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06:16:05 - 2000-02-01

I was thinking yesterday, which almost caused blood clots in my brain, and I thought "Uncle's what ya need to do. Ya need to move this stupid 1980 diary to your official web site, since you have room for it there every day. Let's leave the Diaryland site as it is and quit boring everyone there with shit that happened 20 years ago."

Okay ... how about 25 years ago??

I either promised or meant to promise a story about the first time I masturbated. If I were a gentleman, I would admit that it were also the LAST time that I masturbated. However, I'm a drug-crazed sex fiend, hopped up on 'ludes and masturbating from chandeliers at elegant parties.

That's not true. I've never taken 'ludes.

Alright ... here's the deal ...I told you about my first wet dream yesterday. That happened in January of 1975 when I was 13. In March of 1975, my family moved to Idar-Oberstein, West Germany. Since my parents weren't able to jet back and forth to go house hunting, we all had to move into a hotel, the Park Hotel in downtown Idar Oberstein.

My parents shared a room, my sisters shared a room and I had my own hotel room for three months, while my parents looked for homes.

I spent a lot of time alone in that hotel room. And on one of those lonely German nights, I devised a plan that, if successful, could change the face of modern science as we knew it.

I was going to attempt to give myself a wet dream while still awake.

Ever since that first wet dream two months earlier, every night I went to bed praying for another. I had one more before we left for Germany. I remember thanking God for the dream. The second wet dream I wasn't as scared of all the semen like I was the first time. I mean hell...I survived the damned thing ... if I had another dream, the chances were high I would live to tell the tale of that one too.

Not like I was telling anybody. After two wet dreams I still had no clue what was going on. It's not the kinda thing you take to school with ya on the bus.

ME: "Hey guys, guess what I did last night?"

GUYS: "What?"

ME: "I had a dream that made me piss some funky assed white shit all over me and it felt good as hell."

GUYS: "Our moms told us we can't play with you anymore."

So anyway...lonely German night. I had a Creem magazine that I was reading. It sounds dirty, but it wasn't...Creem was a rock and roll magazine, pretty prominent in the 70s.

In this magazine (which I still have 25 years later, boxed up somewhere) there were two pictures that changed my life forever. One was a picture of a cute young thing, pulling down her pants to expose her butt with a KISS tattoo on it. Very small tattoo of the band's logo. Nothing garish like women have today....Gene Simmons head tattooed on their ass cheek, using their crack as his tongue.

The other picture was of a disgusting old drunk woman with an eye patch and a hook for an arm. It was from some movie whose name escapes me. This woman had one wrinkled breast hanging out of her dress.

We had tit. And we had ass. Houston, we have liftoff.

I knew this much...when I had a wet dream earlier, I had an erection. I normally only got erections in the morning when I had to pee and at school when the teacher would call on me to go to the blackboard. Other than that, lil' Bobby was flaccid most of the time.

So I had to get an erection first.

I stared long and hard at the picture of the cute girl's ass.


I figured maybe I would give lil' Bobby a hand. I had no idea how to make it erect, so I started experimenting.

I twisted. I turned. I flipped. I slapped.


Finally, I tugged.

A-ha. Tugging. Tugging is good.

I tugged a little more and lil' Bobby sprung to life. This was good. This was a start. This is what I needed for my experiment.

I flipped back to the drunk woman's tit. I began tugging faster. This tugging thing was working like a charm. The more I tugged, the more I grew and the harder my erection became.

I was on to something here.

And if I managed to look at the pictures and concentrate on nude women, then closed my eyes while I tugged, I could almost recreate the dream where the naked woman was on top of my dresser.

Fuck Einstein. I was on the verge of becoming the most ingenius man to ever step foot on earth and I was only 13. I was about to discover something that could bring every man to his knees if I could just....just....just.....

I felt the wet dream feeling coming on. It felt like my stiffie was about to explode again. I was giddy with anticipation of the feeling I was about to experience but I was also trying to remember every single detail so I could write it down and share it with the world.

The wet dream feeling happened.

Stronger and better than the wet dreams themselves.

Because I was in control.

Instantly, my innie was filled up with semen. Which, as you quickly learn, you don't want. There's nothing harder to get out of your belly button than semen and if you don't get it out and it mildews in there...Ummmmm...well just ask someone who's had it happen. That's one thing I WON'T discuss in here.

After filling the belly button to the brim, lil' Bobby began spewing every which way. Sheets, pillowcases, chin, chest, thighs, groin ....soaked baby.

As much fun as it had been, I was in no mood to call room service and have them send a German maid up to change my sheets. I just wanted to smoke.

After about 15 minutes, I tried it again. Just to make sure I had got it right the first time.

I had. It wasn't as spectacular. But I had mastered the technique. For added effect, I cupped my balls with my left hand during the spewing part. In my warped mind, that made me produce more semen (It doesn't).

For the next three months, I spilled more seed in that hotel room than Johnny Appleseed. I was lucky enough to get my hands on a copy of Hit Parader with a photo of Linda McCartney in a see-through top inside.

...Which may now explain why I cried like a baby when Linda McCartney died ...

So that was my first experimentation with masturbation. I wrote it all down.

And now I'm sharing it with the world.


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