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6:48 a.m. - 2002-11-03


I'll give a full update on the weekend tomorrow...but something happened yesterday that just blew my mind.

Susie, Andrew and I go to this annual Arts and Crafts Festival that's about as exciting as watching a church service on TV. It's outside, thousands of people there, takes a half hour to get to the parking lot in traffic because this state is full of ignorant assholes that don't know how to pull into parking lots, etc.

So we walk around for an hour ... Susie's checking out all the arts and crafts, Andrew's in his stroller eating popcorn and I'm behind my mirrored shades checking out all the people.

At one point, we're stopped as Susie scopes out some rocks with ladybugs painted on them or some crazy assed shit like that.

I happen to see this FIIIIIIIIINE blonde woman. Every single thing about her meets my qualifications for "fine". I'm a man. We look at women. We don't necessarily have to walk up to the woman and say "You're fine. Wanna go find a secluded spot to hump like monkeys?" But we can look.

So anyway, I'm just admiring this woman's beauty. Susie's looking at rocks. Andrew's choking and wheezing on popcorn but I'm oblivious to this.

The blonde looks over in my direction. Our eyes meet with my sunglasses being the only obstacle between them.

She smiles. I smile.

She walks over to me slowly, throws her arms around my neck, pulls her body close to mine and hugs me VERRRRRRY seductively.

This is NOT a dream.

This is really happening.

I'm shocked. Just f'n shocked. Yes, I had been checking her out while my wife was distracted. Yes this woman noticed me checking her out.

But does that REALLY call for a warm and rather sexy hug from a stranger in a public place.

This girl hugs me for about ten seconds. Naturally, I hug her back. If she were to say "Let's go get a hotel room", I would have told Susie I had to go help the woman take packages to her car and show up at home several hours later, ready to take any sort of marital abuse Susie could throw at me because this woman was F-I-N-E.

Finally, the girl pulls back, stares into my eyes and smiles.

"You don't remember me, do you?" she says.

Now ... I smile.

Because I think ... obviously this crazy babe has mistaken me for someone else entirely. I've never seen this woman in my life up until 45 seconds ago.

"I'm not sure," I said. "Hug me some more and it might jar my memory."

Yes...I actually said that. It was my hormones talking.

She didn't hug me, but she smiled bigger.

"It's me," she said. "Terri. From Stagger Lee's."

Hmmmmmmm. Susie and I used to work at Stagger Lee's in the 80s. And it seems to me we worked with a girl named Terri. But if my memory served me correctly, Terri was a mousy little blonde who looked nothing like....

....Holy shit. This was Terri.

Va-va-voom, Terri. Time and age have surely been kind to your fine ass.

I barely remembered her, but back then I was a raging asshole who was fueled by drugs and alcohol.

Now I'm just a raging asshole.

Susie turned away from her rocks long enough to see her husband getting groped by this hot blonde and squealed "Terrrriiiiii!!!"

Obviously, Susie recognized her immediately.

So Terri got us all caught up on her life for the last 14 years while I politely tried to will my erection away without the use of hands.

She kept looking at me and smiling. Granted, she was smiling at Susie too. But I kept getting this...vibe from her that I never got when we worked together. She kept looking at my hair which was a mess because I had been carrying Andrew around on my shoulders and he likes to mess up my hair while he's up there.

Finally, she introduced us to her two daughters...neither of whom inherited her fine looks. These kids gave the term "ugly ducklings" a whole new realm in which to work. I wanted to ask if they were adopted but stopped myself.

Terri walked away after saying goodbye and exhanging phone numbers with Susie.

"Refresh my memory," I said to Susie as I checked out Terri's tiny ass as she walked away. "Which one was Terri?"

"She was that really slutty waitress," Susie said. "She used to sleep with the older, richer customers."

Ah yes.

Terri the slut.

Now I remembered her and could draw up a mental picture. She was cute back then but nothing special. At least, nothing I was attracted to back then.

But now?

Now she looked like a hellcat in the sack.

Terri blossomed late in life.



I would never really leave my wife for the woman. Like I said, the only thing we could really remember about her was that she screwed any guy that tipped her 50%. It's only a guess, but I feel pretty confident that her nether regions are probably worn out with several different discolorations dotting them.

But man.

I won't be forgetting that hug anytime soon.

Happy Sunday!!

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