I SHOULDA WENT TO WORK FOR THE ENQUIRER

Soooooo....

Bobby Brown was taken to the hospital for either a "seizure" or "heat exhaustion".

Uh-huh.

The facts...

* Bobby was rushed to the hospital at 3 a.m. NOT in the heat of the day.

* Bobby refused to give a urine or blood sample and hauled ass out of the hospital as soon as they were requested.

* Bobby's a crackhead and so's his wife.

* Bobby overdosed on some damned good crack.

Okay...that last one's not exactly a "fact". It's just my opinion.

My point??

We've seen Mariah Carey go to the nuthouse for a "mental breakdown" when we all know she was whacked out on some nose candy.

We've seen Bobby Brown be admitted to the hospital for a "seizure" when we all know he's got an affinity for any mind-altering drug he can get his hands on.

We've seen Katherine Hepburn be admitted for a "urinary tract infection" when we all know her vagina dried up and fell off like a dead twig years ago.

I'm sick and tired of publicists of the rich and famous trying to protect their clients. Granted...it's their job...but dammit, WE AMERICANS ARE NOT IGNORANT!

I swear...sometimes they treat us like Canadians...We are NOT that stupid!

Tee hee!

I love riling up dose Canucks!

Anyway...if they think for a New York minute that we're going to believe that Bobby Brown -- who has a history of drug abuse -- had a seizure brought on by the heat...then good God...let's just say Hitler wasn't a bad man...he was just a little "misguided".

Sheesh.

You know Sneezy? The guy across the hall from me?

Today he talked to me for the first time since my first day.

He said "Hey neighbor...want some chips?"

That's so sad...the guy doesn't even know my name.

I was so shocked that he was standing in my office with a bag full of chips that I didn't know what to say.

So I said the stupidest damned things I could have possibly said.

"No thanks, I'm not full."

When I shoulda said "No thanks, I'm not hungry."

Sometimes I have trouble talking like that.

Maybe that's why I get confused with Ronald Reagan so often.

Hey...did ya see Michael J. Fox on the Today show this morning?

Alright ... first off...my grandfather died of Parkinson's Disease when it wasn't all that popular of a thing to die from.

So I feel for people with Parkinsons.

Mikie's got the Parkinsons.

And dayyyyyyum...he was shaking like a Dairy Queen mixer this morning.

He admitted that it was early and his pills hadn't kicked in yet...meanwhile those of us at home were vomiting from the motion sickness the guy was putting us through by having to watch him.

It's really sad because he's such a good guy and all. And there he was ... shaking like a stripper in an igloo.

If I'm not mistaken, Mikie's wife is pregnant again. At first, I was all like...what the hell?? Why are they still having sex?

Then I realized...Mikie's like a 140-lb. vibrator for his wife. The guy shakes like a broken Tilt-A-Whirl. DAMNED SKIPPY his wife's gonna hold onto him for that reason alone.

...And I'm sure he makes a mean martini...

Anyway...it's sad.

Yep.

Sad alright.

Rebecca Gayheart killed a kid.

I'm not sure how many jobs a publicity stunt like that is going to wind up getting her...but it seems to me that she would have tried to just wound a kid first before she just mowed one down.

I know one thing...if Rebecca ran over my boy, I'd be pissed.

But then...if she had sex with me afterwards, I'd promise not to mention the whole "killing my kid" thing to the police.

I don't mind saying...she's one hot tamale. And seeing as how I'd never really stand a chance in bedding her on my looks and personality alone, maybe a little blackmail might sweeten the deal.

Hey Becca...tonight...say around 10ish...I'll leave my kid out in the street in front of the house in his carseat.

...You know what to do next...

Afterwards, I'll be in the bedroom in my silk boxers and ECW t-shirt.

You should be able to find me. I'll be the guy with the rose in my teeth and the waiver and pen in my hands.

Charlie Sheen drove Ben Affleck to rehab.

Isn't that like Jeffrey Dahmer driving you to a police station? Adolph Hitler giving you a lift to Israel? Mariah Carey transporting you to a church?

And now, Samuel Adams has pulled ads that featured Ben guzzling suds at a tavern.

Smart move, Sammy. That's the same train of thought that made Marlboro think twice before hiring a guy in an iron lung to be their spokesperson.

I dunno.

Just feeling kinda cynical today...that's all.