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5:55 a.m. - October 5th


You know something that's REALLY hard to do??

Picking out a coloring book for a war orphan.

I didn't think it would be all that tough. We were at Walmart ... home of the coloring books ... and Susie says "Pick out some crayons and coloring books for the kids."

Oh...we were shopping for Operation Christmas Child, which I linked in yesterday's entry but am too lazy to link in today's entry.

...That's what we call "background" in diary speak...

Anywahoooo...Susie picks up a cute little coloring book that she wanted to get them. There were no words in the coloring book and pictures of all kinds of things.

You know...tacos, hot dogs, televisions, cell phones, computers, cars, airplanes...

Stuff that a war orphan will probably NEVER see.

I tell wife can be a cruel, cruel person sometimes.

"Honey," I said. "Do you REALLY think that these children will want to color a taco? They eat raw rice every day. First, they have no idea what a taco is. Second, if they do stumble upon somebody who knows what a taco is, do you REALLY think they want to hear 'It's a delicious delicacy that you will never taste because you're stuck here in war-torn Bosnia'??"

So we kept on our search for a coloring book that wouldn't offend these kids.

Power Rangers?? Nope.

Pokemon?? EEP!! Too frightening for American kids, let alone war orphans.

Finally, I stumbled across a "Fish" coloring book.


They MIGHT have water there. With fish in the water.

Fish it is!

We bought the stuff they ask you to buy, but these kids are still going to have a shitty Christmas regardless.

It sucks when your most expensive and extravagant gift is a Koosh Ball.

Anyway ... it really makes you think about how lucky we all have it here.

Well lucky I have it here. I'm fortunate enough that if I were to receive a Koosh ball for a gift, I could throw it in the person's face and stomp out of the room in disgust.

War orphans don't even have a room to stomp out of.


So ... I emailed Brad Pitt yesterday to ask him if I could use his nickname at Mighty Big TV when I start recapping "Ed" this Sunday night.

He emailed me back and it was full of gibberish. Stuff about Rob Lowe and bongs and cleaning up for Poker night.

The guy is strange.

BUT...he did grant me permission to use "Brad F'n Pitt" as my recapper name at Mighty Big TV.

What does this mean to you??

Well ... YOU'RE a lucky one!

Y'see ... YOU are like SOOOOO cool because you know the REAL identity behind Brad F'n Pitt.

So when all your little friends say on Tuesday "Did you see that Brad F'n Pitt is actually writing for MBTV??" you can snicker to yourself, knowing that it's not REALLY the Brad Pitt from Diaryland, but it's REALLY Uncle Bob.

Won't that be cool??

Won't it??

Just a little??? you could care less. Regardless ... if you come looking for Uncle Bob there ... it's going to be Brad F'n Pitt.


Oh...and they gave me a secret password that I can use on some top secret boards that only the writers can visit and talk about all the lowlifes that visit the site or something.

It's pretty cool. It's like I'm part of the gang. Except they have no idea what they've just let into the gang and I'm the newest guy there. The low guy on the totem pole. The "Can You Get Me A Bagel While You're Out" guy.


They'll come around eventually.


I've seen pictures now... Schmezzie is gorgeous!!!

Email her and tell her you wanna see her pics. Tell her I sent you and you'll get a bonus nude photo.

Bonus nude....Bone us nude....



My God.

Yesterday, I ordered a calzone from this hippie pizza place, Tomatino's for lunch.

I'm STILL full.

This thing was HUGE!!!!! Stuffed full of sausage, pepperoni and mushrooms.

I didn't eat dinner last night.

Won't eat breakfast today.

I swear ... one calzone will feed you for a day. time you come visit me, we'll head to Tomatino's and grab a calzone and see if you can spontaneously combust from eating it.

C''ll be fun.


Since Napster became my end-all, be-all for music consumption, I haven't bought a CD.

The last CD I bought was in April...the Pink Floyd disc where they do "The Wall" live.

So yesterday...I bought two CDs.

This is coming from a guy who previously bought at LEAST two CDs a week.


Got Radiohead's "Kid A" and Kirk Franklin's "One Nation Crew".

Man oh boys in Radiohead have gotten a bit strange. I've only heard the first four tracks of it ... but wow ... I sure hope this isn't a direction they plan on continuing. It's getting great reviews and will probably take me a while to absorb, but so no likey.

Kirk Franklin guy can write some tunes. Some gorgeous songs there. Lotsa good singers on the disc. If you're into gospel with some soul behind it...pick it up.

And if you're not...well...pick it up anyway. Because I said so.

Actually, if'n ya want...go to Napster and download "In Your Grace" by Kirk Franklin. If you like that, you'll like the rest.

I'll keep my Napster up all day if ya wanna get it from me.

Bobzilla2000 is the handle.

Glad to meet cha.



What was the last purchase that you made that you would recommend everyone rush out and buy?

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NEW!!!Come and write some BAD EROTICA with the cool kids!

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Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

Losing Focus While Trying To Write A Blog Entry Is Cool. - 1:47 p.m. , 2008-12-04

Buck Up Junior, You Could Be Digging Ditches - 11:36 p.m. , 2008-10-31

That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

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