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6:14 a.m. - 2005-01-12


The only thing worthy of writing about yesterday was an elderly woman farted loudly when I walked past her in a nursing home yesterday.

Luckily ... I'm suspecting that nothing but dust came out.

Then again, when yo' ass is wrapped up tight in a Depends, there's no telling what came out. She could have lost half her colon and nobody woulda been the wiser.

Therefore ... more FAQs from concerned readers and prying stalkers.

If you were to select a moment when you were convinced that an angel was watching over you, when would it have been?

1985. I had just bought a brand new Chevy Camaro Berlinetta and was cruising around town with a fine lady by my side. We hit a huge puddle in the road and the car began to hydroplane. I panicked and hit the brakes which made the car spin and spin and spin and spin and spin. This took place on a busy bypass at about 7 in the evening. The car finally stopped spinning having never left the road. The cars that had been behind me had all stopped and were waiting patiently for me to stop spinning. I got my bearings, decided which way we had been travelling and put the car into gear SLOWLY. The rest of the evening was spent saying the words "Oh shit!" over and over with my girlfriend.

If you had to name the one thing that repeatedly makes you angriest, what would it be?

People who drive below the speed limit in the left lane. The left lane is for passing, you lame fucks. If you're unable to meet or beat the speed limit, please stay in the right lane, you dirty sons of flea-bitten rancid bitches. GOSH!! (channeling Napoleon Dynamite there)

If you had to eliminate forever one form of weather, what would it be?

Any temperatures over 85 degrees. Fat people don't sweat pretty.

If you had to be addicted to one thing, what would it be?

It would have to be something legal since it's an addiction and I'd have to feed the addiction at the drop of a hat and crack isn't always available at my local corner drugstore. I'm already addicted to chocolate and Chex Mix. HEY!!! Chocolate coated Chex Mix!! BOOO-YAHHHH!!! I WIN!! I WIN!!! Jeebus ... I'm salivating.

If you were to be the opposite sex for a single day, what would you do?

I'd definitely have sex just to see what it's like to have a wiener jammed up my coochie over and over again. I'd buy a vibrator to see what the fuss is all about. I'd stare at my boobs in a mirror for a few hours. I'd watch "Sleepless In Seattle" and sob uncontrollably because I could finally do sowithout coming off as a loser. I'd do the same with an "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" marathon. Then I'd probably do the dishes and the laundry if I knew what was good for me.

If you had to name the next person who should be fired at your place of employment, who would you choose?

There's a girl at the laboratory who always wants to go home and never wants to be at work and is incredibly lazy. So she's gone. At the club we've got this woman bartender in her mid-to-late 50s who never smiles, bitches constantly and hates her job. Sayonara, Nancy.

If you had to pick the TV personality you were most in love with as a kid, who would it be?

Marcia Brady. I wrote a fan letter to Cindy once and got one of those "Dear Friend" form letters back. If only Cindy knew that I was only writing her to get to Marcia, I doubt that she would have sent me that form letter back. Dumbass.

If you could have an entire city depopulated to explore with a friend for one week, what city would it be, and what would you do?

Off the top of my head I'd say Las Vegas and I would probably go around and try to break into vaults and stuff. I dunno.

If you had to recall your worst travel experience, what would it be?

When I was writing coffee table books, I had to go to Eugene, Oregon which was a beautiful place and I even met Natashka while I was there who turned out to be a real cool chick. But Andrew was a newborn and I really really missed him. And when I landed there at 11 pm on a Saturday night, got in my rental car and drove into town, it was sleeting and there was nobody on the streets and the ride into town was just UGLY at night. It got better as the week went on, but that first day was unbearable for me.

That's about it for me. If you want to answer any of the questions your own damned self, do so in the Comments section below. I'm sure others would be interested in your answers.

Alright fine ... I'm not "sure" others give a crap. I'm just trying to be nice.

Damned lousy drivers.

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