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6:09 a.m. - 2005-09-27


Dear W.,

First off ... why W.? I know it's your middle initial and all and it distinguishes you from your geriatric father who is H.W. ... but why? Why not "G.B."? That sounds cooler to me.

"Yo, G.B.! How's that deficit coming along?"

See? If you were G.B. and someone asked you that question, you could point your fingers like a gun at 'em and make a "Click...POW!" sound with your mouth and say "It's under control, baby!"

But if someone says "Yo W. What about that deficit?" you are forced to give them a harried look and say "I'm working on it ... I'm working on it."


So anyway, that's not why I'm writing.

I'm writing because there's a rumor going around the watercooler that you don't like black people.

At first I was kinda shocked when I heard it and I tried to defend you, but people said that it was discussed in great deal on one of the recent telethons and to be honest ... I work nights and don't get to see all the telethons. I saw bits and pieces of Live 8 and I don't recall anyone calling you a white supremist. Then again, I missed Sheryl Crow's set and she can be a mouthy little ho when she wants to be.

What bothers me is that you must not have a public relations person to deal with this kind of thing or else people wouldn't still be talking about it.

That's where I come in.

I'll be honest with you, the most public relations experience I have is I worked an information desk at a mall in New Jersey back in my late teens for a few weeks. Talk about torture!! My job mainly consisted of having people fill out forms to get their money back from this broken Coke machine that was set up at the mall's entrance! Boy! People really get ticked off when they lose money in Coke machines! I was all "C'mon, it's 50 cents, lady!" and they were all "But that's 50 cents that could have gone to my son's college education fund!" and I'm all "I know!! But you wanted to spend it on an ice cold beverage to quench your thirst instead!!" and I'll tell you what, they didn't have too many comebacks for that!!!

So, how do we clear this hurdle that is keeping you from looking good in the black peoples' eyes?

I've got a few ideas.

First, come on TV and say that you're having an affair with Oprah. She's black. This will shock America to its vital core because everyone thought Oprah and Steadman were crazy in love.

If Oprah comes on TV and says that it's not true, say it was Beyonce. I came up with that one while I typed the words "crazy in love". Beyonce's prettier and people will think you have good taste in black women. Black men would have newfound respect for you and say things like "Oh snap!! W. is hittin' that shit?!?" and then they'd slap each other's hands a lot and laugh hysterically, but it'd be a good laugh.

If Beyonce freaks out and says "no", tell them Whitney Houston. Whitney's too strung out on crack to deny any charges, plus ... who'd believe her??

Second, you could say something like "It's not that I hate black people ... I just hate black people's music!" because most white folks over the age of 60 hate black people's music with the exception of Kurt Loder who, for all intents and purposes, may be a robot and not an actual white person. That way, everyone could breathe a sigh of relief that you're not really a racist and agree that while Kanye West may have his moments, he's not really all that.

And finally ... you could go on TV and say that you really love black people ... it's the Swedish you have a problem with. I'm part Swedish and I wouldn't really care if you hated me. I think the Swedish are much less sensitive than black people when it comes to presidents hating them. In fact, they'd probably get an old fashioned Swedish chuckle out of it which sounds like a donkey dry heaving more than someone laughing.

Whichever method you choose to overcome this P.R. nightmare, I wish you luck with it. I didn't vote for you (either time ... sorry) because I knew you were an inept drunken buffoon before you ever took office the first time and then the second time I thought it was clear that America was voting you out of office but apparently I didn't get the memo that that plan had changed. I guess that shows how much I'm out of the loop, huh? HA!

Good luck Mr. W. While I may not care for you personally, I stand behind you in a fit of overwhelming patriotism because I was brought up to support our commander-in-chief even if it does turn out to be Geena Davis.

(Sorry about the Geena Davis thing, but I'm also in cahoots with ABC to help promote their new shows in an effort to get some new Kenmore appliances for my fat-assed sister. It's a long story that I'll tell you about some other time.)

Sincerely yours,

Uncle Bob Stevens

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