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6:11 a.m. - 2005-11-28


I'm here at work a little early today because we were told that if we all wanted a four-day weekend, we could have it but we'd have to come in early on Monday.

I got here at 5:45 a.m. this morning.

Obviously, my definition of "early" didn't exactly gel with anybody else's definition.

Had a good restful weekend ... as always ... thanks for asking.

Thursday we had Susie's family over for Thanksgiving dinner which was a hit due to my scrumptious smoked ham which everyone raved about and clamored around me wanting to know my secret for cooking such a delectable piece o' pork and some even wanting me to autograph their slice of ham which I happily complied with.

Friday ... oh dear God ... Friday.

For the first time ever, I allowed myself to get caught up in the hubbub known as "Black Friday" and ventured out of the house at 4:45 a.m. to go to Target which opened at 5 a.m. with phenomenal storewide sales.


Target opened at SIX A.M.

Not 5 a.m.

Sometimes it pays to not listen to those obnoxious commercials and to just call your local Target and get the skinny straight from the horse's mouth.

This would be one of those times.

So as I stood there with a few other women who had the foresight to bring something WARM to drink, they started up conversations and tried desperately to include me in their little pow-wows.

Trouble was ... I'm pretty mum on my opinions when it comes to tablecloth patterns and quilting.

By 5:30, a good sized line had started behind us and people were bustling with anticipation.

Some had already been to Walmart.

One lady said she had bought a turkey at Walmart half priced.

Uhhhh ... lady. Thanksgiving was YESTERDAY you dumbshit.

By 5:55 a.m. we had a nice uniform line that was wrapped around the entrance and down the side of the building.

But ... there was a group of about ten women who were not standing in line and had formed a little posse near the entrance.

Nobody was saying anything to them.

I looked around.

Besides me, there were two other males in line.

250 women.

Three guys.

5:59 a.m.

The management started walking towards the doors to unlock them.

The posse of ten women inched closer to the door.

I could see what was going on.

These ladies had no intention of getting in line.

They were professional Black Fridayers.

As soon as the doors opened, they were going to lunge forward and shove their way in, screwing everyone else in line out of whatever the posse was getting.

Well .. not over my dead bloated body.

"Hey," I said. "You ladies need to get in line like the rest of us."

I have this problem, y'see.

I have no qualms with telling someone when I think they're doing something wrong.

BUT ... when I do this, I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS think that I'm the voice of the People and that the People will back my boisterous ass up on whatever it is I'm trying to say.

You'd think I'd have learned by now.

So as I stood there, hands on my hips, trying desperately to swing my head around on my neck to give off that "Oh no you di'int!" vibe to these ladies, fully expecting the crowd behind me to say "YEAH! BACK OF THE LINE, SISTAS!" ... the crowd couldn't give a shit.

The doors unlocked.

And sure as shit ... those ladies PUSHED PEOPLE OUT OF THE WAY.

They had been waiting all of five minutes to get in while others had waited over an hour.



I'm not ashamed to admit that one of the women received a particularly sharp elbow to her bosom for her troubles by yours truly.

She glared at me like she had a gun in her hand and wanted to remember the face of the man she was about to execute for daring to suggest that she waited in line like an actual human being.

I just glared right back.

Fuck you, Black Fridayer.

We all tore off towards the toy section while a scant few ladies were instantly hypnotized by the savings near the front of the door.

Sorry, bitches.

I ain't gots the time to dilly-dally staring at half-priced zirconia.

I nabbed Andrew an air hockey table for $40, two V-Tech cartridges and a Chutes and Ladders game and hauled my happy ass to the front of the store where I was the very first person to check out on Black Friday.

I expected to be mobbed by local newshounds wanting to get a sound byte from me as I bravely told my tale of whipping a professional Black Fridayer into submission as I climbed over the throng of people and gallantly grabbed my purchases.

No such luck.

The newshounds were still snugly snoozing in their beds.

I'd write more but people are showing up for work and are talking to me about eating turkey and I have to pretend like I'm interested in their Thanksgiving stories.

Like you just pretended to be interested in mine.

Adios, pussies.

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