THEM COMPUTERS...THEY SHO' ARE AMAZING

It's the end of the world as we know it.

And I feel numb.

Annie has passworded her diary.

I'm sure she did it in a fit of paranoia while rolling on X and not wanting anyone to slow her roll.

(See...as old as I am...I STILL keep up with your hip lingo, kiddies)

But NOBODY should be deprived of reading the wit and wisdom of Anenigma on a daily basis.

...Except, of course, the religious right wing who would be spewing bible verses like projectile vomit if they ever stumbled across it.

ANNIE NYGMA....PLEASE COME HOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!!!!!

*sigh*

Sooooo....What'd ya do yesterday, Unkie Bobby???

What'dyado? What'dyado?? what'dyadoooooooooooo????

Nuttin'.

No...I'll tell you what I did. I let these medications that I've been taking for the past week take over my whole body and dictate my fucking day for me, THAT'S what I did.

And the medications requested that I sleep.

I'm not much for sleep. I need six hours a night and about 30 minutes during the day and I'm good to go.

But damn...between the Naproxxen and the Darvocet...and a full week of work...that shit caught up with me yesterday.

At 8 a.m., I needed a nap.

By 1 p.m., another nap.

By 9 p.m. I was dozing off in my recliner, begging for the Tennessee Volunteers to hurry up and thrash the Southern Mississippi Losers so I could get some shut eye.

Actually...it was a football Saturday for Uncle Bob. I watched Alabama get their asses kicked and emitted half-hearted "Hoorays!" while they got them kicked.

...The drugs kept me from emitting full-throttle "HOORAYS!!"...

And yeah...even though I'm IN Alabama...I still hate the football team. Which means, I ain't so popular around these parts come football season.

...Man...that was a totally redneck way of putting it.

I used to hate football. I thought it was a total waste of time to sit and watch.

I'm still not a big fan of pro football. But I like watching college football now.

...I'll pretend that you care about my football tastes.

(Bob closes his eyes and dreams of a fantasy world where everyone hangs on his every word while he describes his half-hearted passion for the game of football).

And now ... I'll continue.

Our neighbor called us yesterday to loan us this ...this...I guess it's a computer phone.

You plug it into the back of your hard drive and then you can call anywhere in the world for free.

So I plugged it in and called Mom and Dad. Here's the conversation....

ME:"Hello?"

DAD: "Hello??"

ME: "Can you hear me?"

DAD: "I can hear you...but there's a lot of background noise."

ME: "Guess what? I'm calling you from my computer!"

DAD: (Totally bored)"Wow. Fascinating."

ME: "Can you hear me?"

DAD: "Yes, I can hear you."

ME: "This is so cool!!"

DAD: "Would you like to talk to Mom?"

ME: "Yeah, put her on."

MOM: "Hello?"

ME: "Hey mom. Can you hear me?"

MOM: "Yes, but there's a lot of background noise."

ME: "I'm calling you from my computer!"

MOM: "That's what your dad said."

ME: "It's free! All long distance calls are free!"

MOM: "There's a lot of background noise."

ME: "Hold on..."

(I shut off the fan and the television and the blender and the washer and dryer)

ME: "Can you hear me better now?"

MOM: "There's still a lot of background noise."

ME: "Hold on..."

(I run next door and tell the neighbor lady to tell her kids to quiet down a bit, I'm on the computer phone)

ME: "How about now?"

MOM: "Still a lot of background noise. IS there anything else?"

ME: "Nope. Just wanted to tell you I can call you from my computer now."

MOM: "Well...don't. There's too much background noise."

ME: "Okay. Bye."

MOM: "Bye."

That was probably the highlight of my day.

I got this form in the mail a few days ago.

Because I'm considered a "Community Leader" (go figure), I've been asked to nominate a senior citizen into the Montgomery Area Council On Aging Hall of Fame.

Okay ... we all know of my genuine hatred for old people.

I'm nice to them to their face but secretly, I want them all hung up on meat hooks.

So nominating one to receive an award is almost blasphemy to me.

But I come up with a brilliant idea...nominate a senior citizen from my church and make me look like an angel in front of all the other members of the church.

...It's called "religious manipulation". I think Judas came up with it.

So I call our pastor and ask him for suggestions on who I should nominate.

He suggests a 93-year-old woman who helped start many of the libraries in our city back in the 1800s or something like that.

I wasn't really listening. Football was on.

So I call a friend of this 93-year-old lady that the pastor suggested who would be able to tell me more about her.

Apparently, her friend is about as friendly as a shark.

"I can't help you," the lady said.

"Can't you just tell me a few of the wonderful things she's done over the years," I cajoled the lady.

"Nope, I'm busy," the lady said. "I'll think about it. Goodbye."

Something tells me her friend is jealous and wants the award all to herself.

It ain't happenin', Granny. Just cooperate and I won't come stalk you and stand outside your bedroom window at night, waving a scythe.

Sycthe??

Sickle??

Anyway...I'm still going to nominate this old biddy. But I have no testimonial to put behind her nomination.

...Thanks to her back-stabbing conniving friend.

Y'know...that's one awards show I would HATE to attend.

The guy at the podium would announce a winner.

An hour later, the winner makes it to the podium and gives a speech about how everyone drives way too fast for her.

Then she bitches about her constipation.

Then she bitches about the rock and roll.

Then her teeth accidently pop out of her face.

Then it takes 20 minutes and four people to get her teeth back into the gaping hole she calls a mouth.

Meanwhile, I'm stabbing myself in the hand with a fork in order to keep myself from rushing the stage and tackling the woman.

No thanks, pardner. Gimme the People's Choice Awards anyday.

Alrighty then...it's time for my daily walk. I'm going to leave you alone right now. I sure hope you can behave and not break anything while I'm gone.