CHRISTMAS MEMORIES

Wowsa.

Man ... I'll tell ya what...it's been HEAVEN to stay away from the computer for three days.

Yep. Three days.

Of course ... today I have all kindsa things to write and get done.

...And today was s'posed to be my "lazy" day.

*sigh*

Alright ... for my own personal use ... I'm going to review the madcap adventures of moi over the last four days.

Oh yeah...hope everyone had a safe and happy Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Blahblahblah...

FRIDAY

I don't remember much about Friday except I left work pissed as hell. I remember one of the reasons I was pissed...

We were all kinda sitting around, waiting for the bossman to hand out Christmas bonuses.

Finally, he spoke up.

"I just want y'all to know...your gifts haven't made it here yet," he lied. "They've been ordered, but they didn't make it here on time."

Okay.

Let's just say he WASN'T lying for a minute. I think he was lying because we all gave him a nice new briefcase ... and he felt like he was on the spot, so he said our presents were on ORDER.

What would a boss order for his employees?

They all have to be the same thing...so here's my guesses.

It's either some kinda tin full of nuts or candy...or a pen and pencil set.

I mean...what else COULD it be??

Now then...if my boss got me a fucking pencil for Christmas...well...I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bust out the Kung Fu on his drunken ass.

...We'll see...

SATURDAY

In order to get into the festive holiday spirit...Susie and I bundled the kid up and we went last minute Christmas shopping.

My boy Eddie Lavoie called right as we were leaving and I asked him if he wanted to tag along. He did.

We ended up buying a DVD player for the den as our "big" gift. It's pretty cool...has the MP3 capabilities, which means it can play the CDs that have over 100 songs on them ... making each CD play for about 10 hours or so.

Pretty cool...pretty cool...

Bought a couple of other things...nothing of great importance. I bought Susie "It's a Wonderful Life" on DVD because it's one of her favorites....bought myself "Very Bad Things" because every CD I wanted, I had put on a list for my lousy fucking brother in law to buy me, since he drew my name for Christmas this year.

Saturday night, we tried to watch "The Green Mile" but we both hopped up and started doing other things around the house and eventually turned it off.

No movie should be over two hours long from here on out. Okay, Hollywood??

SUNDAY

Okay ... here's the deal...

I'm taking care of Mattie Gee's puppy, Brak. Brak is half Jack Russell Terrier, half pit bull.

To say he's a hyperdog is putting it lightly.

I go over to the house and open the door.

Brak's excited to see me. He lets me know this by headbutting me in the nuts.

"Oof," I say to Brak. "You almost dislodged my testicles, buddy."

Brak doesn't care. All he cares about is getting his leash on him so he can get outside and run.

I search for his leash...oh...there it is...covered in dog shit.

Apparently, Brak had shit on the floor and dragged EVERYTHING in the kitchen through his shit.

I carefully washed the shit off his retractable leash and put it on him.

I opened the door.

Brak ran out the door.

The leash snapped off.

And the last thing I saw was Brak, tearing ass down the icy street.

Okay...here's the deal.

I'm almost 39 years old. I'm about as out of shape as a guy my age can be.

And the street had ice patches all over it.

"Brak," I called helplessly. "Come back!"

Just my luck. Brak doesn't speak English.

So I carefully begin jogging lightly down the street in search of Brak.

I can no longer see Brak. He's gone baby, gone.

Ten minutes later, I see Brak darting out of someone's back yard and speeding across the street like his ass was on fire.

"Brak," I called. "Come here, I have a treat."

I showed Brak a stick that I had picked up to beat the holy shit out of him in case I ever found him again.

Brak loves sticks.

Brak came running over to me, full steam ahead, looking to take my nuts out in one swift headbutt.

I crouched down and caught him in my arms.

And he knocked me back on my ass on the ice.

What a dog.

So I gather Brak up and we gingerly walk back to the house, where I clean up dog shit for 30 minutes while he tries to bite my face.

That Brak.

What a dog.

I get done there, we go to church.

Our pastor was wearing a bow tie. He greeted us at the door to church and I commented that it was a "beautiful day in the neighborhood."

....you know...like Mr. Rogers...

Except Mr. Rogers didn't wear bow ties, so my lame attempt at making fun of one of God's Soldiers backfired.

After church, we did even MORE last minute shopping. Got home, I grilled some steaks, went back and walked Brak again with his NEWWWWWW leash, went back home and we went to the Christmas Eve service at church.

....You know...that service where Andy blew his colon out.

Yeahhhhh...that one.

During one of the scripture readings, Andy let go with a monster fart.

Heads turned. They literally turned.

I'm shocked that the lady reading the scripture didn't stop reading.

Andy saw nothing wrong with this. He just sat there and stared at me like "That was for you, Daddy."

Thanks, son. And I didn't get you anything...I feel so bad.

Other than that major discretion, Andy stayed alert through the whole service and didn't make a peep. Everyone was so proud of him for keeping quiet the whole time.

...Nobody wanted to hold the little fart machine. But they sure were proud.

We then went to my boss's annual Christmas Eve party for about 30 minutes. He had a full house of folks getting smashed and eating cheese balls and crackers.

I had two glasses of punch that were spiked with champagne.

I was one light-headed sonofabitch. Giggly too. I left before I got REALLY drunk and berated my boss in front of family and friends over his pitiful attempt at making us believe that he got us all Christmas gifts.

Went home and watched...ummmmm...OH...we tried to watch "Magnolia". Watched the first 45 minutes and we both fell asleep on the sofa. I still have to get around today to watching the whole thing.

MONDAY...CHRISTMAS DAY....

Not very eventful. We had already opened and hooked up the DVD player. Andrew had already been born...those were our two gifts this year.

Susie DID buy me a "father" picture frame and ummmm....theWWFcookbook....

Hey. Sue me. I like cook books. It doesn't make me gay. It just makes me a fat sonofawhore.

So then we begin cleaning house and cooking in anticipation of all my in-laws coming over for Christmas dinner.

They get here. My pervert nephew. My low-life brother in law. And all the rest of the strange brood.

The nephew now knows...he's not allowed on the computer any more. He didn't even ASK to get on it. I was glad.

We begin opening presents.

Susie had told her brother that there was really only ONE DVD that I really wanted...."Scary Movie".

Now...if you happened to go shopping this weekend and look at DVDs...I GUARANTEE you...you saw "Scary Movie" on the shelves. I saw it EVERYWHERE, with the cheapest place being Circuit City.

My brother in law went to buy it at Circuit City.

I opened the package...

....."Jaws".

"Jaws"??

Fucking "Jaws"????

HELLO?!?!?

I asked for "SCARY FUCKING MOVIE".

"That IS one of the scariest movies ever," my brother in law assures me. "When that shark comes out of the water for the first time, I almost pissed my pants."

Okay...the visual of my nerd-assed brother-in-law pissing his pants was enough to make me hurl holiday ham all over the room.

He then explained to me that he went to Circuit City and they were all out of "Scary Movie".

They had 200 copies of it at 1 p.m.....by 3 p.m., according to my fucked up brother in law...every single copy had been sold.

I wanted to punch his lying ass right there and then, except I doubt Jesus would have approved.

So I asked myself "What Would Jesus Do?"

Well ... first...I doubt Jesus would have a DVD player. But if He did, and He asked for the ONE movie that Circuit City had 200 copies of for his birthday and got something that He NEVER EVEN ASKED FOR ... well...I'm pretty sure Jesus woulda cold-cocked the sonofabitch right there on the jaw.

I gave him a weak smile and said "I'm sure I'll like this."

Yeah right.

I'm heading to Circuit City today to exchange the bastard for "Scary Movie".

...The fuck...

After dinner, I was cleaning up the kitchen while the family hooted and hollered at "It's A Wonderful Life".

"Don't jump, George!!!" my mother in law yelled as George Bailey began to jump into an icy river.

"He isn't going to jump, Mother," my dipshit of a brother in law corrected her. "Clarence saves him."

Oh...thanks for ruining it, dipshit. I suppose the shark eats everyone in "Jaws" too, you fucker.

Anyway...while I'm cleaning up...my nose starts bleeding like a fountain.

I grabbed a paper towel and found my way back to the bedroom where I laid down and got a few moment's peace with blood all over me.

It sure beat listening to commentary from my in-laws on the same damned movie they watch every year.

They all finally left and it was just the three of us. Andy began getting fussy, so we put his brand new copy of "Baby Mozart" into the VCR.

That was the coolest thing. Andy cooed and kicked and shrieked in joy at all the little toys and puppets on the TV screen.

I've gotta admit...I got misty-eyed watching him get into the video.

And ya know...to me...that made up for all the other crap.

Watching my baby boy smile with eyes wide open.

That, my friend...meant "Christmas" to me.

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QUESTION OF THE DAY

Soooo...was it a good one for you?