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5:27 a.m. - 2001-07-13



Yesterday was kinda sorta a boring day.

Shall we recap anyway?

I mean...I have nothing else to really talk about here. I have no opinions on current events (although I had a dream just as I was waking up that Coca-Cola and potato chips were being taken off the market for being full of cancer-causing agents and that people should under no circumstances partake in either...while both are valuable commodities in my diet and I was soooo upset in my dream), and I sure as hell don't feel like doing another one of those surveys and posting it here rather than the usual dribble that I post.'s a recap of my boring day for you guys. Tough titty if you want something else.

Yesterday morning, as I was trying to leave for work, my Mother in Law was watching her usual Fox News Channel.

"Have you heard about this boy whose arm got chewed off by a shark," she asked.

"No Grandma," I wanted to say. "I've been too busy trying to dislodge my head out of my ass for the past week. Of course I've heard about Shark Boy, you moron."

Instead, I said "Yes".

She goes on a long rant about how the government needs to clean up those beaches and get rid of all the sharks because it's the beaches that draws tourists in and without tourism money, those beach towns are just going to erode away, blah blah blah.

Basically, she just reiterates whatever she just heard on talk radio on her way over to the house because she doesn't have a brain of her own and lets the paranoid bastards of talk radio tell her what to think, breathe and do.

I kept looking at my watch and waiting for her to take a breath so I could say "I'm late for work, Granny. Howsa 'bout you shut the hell up so I won't get fired on my fourth day?"

She finally shut up, I didn't add any fuel to her verbal fire and hauled ass out the door.

I stopped and bought a copy of my former job's newspaper to see how they fared without me. They actually did okay...there were a few glaring mistakes and the paper was definitely the ugliest that it ever had been. Drunk-Assed Boss musta REALLY tied one on early Tuesday afternoon, because there were quite a few little things that aren't detected by the untrained eye, but jumped right out at me.

Got to work and spent all morning working on two chapters of the Montgomery book that need to go to press today. I had promised my evil boss Wendi that I'd have them to her by Thursday at lunch. She pulled her whip out of her drawer, stared at me coldly in the eyes and said "You'll have them to me WHEN??" And I stuttered and sputtered a bit before finally saying "I mean...11:30, Wendi. I swear...I'll have them to ya by 11:30."

She put the whip back in her drawer and smiled that evil smile of hers that lets me know...she's the boss.

So those done. Then went over to see if she wanted to go to lunch, because even though she's evil, she's still fun to go to lunch with.

She had already gone to lunch.

So I go over to Edweird's office to see if he wants to go.

He was gone too.

Folks...I don't need to have it spelled out for me...they had gone to lunch together and didn't invite me.

A tear rolled down my chubby little cheek as I stood there and let it all hit me emotionally.

I began looking at the ceiling and turning around in circles like Sally Field in a bad Lifetime TV movie, wondering what I must have done to deserve the cold shoulder lunch treatment already.

I stormed out the employee entrance to the building, got behind the wheel of my car and pounded the horn in bitter defiance.


All the while, pounding the horn so it sounded like a really lame SOS signal.

I drove to Barnes and Noble, trying to find the latest copy of a local magazine that had my photo in it from when I ran for Biggest Rat.

They were sold out and attributed it to my photo being in the magazine. Because even though sex sells, photos of me in a magazine comes in at a close second.


After security forced me from the store, I walked next door to Office Max to buy a personal organizer because I had arranged an interview with Sony Disc Manufacturing in Oregon and by God...I needed an organizer to remind me of the appointment.

Did that. Stopped by Blimpie and bought a pastrami sandwich which blew worse than a toothless woman in a cracker eating and whistle contest.

...Sorry...couldn't think of much that blow really bad...

Got back to the office, carrying my sandwich and trying to look as pitiful as possible so that when I walked past Wendi and Edweird, they'd both feel bad as hell about abandoning me.

They weren't even back from lunch yet.


They not only went to lunch without me, but were taking an extended lunch!!!

My rage seethed. I went to my office, sat down, violently tearing into my sandwich, throwing most of it away, and began sweeping crumbs from my desk when Edweird walked in.

"Hey, I didn't know you would be here," he said.

"Of course I'm here," I sniffed. "Nobody asked me to lunch today."

Edweird then explained that he had gone to the mall to pick up Gran Turismo 3 (I think it's a shampoo or something), because Wendi was already gone and he thought I had gone to lunch with our evil boss.

I felt better immediately when he told me this, although I let him know that he coulda asked me to go to the mall with him.

An hour later, evil boss and long lunch-taking Wendi came in and explained she had gone to lunch with her sister who has a motion sickness problem and apparently she stood up too fast in the restaurant and began vomiting to and fro in the restaurant.

...Or something like that. I wasn't really listening. I was just thanking Jesus that my worse fears (them going to lunch without inviting me) weren't true.


So then Evil Boss Wendi gives me BACK the two chapters I re-wrote that morning with a few changes. I was glad to do the changes because it sure beat staring at the walls for another three hours and plus, even though she's evil, she's still cool.

So I did the rewrites and then participated in my first weekly editorial meeting which was about as much fun as repeatedly shooting yourself in the groin with a pistol.

I haven't got enough on my plate to really contribute to the meeting as everyone else does. The rest of them had all kindsa projects that they've been working on and stressing over.

My biggest stress all week was wondering why my phone hadn't rung. The mystery was solved when the Chief Operating Officer (COO) came in my office and turned the volume up on my ringer.

Yeah...I bet HE'S tickled shitless that they hired me...

So anyway, during the meeting, one of my editors said she had a few things for me to do today for a book on San Jose. I said that was great because the only thing I have lined up so far was an interview on the 26th.

This perked the COO's ears up as he began to think of a whole slew of shit work I could be doing. Like vacuuming and dusting and shit.

Me and my big mouth. What I meant was, I'm open for anything except for the morning of the 26th.

Anything that involves WRITING. I don't wanna have to put on a hard hat, crawl into the ceilings and begin cleaning up mouse turds to earn my paycheck until then.

The meeting lasted about an hour, I went back to my desk, finished the chapter rewrites and then headed to church.

I was scheduled to feed the kids at church who were there participating in Vacation Bible School. Or as I like to call it "Viciously Boring School". I popped some chicken nuggets and tater tots into the oven, had an old lady slice up apples and cheese, threw it all on paper plates, popped some microwave popcorn, shoved that in their faces and left.

Came home, watched some telly, passed out in my recliner.

Had the horrible Coke and Chips dream.

And came here.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


I think I'm going to be cleaning out the "Army" this weekend as well, checking every diary in the list to make sure that they're valid diaries and are being updated. This means, if you have your diary Password protected this weekend, more than likely I will be removing it from the list. Nothing personal...I just want valid links that everyone can enjoy. And if you haven't updated your diary in two months or more, your diary's being tossed out as well.

Like I say ... nothing personal. But the list is way too long to have a bunch of either dead diaries or links to diaries that people can't get into. So if ya wanna stay in the Army, either take your passwords off or update that beeyotch if you haven't in the last two months.

Email me if you have a problem with this.

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