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20:47:34 - 2000-04-15

I'M TOO SORE TO BE FUNNY ... SORRY

I'm one sore bastard.

Rub my hairless back while I talk non-stop, will ya, babe??

Danke.

The old lady and I decided to do a little spring cleaning/yard sale collecting session today. And we started with our bookcase which takes up one entire wall of our den.

We've got books in the bookcase.

And CDs

And a TV

And stereos.

And Play Stations.

And Speakers.

And Videos.

And Toys.

And Antique tins.

And cassette tapes.

And framed photographs.

And a coffee mug that says "He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins".

I've lived by that rule forever.

Obviously.

But not anymore, Bobby Brady.

And mind you, (MIND YOU!!) this is just the stuff that's visible to the naked eye.

When we opened up the cabinets underneath, it was like Santa had exploded down there.

I made the habit of saving every newspaper that I've written in from 1990 on.

That's an awful lot of newspapers to be wedged tightly into a cabinet.

Anyway...we went nuts underneath the bookcase. Cleaned it all out and either threw it away or put it in the yard sale pile.

I started to clip every single column out of each newspaper that I had written.

After about two hours of sitting on the floor with a doorknob in my back, I just said screw it. I hope I wasn't throwing away any gems that I had completely forgotten about, but my body was numb.

So now, all those newspapers are sitting out on the curb in a big orange recycling bag waiting for the handicapped to come and recycle.

I can't wait to be peeking out my front window on Monday morning when Corky comes and tries to hoist that bag up over his shoulder and he falls to the ground on his back and starts crying because it weighs close to 400 lbs.

(Bob claps his hands together in glee)

I did find my personal favorite column that I ever wrote ...it was about standing in the checkout line at Walmart on the day before school started.

For some reason, it's always been my favorite. It's not that funny, and nobody else has ever picked it as their favorite.

But it cracked me up at the time and still makes me smile today. Maybe I'll reprint it here some day so you can all say ...that sucks donkey shit, Uncle Bob.

I found some old interviews that I had forgotten I had conducted.

Remember the rock band Great White?

"My, my, my I'm Once Bitten Twice Shy Babe...."

That was the only song of theirs that I remembered. I also think that was kind of obvious when I interviewed the guy.

ME: "So...what else did you guys do before the "Once Bitten" song"?

KEYBOARD GUY: "We had several gold and platinum albums. We sold out Wembley Stadium."

ME: "Wow! That musta been a pretty big song...that "Once Bitten" song..."

KEYBOARD GUY: "We had other hits, you dumbass."

ME: "This interview is OVER, you has-been!!"

(CLICK!)

I found an interview I did with Jaymz Bee.

Supposedly ... and I don't know this for sure...but he's supposed to be "big in Canada".

Heya Canadians...ever heard of him??

He does cocktail versions of rock classics. He does a bossa nova to "American Woman" stuff like that.

He was like the Paul Shaffer to Canada's David Letterman...I remember that's what his record company told me. They sent me a bunch of his discs and I thought...this guy is a FREAK, so I had to interview him.

And he plans parties for big stars. Tom Cruise, Tom Arnold, Tom Berenger, Tom Lee Jones...all the biggies.

He was a strange one. Hair all up in some weird assed pompadour ...shit...I dunno how to spell it...he had hair like Elvis except blonde and taller.

I also found an old sketch book from when I was a kid ... about 13-14 years old.

I used to draw comic strips to amuse myself and my sisters while we lived in Greece when we first moved there. Television sucked ... we lived miles from anyone else ...it was something to do.

I was into the whole Mad Magazine type dealio. I would take popular movies of the day and write satires of them. And every one of them would star the family dog, Poppy.

I would draw a grid of 24 cartoon boxes to tell my story, and just draw 24 scenes from the movies that we had seen.

I did parodies of "The Omen", "Tommy" and "Jaws" in this book.

I will start the bidding at $100.

Early, primitive Uncle Bob.

With drawings, no less.

C'mon people...I've got a baby on the way...humor me...

$125???

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