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6:39 p.m. - 2007-10-11


Had the heart cath thing today.

Here's the major news ... hold on to your seats here, kids ... I DIDN'T DIE.

In fact, as always, I proved those doctors wrong I did.

The heart's fine. Very very minor blockage in two arteries but with continued exercise and eating right, the blockage will go away.

They also gave me some sort of cholesterol medicine to help get the blockage out ... even though I have perfect cholesterol.

That's right. I'm about the most out-of-shape bastard I know ... yet my cholesterol is the cholesterol that legends are made out of. Or something.

Forgive me ... I'm still somewhat loopy from the "relaxing IV" I received today. You're lucky I'm making at least SOME sense right now.

I was so proud of myself for actually staying awake throughout the procedure.

Once they were done fishing a goddamned camera through my groin and into my heart, taking a couple of pictures and then pulling it back out, I was all "I did it! I did it! I beat you all at your own game! I didn't pass out! I stayed awake the whole time!"

They're wheeling me out of there and I'm all "I can't believe I stayed awake the whole time blah blah blah" and they're all "Shut up fat boy, we're almost at your room."

They wheel my bed in the room and I'm telling Susie "Stayed awake the WHOOOOLE TIME!"

And the nurse looks at her and shakes her head "no" silently.


No wonder.

I thought an entire operation done in 22 seconds WAS a little fast.

My poor field o' pubes.

I think I covered this during my last heart cath in 2001 ... but they shave your pubes for some unknown reason before they enter the cath.

As the lady started shaving, I asked her if I slipped her a $20 if she could do some hearts or diamond shapes down there.

She said she'd need a stencil to do that.

So she left me with an airport strip.

Is it "airport strip" or "airplane strip"?

Or the "Abnormally hairy stripper strip"?

Regardless, my crotch looks like a very depressed Adolph Hitler right now.

You know.

If Hitler had a Jew nose and testicles for a chin.

Andrew's having a wee bit of trouble at school lately.

Every day for the last week, we've been getting notes sent home in his book bag.

"Laughed at other students in trouble".

Well ... that's not very specific.

Does he laugh at other students and THEN get in trouble?

Are the other students in peril and Andrew responds by laughing?

Or are other kids getting into trouble and Andrew snickers at their misfortunes?

So Susie decided to ask his teacher what's going on.

It seems there's a kid in his class in a wheelchair.

And the kid sometimes has trouble getting his wheelchair through some of the classroom doors.

Then apparently the kid turns the whole affair into an I Love Lucy skit ... slamming his wheelchair into the door frame again and again as he becomes increasingly frustrated and saying "SON OF A BITCH!"

(Andrew actually told us that the kid got in trouble for saying "SOB" but not WHY the kid was saying it)

This little show then causes Andrew to erupt into fits of giggles.

We're talking about a kid whose favorite TV show is "America's Funniest Home Videos".

Of course he's going to laugh at this. It's nothing personal. If something goes wrong in life and it results in someone else's frustration, my kid's gonna bust out laughing.

He finds humor in other people's misfortunes.

That should prove without a single doubt ... he's my boy.

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