A MILESTONE IN THE HISTORY OF SEX

Okay ... this one's kinda nasty. I don't want CHILDREN reading this. If you think you can take words like "clitoris" lightly...keep reading. If not...click here.

Well, I didn't win the lottery. So the All Expense Paid Diarylander trip to Hawaii is off.

Just so you understand ... had I WON the lottery, I would have flown everyone in Diaryland who WANTED to go to Hawaii, put you up in a hotel for a week and paid for all the food and drink.

...Of course...I would have been in Alabama the entire time, bathing in money and refusing to hobnob with poor scum such as yourselves.

...The money had already gone to my head, don't ya know?

So here we are. All still penniless and poor.

But we're rich in heart, eh?

Fat lot of good that does when you're trying to pay bills.

Sooooo...it was TWENTY YEARS AGO today that I lost my virginity.

I've written about losing the big V already in this diary.

I just can't freakin' believe it's been twenty years.

FACTS ABOUT THE LOSS OF MY VIRGINITY:

* I was expecting much more. I was expecting euphoria and not just slippery friction.

* I expected little cherubs floating around the room shooting arrows at our asses.

* Even though she was NOT a virgin, she didn't have all that much experience. She had never done the oral sex thing and wasn't planning on starting with me.

* I wore a condom.

* The only light in the room was the glow from my stereo receiver.

* I did EVERYTHING I could think of that I had read about in dirty magazines.

* I never found the clitoris. I kept checking behind her ear.

* I humped like I was never going to get the chance again.

* The missionary position was the position of choice.

* We had to be very quiet because we were in the basement of my parent's house and I didn't want anyone coming in there.

* My entire family knew I had lost my virginity within days of actually doing it. It seems my younger sister (who I hadn't spoken to for years until Dad's surgery last week), was an avid reader of my diary and when she came across the details of this day, she shared them with Mom and my other sister. This revelation came at dinner one night that everyone knew I was no longer a virgin.

* And you wonder how I got so strange.

* My mom LOVED Stacey, my sex partner. Stacey was 17 and smoked like a chimney, so Mom had someone to sit and smoke with now. Stacey was the nicotine-addicted daughter that Mom never had. In fact, at my graduation a few weeks later, Mom and Stacey were outside smoking right after my name was announced and I had walked across the stage. As I was walking back to my seat, I watched them both sneak out a side door to stoke a butt together.

* I think Mom sometimes wishes I had married Stacey. But marry the first girl I had sex with?!? ARE YOU INSANE?!?!?

* I was going to nail any and every girl that ever looked at me twice after this.

*It took me 90 minutes to orgasm. Later, in college, I found out I had retarded ejaculation...we've covered this before I'm sure. Sadly...I don't suffer from that MUCH anymore. Every now and then I can produce a marathon sex session. But for the most part, it's "wham bam fix me some ham, ma'am" these days.

I was used to masturbation since I had single-handedly discovered the technique myself.

That's right. Uncle Bob Discovered Masturbation.

No...I don't get the props that Einstein, Graham Bell and the Wright brothers get.

There's no big statue of me somewhere laying in a bed with a pup tent in my sheets.

But I discovered it. And you all have me to thank for it.

Sex was almost like masturbation, except I had no real control over the whole act. I had to depend on her to give me the feeling that I was used to having and it just wasn't working.

I mean, c'mon...when you INVENT masturbation, you pretty much have a patent on the procedure. I KNEW what I wanted and needed. And she felt a tad different than my hand.

Still, we made it through the ordeal unscathed. She couldn't walk for two days, but c'mon ...YOU have sex for 90 minutes and try to run a marathon, Flo-Jo.

All in all, it was a lot of fun, it was memorable, but it just wasn't as great as I had built it up to be.

I often wonder whatever happened to Stacey. Not as much as I do my SECOND bed partner, who was a bit more serious. But Stacey was cool. A good friend that became a bed partner and then went back to being a good friend after a while.

Let's keep in mind ... Stacey was no porn star in training. She was under the impression all she had to do was lay there and that was her duty.

Ladies ... if you're inexperienced ... make up for it in other areas.

*Talk suggestively. Whispering what you want us to do to you is a good start. But keep it in the sexual realm. We don't want to hear "I really want you to find me a job with a high paying company and help my mother move her sofa this weekend."

* Make noises. That's the only way we know you're still breathing. Because let's face it ... no man has ever brought a woman to orgasm, so that's out of the question. Making noises is a good way of saying "Hey, you're not hurting me, so you can continue."

* Smile and bite your lower lip every time we look at you during the act. It will make it all go much quicker.

* Remember our names if you're going to use them.

* Don't yawn or hum hymns.

* Try not to pass gas.

* SHOW us the clitoris. Don't expect us to find it. We don't ask you to slit us open and point out our third vertebrae, so don't expect us to find the only tiny little millimeter of flesh that gives you any pleasure until we've got years of experience under our belt.

* I'm serious. Plus, if you SHOW us ... we get that much more excited.

* When I say "us", I'm NOT talking about me ...Uncle Bob. I'm talking about all other males. I have found the clitoris and could probably find it blindfolded if it hummed. But that doesn't mean I know how to treat it right. Obviously, jabbing and gnawing at it doesn't work. But I'm still trying to understand it.

That's it. An extremely disjointed entry for you kids. I was wanting to write so much more about losing the Virginity, but it's all been covered before or on my other site.

You know us guys...once we get some, we've gotta tell EVERYBODY.