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5:36 a.m. - 2001-11-08


Not much news to report here this morning.

I got another email from the casting director of "Ed"...she casts other shows besides Ed, but the only one I'm currently concerned with is Ed.

She laid some insider gossip on me from behind the scenes of the show which was pretty cool. You know...which ones are gay, which ones ride the white horse, which ones wipe their ass with silk...that kinda stuff.

So that was pretty cool. And I checked the credits at the end of the show last night and WHOOMP! There she was. So it's not one of you morons playing some kinda sick joke on me.

My wife's still not convinced this lady is who she says she is.

"Why would she be reading your recaps?" Susie asked.

I sighed and explained to her one more time that Mighty Big TV gets an average of 13 million page views each month. It's conceivable that a few dozen are reading my page and the rest are looking at the "Survivor" page. And out of those few dozen, there's a good chance that one of those people happens to be connected to the show.

Plus if the lady was going to lie, don't you think she'd say she's one of the stars of the show rather than the casting director? It's like trying to pass yourself off as Gawain or something. I pathetic is that?

My wife, ever the cynicist, thinks I'm being hoodwinked.

I think it's time I left her and went and shacked up with a 19 year-old stripper named Candy.

You know.

If I KNEW a 19 year-old stripper named Candy...

I keep getting these hits from Wil Wheaton's site.

Wil played Mr. LeRoy Spock in "Space The Final Frontier" for those of you who are a bit behind in your pop culture trivia.

I've checked his page somewhat thoroughly and have found no links to my site from his.

Yet I still get quite a few a day from him.

So thanks Willie, I guess. I'm honored that a guy who was a part of TV's longest running documentaries may have actually linked me at one point or another but hid it so well that he forced me to search for said link for upwards of an hour before finally giving up and surfing for strippers named Candy.

And now I've returned the favor.

So tomorrow I go to the hospital to have tubes jammed all in my heart.

Y' the best of my knowledge, this is about the most serious thing I've ever had done to myself at the hospital.

I had a catheter tube three feet long shoved into my penis about ten years ago. My diagnosis was a urinary tract infection. Well hell...wash that tube before you stick it in and I wouldn't have had the infection.

I was knocked out for that though. When I woke up, I remember having a magic Johnson. That thing was as long as my arm. Eventually it shrunk back down to its normal one and a half rock-solid inches...but there for a while, I had a pecker that woulda made John Holmes green with envy.

This time, I'll be wide awake as they stick a three foot long tube from my leg/groin into my heart and take pictures.

I'm just going to DIE if there's some tiny little Japanese tourists in my heart, waving back at the camera while standing in my aorta.

And what gets me is this whole "leg/groin" area.

Some people say I'll be stuck in the leg. That's cool. I think I can handle a tube being shoved in my leg.

Some people call it "the groin area".

Okay...the groin area covers a lot of vacant space on my bod. Does this mean I'm getting a tube shoved in near my balls? Above the pubes? Are they going to have to shave my pubic region? Do you think they'll do a series of hearts for me? Even if I ask?

I've also heard that "depending on the doctor", I could walk away from this extremely black and blue with a bruised groin area.

That may make masturbation difficult. Seeing as how I like to clench my fist and pound my groin area during orgasm.

The SCARIEST thing to me is...if I see ONE DROP OF BLOOD seep out of where I had the tube shoved in to call 911 IMMEDIATELY.

Because they're traveling up my main artery to the heart. If there's any blood...that means my main artery to the heart has been severed and apparently, I'll be spewing blood like a water fountain.

This is what they consider "not good". I could literally die within minutes.

I'm not really hip on that idea. The whole reason I'm doing this is to live LONGER...not to be DEAD.

My doctor looks to be in his mid-50s, which makes me think he has experience at doing this. just never know.

Am I scared? Kinda. Not over the operation itself...just in the recovery part.

I'm bringing home a laptop from work and plan on being in bed at least all day Saturday, so I should be able to update this beeyotch to let you know if I pulled through it or not.

Alright...time to go...wife's gotta shower and baby needs watched.

Peace out.

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