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6:37 a.m. - 2005-03-08


So I go to a press conference yesterday.

The city's District Attorney is going to reveal some big news which turns out to be not-so-big news, but that's beside the point.

The D.A. walks into the room and everyone straightens up because she's locally famous.

She walks past me, looks at me and says "You're Uncle Bob!"

(Actually, she used my real name. It would have TOTALLY freaked me out if she knew me by Uncle Bob. I probably would have ran away screaming and then locked this diary up and got real paranoid and all that)

"Yes, I am," I said.

"I read the story about you coming back to the newspaper last week," she says, totally holding up everyone behind her who're all like "Who's this guy?" "Are you going to be writing your humor column again? I loved that!"

At this point, I'm shocked. This woman is known by everyone and is on TV every day.

"I don't think so," I said and then I thought I'd try to be funny. "Shouldn't you be doing a press conference or something?"

She laughed and said "It'd probably be wise to get started on that."

So she does the press conference and afterwards turns to me and says "Any questions, Uncle Bob?"


Thanks for putting me on the spot.

Now, keep in mind, I've got that adult ADD that kicks in whenever I'm at a press conference, church, a seminar, eduational class ... if someone's standing in front of a group and talking about something that I'm not completely interested in ... my mind starts rehashing old "Sanford & Son" plot lines for my own amusement until everyone gets up and leaves.

So at this point ... I have NO IDEA what was just covered in this press conference.

I knew there was something about grants being won from Washington DC.

Victims of crime were going to benefit.

And TV commercials were going to be filmed.


TV commercials!

Ask something about TV commercials, Bob!!

"How long are these TV commercials going to be?" I asked.

The District Attorney looked perplexed.



She turned around to the people behind her and asked.




"Uhhhh...about a minute," she finally answered.

"A minute," I repeated while using the facial expression that conveys deep thought. I punctuated this expression by tapping my lips with my index finger as if this revelation was going to be the gist of my story.

She smiled at me and I smiled back.

The press conference was then over because she knew that if she kept it going, I'd keep asking questions that would stump her and make her look foolish.

So I'm leaving and she grabs me and says "Thanks for coming, Bob."

"Thank you, Ms. D.A.," I say back.

"Please," she says. "Call me Eileen."

Wait a second.

I'm now on first name basis with the district attorney of the city?!?

Piss Boy??

F'n Piss Boy is now on first name basis with the D.A.?!?!?

I ran out of the courtroom, all giddy that me and the D.A. are Best Friends Forever (BFF).

I jumped in the car, peeled out and went about 80 mph through the downtown streets, DARING a cop to pull me over.

Because I'm no longer Piss Boy.

Piss Boy would spend the day behind bars.

Nay ... I am now the District Attorney's best friend.

And she'll get me off the hook in any situation.

And probably get the arresting officer fired too.

Because we's tight now, beeyotch.

I bought a website domain for my business.

I'm pretty excited about this and will be unveiling it soon.

My old boy Mattie Gee approached me several months ago and said he'd design a website for me for free and I was all "You shittin' me?" and he was all "I ain't shittin' ya, boy" and I was all "You sure you ain't shittin' me?" And he was all "If I was shittin' ya, you'd know I was shittin' ya and I ain't shittin' ya, boy. It's free."

I firmly believe that my website will change the face of the Internet as we know it.

Orrrr...maybe not.

But one thing's for sure ... it will be a website.

I had a major scoop that I was going to break in this week's newspaper.

Basically, the rock group The Black Crowes are coming to town for our big annual weekend music event thingie.

In my excitement of having a scoop that hadn't been reported, I emailed my buddy Rad who's in radio and told him that it was coming, since Rad is always on top of breaking news.

Rad had not heard anything about it.

So I outscooped the Radster.

So what does Rad do?

Rad sends the scoop out in his mass emailings of every media person in town because HE wants to break the scoop to them.

One of the people on his email is the entertainment editor of the daily newspaper.

Who confirmed the scoop.

And printed it in today's paper.

Two days before my scoop was going to hit the streets.

Lesson learned ... do not share scoops with Rad.

The rat bastard.

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