IN A PERFECT WORLD...

...Yoko would have been skipping merrily in front of John.

...A kernel of Paul Newman popcorn would somehow actually look like Paul Newman.

...Something would be very, very wrong with the brakes on 'N Sync's tour bus.

...Somebody would step up to the plate and wipe that smirk off of Patrick Swayze's face permanently.

...You would toobe able to dry off your cat in the microwave.

...The fearless Al-Queda army would not rest until it had written the name of Allah the Almighty on the ground with the blood of the Dick Van Patten family.

...Richard would have been the Carpenter who always felt "a little too chunky".

...The Pope would end all of his masses with "I dunno. I'm just guessing here."

...Stephen Hawking would figure out a way to get his mojo workin' again.

...A woman would laugh appreciatively when a guy farted to make a point.

...The magnitude of Bill Gates' fortune would be in inverse proportion to the size of his dick.