I REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN A RESTAURANT REVIEWER

My wife is on vacation this week which means she will be calling me approximately 1,249 times a day.

The first call this morning wasn't even a call...but an email.

Back in January, I bought her a gift certificate at a local spa for a one hour massage and a one hour facial thing. Actually, I just bought a certain dollar amount and that's what she decided to get with the dollar amount.

So today was her day to get the massage and facial. Massage at noon, facial at 1.

They called on Friday to confirm her reservation. Yep...she's still coming.

They called again on Saturday. Dammit, she's coming, I'm telling you!

They called again today...they had to cancel her massage because the masseuse was on vacation.

Oh.

Well gee whiz guys...couldn't you have told us that sometime in the previous two phone calls you've harrassed me with??

The part that really strokes my lizard is this "spa" wouldn't support me when I was running for the "Biggest Rodent In The City" campaign to raise money for cancer back in April.

I stopped by there twice, buttering them up with phrases like "I just bought a pretty hefty gift certificate here a few months ago...you wanna give me a free massage to sell in my silent auction and raise money for children with cancer?"

They would just smile and say "Come back some other day".

This "spa" is regarded as the spa for rich well-to-do older ladies. The type that don't have to work because they married a man whose father broke his back establishing a business in town and left his son with all the money he had made and the son showers his skanky assed wife with gifts like massages and facials from the city's most elegant "spa".

Okay...stupid me...I actually thought they'd let my wife get a massage in there because I was the editor of their cheesy little society newspaper that all these rich bitches read and kept up with who went to which ball, etc, etc.

Wrong. If she doesn't have a last name that strikes fear in the hearts of business people, then she's the first to get her appointment pushed back.

So she emailed me to tell me her appointment is now on Thursday.

Swell.

She then called to tell me she had scheduled a scrotum doctor visit for me tomorrow at 8:30 a.m.

I reminded her that I had told her about a dozen times that the one appointment that I had on Wednesday was at 8:30 a.m. Other than that...the day was free.

She KNEW she had heard the "8:30" thing somewhere and called them back to reschedule it.

So...for all you sadists out there...I now have to go drop my drawers and show off my Bobticles to a young doctor tomorrow at 1:30.

Keep in mind...I'm only going because YOU PEOPLE told me I shouldn't neglect my genitalia. People in my real life kept saying "Ahhh...sounds like a simple case of blue balls, Bobby. Don't worry about going to see a doctor."

But it was y'all's emails and messages that persuaded me to make time to have my kickers roughed up by a doctor.

I am NOT looking forward to this.

I hope you people are happy.

I am now officially allowed to pout to my heart's content.

Can I just say that I love Certs Mint Drops with a Retsyn center?

Can I?

Well I do.

And I'm chomping down on them like candy this afternoon.

Just thought you might wanna know that.

Here's something that really sucked and is the reason I'm wolfing down Certs like Mariah Carey gulps down Thorazine ...

Went to Chick Fil-A for lunch...they've got this thing called "Cool Wraps" which look damned good when you watch somebody else eat them.

But when you actually break down and order them yourself and take a bite, you're instantly reminded of the time you accidently ate a horse turd wrapped in a tortilla.

If you decide to go against my better judgement and order one yourself, when the high school dropout behind the counter asks you what kind of dressing you want on your Cool Wrap, just say "Let's skip the dressing and just give me a Dixie Cup full of warm puke for me to dip it in, thus cutting out the middle man because I'm going to be regurgitating like a madman after I foolishly try to eat this creamed crap in a tortilla anyway."

They may ask you to repeat what you just said, so it's best to either memorize that last sentence or write it on the inside of your hand to remember it.

I was just biting my nail and I just bit way too much off so now my nail looks retarded like I'm handicapped or something.

Wendigo just brought in some Time-Life CDs that she ordered off TV...the best of the 80s Modern Rock era.

Something like 120 songs here...you have your basic artists that are expected to be there...Blondie...Duran Duran...the Pretenders...

But then you have some really desperate songs that were probably best never drudged up again. You can just tell that the people at Time-Life thought it was a great idea, but after about 90 songs, they started thinking..."We've got 30 more songs to add here and there's nothing left." So instead of cool 80s tunes, you get Murray Head...Icicle Works...Arcadia... Cutting Crew and of course...Nena.

99 Red Luft balloons!! Vor scnicht bowla moose ta nicky!

Sorry. I speak German but I have no idea what the woman was saying as she sang. I never bothered to listen to the entire song. I'd hear that synthesizer start and then she'd either start singing in German or English which was about the only cool part of the song, you never knew which version you were about to get. Once I heard which language it was in, I'd instantly change the channel regardless of what language it was in.

Still...some killer tunes on these discs..."Rock Lobster" by the B-52s being among the coolest. I still love that song 22 years after it came out. Awesome song.

"Goody Two Shoes" by Adam Ant. Still rocks.

Blondie's "Rapture". Dreamy, yet funky.

"You Spin Me Round" by Dead or Alive. Kick ass.

Actually, I like quite a lot of these songs. I'm going to take the discs home and make copies of them tonight.

Yeah baby.

Slow day today. I'm working on one profile that is just too easy to write...it practically writes itself, so I'm wary of it. The easiest ones to write scare me the most. I always feel like I'm neglecting something.

Anyway, I'm gone. I have nothing left to say and this whole entry is quickly turning into Cool Wrap anyway.

Heeeee!!