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5:46 a.m. - 2004-12-21


10)"Hi. Nice womb you've got there. Mind if I take a peek?"

9) "I'm crazy alright ... crazy for YOUR FETUS!"

8) "Natural childbirth is sooo overrated."

7) "I just saw an A&E special on C-sections last night. Meet me in the alley out back in five minutes and I'll tell you all about it. Oh. And bring a butcher knife."

6) "Did your water just break or are you just happy to see me?"

5) "I'd love to have a baby myself someday ... but right now I just don't have the womb! Get it?!? The "room"...the "womb"?? Oh, c'mon ... laugh or I'll slash your belly open and steal your kid."

4) "I won first prize in a frog dissecting contest in the seventh grade. Want me to prove it?"

3) "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Ha ha ha. I'm just kidding. Give me your baby now."

2) "I'm such an impulsive shopper. I bought a crib at half-price this week and I don't even have a baby! Is that crazy or what? Seriously ... give me your goddamned baby now."

1) "Don't let the absence of a chin fool you ... I'm one hot mama ... OF YOUR UNBORN BABY!!"

Soooo ... Andrew's really being a fucking asshole lately.

I'm talking so bad that the womb-ripping baby snatcher would return him to me, sobbing in her sleeve over his assholiness.

I knew we'd eventually have a problem when I went to daycare to pick him up one day and one of the other boys was hitting and slapping another boy because the slappee was being a "bad boy" and the teacher was turning a blind eye to the situation.

So it was just a matter of time before Andrew came home hitting.

That started about a month ago.

He hits Susie much more than me and has spent more time in "time out" than he spends in "time in" lately.

So yesterday, I take him to the dentist.

Everything's cool and he gets a great checkup report.

So I'm paying the lady and Andrew's playing with some of the toys in the waiting room. No biggie.

I let him play for a few minutes and then tell him it's time to go.

"No," he says defiantly.

"Yes," I say, falling into the trap of arguing with a four year-old. Four year-olds love to argue. It's their nature. The best thing a parent can do is NOT argue ... just take control of the situation without argument. I know this because I read it in Family Circle while Andrew was getting his checkup.

So I took control of the situation.

I went to pick him up and carry him out.

But he did that goddamned "Jell-o" move where he slithered out of my arms back to the floor where he decided that the dentist's waiting room was the perfect location for a major temper tantrum.

So he's on his belly, kicking and screaming that he wants to play with the purple vacuum cleaner before we leave while I'm trying to rationally explain our schedule of events for the morning to him.

I pick him up again with a firmer grip and hoist him upright against my upper torso.

And that's when he decides to give me the face slap from hell.

I never saw it coming. That little hand must have reared back, spun around several times on its axis to gain momentum and then came flying around, landing on my left cheek with a furious rage.

One lady in the waiting room gasped loudly.

And it was that gasp that set me off.

We marched outside and once we got out in the cold air, I gave him the most angry look I could muster and through gritted teeth I said quietly "Don't you EVER do that again! Do you hear me? NEVER do that again!"

He raised that hand up and reared it back again.

This time, I caught the little bastard by the wrist in mid-slap.

We got to the van and opened the door.

And ... okay ... I have swatted my kid on the ass a few times in his life.

He's always had the protection of pants and diaper to make sure his little baby ass didn't get any severe damage.

But not this time.

I stood him up in the side of the van, yanked his pants down to expose his butt and he got three sharp slaps on the ass.

You know that phrase "This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you" that parents used to give us when we were kids mere seconds before spanking us?

That's bullshit.

Because I can GUARANTEE you his ass hurt more than my hand.

And maybe parents meant that mentally, spanking their kid hurt them.

Uh uh.

That kid deserved all three slaps on the butt.

And I slept like a baby last night ... not the least bit tortured over my actions.

I'll still resort to "time outs" as his main method of punishment because it usually works. Five minutes of sitting at the dining room table in silence calms him down and usually solves whatever problems we may be having with him.

But when we didn't have anywhere to put him for a time out, the spanking had to do.

And by the time I picked him up from daycare in the afternoon, that spanking was a faded memory for him as he had a great day at school.

We came home and played Thomas the Tank Engine and Hot Wheels together.

He wasn't scarred for life from a spanking.

"This will hurt me more than it hurts you."


My parents were such f'n liars.

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