JOHNNY CASH WAS ROBBED!

So I watched the MTV Video Awards last night because I apparently have some sort of undiagnosed brain deficiency.

I don't even know where to begin.

First ... I'm obviously no longer MTV's target audience. I know this because I can go ten seconds without grabbing my penis and making sure it's still there, unlike 90 percent of the men on stage last night.

I like Chris Rock. I liked his review of the band Good Charlotte: "Good Charlotte? More like mediocre Green Day." That had to make the band cringe and if you've learned nothing else about me in the last three-going-on-four years, I'm all about the cringe factor.

Britney Spears and Madonna sharing a quick French kiss? Yawn. Even Madonna seemed bored by it.

I had no idea that was Christina Aguliera (sp? Aw...who cares) on stage with Madonna and Britney Spears. I thought it was a random crackwhore they brought on stage.

I feel really really sorry that today's youth has such a limited amount of recent decent music to choose from for their listening pleasure. In my day, we had Journey, REO Speedwagon AND Styx!! Now THAT was music, Buster!

I love Coldplay though. The first time I heard that album a year ago, I fell in love with "The Scientist". I'm glad they played that live last night and even gladder it won the award for Best Actual Song In A Video And Not A Piece Of Shit Masquerading As A Song About Slappin' Up Ho's And Popping Caps In Other Rapper's Asses.

I can see people getting reeeeally sick of the "Queer Eye" guys reeeeeeally quickly. The blonde guy is funny but the rest of them have zero personality. Watch him break away from the rest of them and go on to become a huge international homo.

Do people really still listen to Metallica?

Eminem beat up a puppet. Gosh. I didn't see THAT coming from a mile away with binoculars.

I was under the impression that Missy Elliott lost a lot of weight recently. If that's the case, the woman must have been bigger than Ruben, because she's still a hefty young lass.

MY TWO FAVORITE MOMENTS:

1) When Run DMC came on stage and got a standing ovation because their deejay was killed in a drug deal gone bad or some shit. They talked about him briefly and then there was like 30 seconds of dead air as P. Diddy just stood there instead of reading the teleprompter. I was HOWLING! That's how I want to be remembered when I die...with 30 seconds of dead air as the awkwardness on stage reaches a crescendo.

2) Duran Duran being "surprised" with the Honororary "You Never Really Won One Of These But We Thought You Guys Were Shit Then And This Year We Realize You Were Geniuses Compared To The Crotchgrabbing Brigade We're Being Forced To Honor Here Tonight" Award.

They were so "shocked" that Simon almost had trouble pulling the speech he had handwritten out of his pocket.

HONORARY FAVORITE MOMENT:

Those hot assed Olson twins.

Thanks to everyone yesterday who wrote me, concerned about my balls.

They're fine today and I haven't had a relapse of pain.

But hey...wouldn't it be ironic if I had what Pervy had and had to have a ball removed after I made so much fun of him having to have a ball removed?

Heeeeee!!

Take a whiff of that irony, babe!

Wendigo and I had lunch in the city's fanciest restaurant yesterday.

It's on the 22nd floor of this skyscraper in town.

We had a beautiful view of all the nutjobs protesting the removal of the Ten Commandments statue.

I'm not saying that all Christians or all people who believe that the monument should stay in a government building that is supposed to keep church and state separate are nutjobs.

Just the ones who nail 2x4s to their '76 Impalas and then paint Bible verses on those boards and stand outside the building screaming "PUT IT BACK!" until they lose their voices.

Yeah.

Those people.

Anyway, I had salmon for the first time in my life yesterday at this restaurant.

Yep. 41 years old. Never eaten a bite of salmon.

My review?

Tasted kinda fishy.