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21:25:01 - 2000-02-03

The wife's gone to bed.

With the exception of this computer monitor, it's completely dark in the house.

It's time to tell the BJ story.

I hate blow jobs. And yes...I'm a male.

It's a pretty big hangup of mine. I have never been able to fully enjoy one. I've always said that a blow job is no better than jacking off with a pair of scissors. I just don't like sharp things...including teeth ... anywhere in the general vicinity of my penile instrument. It's like an obsessive compulsive disorder ... stick my cha-cha in someone's mouth and I immediately turn into Jerry Lewis -- flailing my arms and legs in a spastic fashion and yelling "Hey LADYYYYYYYY!!!!"

The most common comeback I hear from women when I tell them that I don't enjoy blow jobs is "Well, you've just never had a good one."

I usually respond with "Then I guess I've just had a shitload of godawful blow jobs in my life, huh you cumguzzling whore?"

That's not entirely true. I don't usually call them a "cumguzzling whore." I think I use the word "ho".

Honestly, I have no idea what the difference between a good blow job and a bad blow job is. I do know that I hate 'em both. It's like me asking you "Tell me pal ... do you like Rottweiler shit or Poodle shit?"

Exactly. Shit is shit. And a blowjob is a blowjob.

... My metaphors are slightly off kilter tonight. Apologies needed??

Wonderful. THAT'S why I love you!!!

Anywhoo...I do remember the absolute worst blow job I ever received. It was in college from this girl named Karen. Karen was the roommate of a girl that my roommate was dating. It was inevitable that the four of us would eventually spend time together.

Karen wasn't my type at all. She was way too loud and was really plugged into that whole "Valley Girl" scene. Like oooh muh GAHHHHHHHHHHHD!! She would actually say "gag me with a spoon" every chance she got.

... I told my roommate that I'd like to gag her with my dick. We both had a hearty laugh and then he sucked me off to orgasm.

...I'm kidding you pervs. I just needed to shake things up a bit there.

....But he did tickle my balls til I spooted in his eye ...

I'M KIDDING AGAIN!! AHAHAHAHAHAA!!!....I'm such a card!

...Actually ... he plucked my pubes with his teeth....

ALRIGHT!!! THAT'S ENOUGH!!! THIS ISN'T EVEN FUNNY ANYMORE!!! MOVE ON ASSHOLE!!! night, we're all at our apartment. There was an ice storm outside and we had all gotten pretty wasted and nobody was going anywhere anytime soon. Before long, my roommate and his gal went giggling off into the bedroom that he and I shared.

Leaving me and Karen alone in the living room.

I remember having "The Wall" by Pink Floyd playing, and it was on Side two. We had the lights off except for an oil lamp in the corner and we were both pretty well lit, both sitting on the couch with our legs outstretched in front of us.

She laid her head down in my lap and asked me to rub her scalp. Ladies...if I had any CLUE that rubbing your scalp turned you all into she-devil whore dogs from outer God ... I woulda been a scalp-scrubbing bastard straight outta the womb.

The next thing I knew ...I had an erection from hell. There was no hiding this thing. Granted, I had been sexually active for almost three years at this point and had had four partners. I was Joe Stud ... no longer the naive virgin that couldn't take a hint if it was written on paper and handed to him.

Still ... I had NO CLUE as to how to initiate sex. Luckily for me, a stiff penis jabbing Karen in the ear did the trick.

She rolled over on her stomach, looked at me and smiled, and then lifted the left leg of my shorts up to expose the almighty Bobzilla Sausage.

....And then promptly proceeded to give me the absolute worst blow job imaginable.

This girl attacked me like a pit bull on a three year-old. After ten seconds, I seriously thought I'd lost the head of my dick somewhere. I figured it was wedged in her gullet. I'm pretty sure she was trying to jam her fist up my ass while she tried to suck my balls down her throat. I'm squeezing my ass cheeks together like I'd just had the enchilada platter at Taco Bell, trying to keep this woman's forearm out of my colon. Meanwhile, my mind is racing as to how the hell I can get this human vacuum off my dick before serious, irreparable damage is done.

There was drool everywhere. I thought she was having some sort of seizure. She was literally spitting all over my groin like Daffy Duck on a three-day bender. For comparison's sake ... when fucking Leo DeCaprio died in "Titanic", HIS ass was drier then I was right then. At this point, all I wanted was a towel and for this slobber machine to take her tongue outta the tip of my dick and pretend that this desecration of a sex act never happened.

Karen then made a foolish mistake. Had she been James Bond, she'd be ducking a laser gun at this point.

She had the gall to stop gnawing on my wiener long enough to ask "You like that, baby?"

Keep in mind ... I was trashed. And I really didn't feel like lying.

"Not really," I said. "You're hurting me."

At this point, this hoity toity little sorority gal who thought she was Moon Fucking Zappa gets offended.

"Well fuck you then," she says, sitting up and beginning to tear up.

I then saw her face. Her lipstick was smeared all over her mouth, upper lip and chin. She looked like John Wayne Gacy in his clown suit. How on earth a woman could give head for 30 seconds and look like she'd been hit in the face with a cinder block was beyond me.

I wanted to laugh but I knew if I did she may try to blow me again and I would die.

I then QUICKLY explained that had she asked, I would have told her I hated blow jobs and would rather be chained to an electric fence with dogs pissing on me than have my dick sucked. It wasn't HER. It was the sexual act. Sorta like if I said "Gee...I'd really like to pee in your mouth." You may saw "ewww" but it's not so much "ME" that you're ewwwing ... it's the act of swallowing urine itself that causes your stomach to turn.

She then QUICKLY calmed down.

...And, in the process... became a pretty decent number five.



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