I worked at.

As it turned out ... we were the ONLY ones who showed up at this party thrown by Craig and Scott, two roommates and frequenters of our bar.

Scott and I kinda hit it off and started hanging out together.

We became pot smoking buddies basically.

A few years go by, he meets this woman I couldn't freakin' stand and marries her. They move to Indiana, have a little girl and then one day, he snaps.

He and his wife both quit their jobs ... she was an X-ray technician ... he worked in a store that sold batteries. They sell ALL of their possessions except their clothes and sell their home.

They take that money and buy a used trailer and a truck and THAT'S their new home.

They then start travelling around the country, seeing all the landmarks this country has until their money runs out.

When their money runs out, they set up camp, get some odd jobs and save up enough money until they have enough to keep travelling.

He and I drift apart quickly. Mainly because I now think he's a loser. In my mind, the reason he gave up on life to become a vagabond was because his only skill was as a mechanic, which he never wanted to be.

Personally, I think mechanics are a valuable cog in society's wheel, except most of them are boldfaced liars, which he couldn't ever do.

He always wanted to be a writer. Except his writing sucks shit. When I became a professional writer, it REALLY ate away at our friendship.

He was jealous.

I tried to get him a gig at our newspaper early on ... writing a weekly column on the little things you could do to keep your car in tip-top shape.

I took a few sample columns to my then-editor who said the columns were the worst batch of shit he'd ever read and told me to tell Scott that we didn't need his input.

That REALLY tore a chunk out of our friendship.

There's a whole lot more to it than that ... but basically ... I lost a lot of respect for him. His wife had worked hard and finished several years of schooling to become what she had become ... and he forced her to throw it all away to follow his "dream" of seeing the country.

All with a young toddler in the back seat who should have been making friends with other children her age, rather than spending two years in the back seat of a truck.

And bad luck follows this guy everywhere.

When they ran out of money on the road after about a year, they decided to start heading back toward Indiana to move in with her family.

One hundred miles from home, he swerves on the interstate to avoid hitting another car.

The trailer jacknifes and goes crashing into the median, basically exploding on impact.

They lost EVERYTHING that they had. Keep in mind ... they didn't have much...only the essentials that they had not previously sold when Daddy snapped.

Photo albums ... gone.

Kid's few toys ... gone.

Clothes ... gone.

So now, he and his family was basically homeless. They moved in with her family and found jobs to start re-building what they once had.

But after six months of working...Scott started jonesing for the road again.

They bought ANOTHER used trailer and went back out on the road.

(THIS is a Readers Digest version?!? Holy shit, I'm long-winded)

The last I heard from him was last spring when they had finally made it to Alaska.

Yesterday, he calls.

He's coming down here to visit this weekend.

I asked him how things were going and he said "not good". Apparently, before this last little whirlwind tour of America, he and his wife had both secured jobs that would be waiting for them once he had come to his senses and brought his family back to Indiana.

Guess what??

Employers don't like to hold jobs open forever.

Duh.

So apparently, his wife has had to take a waitressing job to pay the bills.

She's a highly-skilled X-ray technician.

Waiting tables.

Because her husband can't stand to be part of the rat race.

Anyway ... I disapprove of everything he's done over the last six years or so and have tried to distance myself from him.

But he's like a bad penny, baby.

I could go into more detail ... but basically ... I'm not looking forward to this reunion as much as he is.

_______________________________

Called my sister-in-law in Texas last night to ask her permission to sell my wife's old piece of shit that she wanted to get for her son, my nephew.

She put dibs on the automobile last summer.

It's now January. And I haven't seen anybody from Texas pulling up in my driveway to come haul this piece of shit away.

So I asked if they still wanted it, because I have a little dope fiend here in town that wants to buy it to make drug deals in.

I could tell she was pissed with me. I told her that I wanted the car "out of the driveway" and if they still wanted it, they had to make plans to come and get it.

They couldn't do that. It's 1,200 miles or so to get here and it's a little tough to drive all that way for a four hundred dollar car.

That's right...four hundred dollars.

I REALLY want to get rid of this piece of shit.

Anyway ... the little dope fiend called me four times yesterday ... the last time being at 9:45 ... wanting to know if he could come buy the car.

Lucky for him, I was still awake and on the edge of my seat watching "Oz".

Punk assed dope fiend. I almost felt like saying "take the car...just quit calling my ass, you dumbshit."

_______________________________

Went to church yesterday.

Bet you couldn't tell from this diary entry.

Tee-hee!!

Have a good one, folks. I've rambled long enough.

_______________________________

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Have you ever tried to distance yourself from an old friend and what were the circumstances?

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