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6:38 a.m. - 2004-11-15


At exactly what point in time did a woman's rubbing of her ass against a man's crotch for the entire duration of a song become commonly perceived as "dancing"?

I've been back in the DJ business since February and I witness at least one incident of this every single time I've worked.

And frankly, I just don't get it.

Friday night, three women came into the nightclub ... all in their early 20s. None of them particularly good-looking, but not exactly rabid hound dogs either.

So they're sitting at the bar for all of five minutes and a guy walks up and asks one of them to dance because I'm the greatest DJ that ever lived and one cannot resist the will to dance when I'm in the booth. It's a scientific fact, Jack.

The girl agrees to dance and they head to the dance floor.

Keep in mind, before this instance, I doubt the woman had even noticed the guy was in the club.

They get on the floor, she turns away from him, grabs her knees, and starts grinding her ass into his crotch, looking positively bored while doing so.

She may as well have been washing dishes. That's what her face looked like.

He didn't flinch. He grabbed her hips, pulled her ass toward him and started dry humping her.

This went on for the entire duration of the song!

(Abba's "Dancing Queen". Told you I was hot.)

The song was over and I was so appalled that I did my patented "clumsy mix" into the next song (Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler". I'm nothing if not eclectic).

The girl went and sat with her two friends, the guy went back to his table, said something briefly to his buddies and then the three guys approached the three girls, asking them to dance.

The girls obliged.

And in 30 seconds, I now had three guys dry humping three strangers' asses in broad daylight as Kenny Rogers suggested that they all know when to hold 'em and especially know when to fold 'em.

One of the girls took off one of the guys hats that said "SWAT" on it and put it crookedly on her head to let him know that he was dry humpin' a party girl.

Because it's late in the evening, these are the only three couples I have on the dance floor and if someone were to walk in, it'd look like we were about to start a human wheelbarrow race.

I finally got on the microphone and said "You know ... that's a good way to get cooties."

As always, my quick quip fell flat as the guys continued their ass fucking parade on the dance floor.

I think the part that bothers me the most is how disjointed the women look as they do this.

Like "This is how we dance and we find it particularly boring but what are you going to do?"

We've gone a long way from jitterbugging to simulated ass fucking.

And for the record, one of the women hooked up with one of the guys. We closed the club an hour after they got there and the woman told her friends to go home without her as she made out in a booth in the back.

I'm just shocked by this.

Mainly because it took me four hours to get my wife in bed on our first date.

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