I'VE GOT THE NEW COMPUTER BLUES

What is it about pregnant women that make them go delirious?

I told you my computer monitor is quickly going out and I'm left sitting here staring at a monitor that is grey and funky.

But I'm still here.

Anywhooo...I call the wife this morning at 8:30 a.m. to get her permission to buy a new monitor. I expected to be chewed out and told to live with what I had.

Uh-uh.

"Sure," was my answer. Apparently she had just received a bonus at work recently and hadn't told me yet.

Can you say "whoooohooooo"?

I go to Circuit City where I have a credit card and they treat me like the free-spending idiot that I am.

I was greeted by Jason. He of the foul breath and even worse mustache.

"Can I help you sir," he asked.

"Holy Shit man, put a muzzle on that skank mouth," I said, covering my nose and mouth and letting my eyes water freely.

"I'm sorry sir, I've drank a pot of coffee this morning. What can I help you find today," he asked.

"I'm looking for a computer monitor my good man," I said, clapping the foul-smelling bastard on the back. "I do not wish to spend more than 200 smackers."

Jason led me to the $99 computer monitors.

"These monitors are excellent for people that never use their computers except for decoration," he said, rolling out the company spiel. "They're also good for blind children with no arms."

"Point me in the direction of a monitor suited more for my tastes. Can you do that, Senor Shitbreath?," I asked.

He gave me that look I sometimes get that says "You are one irritating sonofabitch" and steered me over to the Sony Triniton.

This thing is the sleekest computer monitor on the planet.

I had to have it.

$300.

Not a problem. I have to have it.

Frankie Fartbreath goes to ring me up and has bad news.

"Uncle Bob, we don't have the Sony Triniton in stock. I have one on its way here today and I will call you when it gets here."

"Tell ya what there, Dogfuck Breath," I sighed. "You do that. I'll be sittin' at home all fuckin' day waiting on yer call...capiche??"

We agreed and parted ways.

I called my boy Eddie Lavoie.

Eddie said buying a new monitor for my dinosaur of a computer was a big mistake. Along the lines of the Hindenburg crashing, Three Mile Island and NBC's "Battery Park".

"Get a new computer," he pleaded with me.

Well gee Eddie...I sure would love to...unfortunately...I've got a ten pound screaming pile of flesh on its way in six months. A computer is kind of out of the question.

Or so I thought. Which gets me back to the whole "Are pregnant women delirious" question.

Ahhhhhh....you thought I was just rambling, didn't you??

NOPE!

This time...I have a point.

So ... I call the wife and tell her I bought a $300 monitor and Eddie had a ludicrous idea of me cancelling that and getting a whole new system.

"Sure," she said with a bounce in her voice. "Better do it now before the baby's born."

Hello??

Did I have the wrong number???

Before she realized what she had just given me carte blanche to do, I told her I loved her and hung up on her.

I checked Gateway. They wanted my first born in exchange for a computer. Since I've waited 12 years for this one, I declined their generous offer.

I went back to Circuit City and tracked down Sir Green Gums the VIII.

"Bad news, Stinky," I said to him as I kept my distance. "I'm cancelling the monitor. But I'm in the market for a new computer!"

We grabbed hands and danced around in a small circle until we attracted attention and then stopped.

He showed me some systems that were DIRT CHEAP compared to Gateway.

They're Hewlett Packard.

My boy Eddie Lavoie says pass on the Packard.

Any opinions out there?

So now...I've got some prices on new puters. I've got the wife so high on life she's agreeing to anything.

And I've got chicken burning in the damned oven...I'm gone...