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10:01:44 - 2001-03-14


First off, before you do ANYTHING ... you MUST check out THE LATEST PICTURES of my baby boy, my pride and joy, the most beautiful baby in the world ... Andrew.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

Seriously. I'm not typing in another word until you go and look at THE FIRST NINE PICTURES and then come back to tell me just how damned good looking my baby is.

Did you go??


He's looking more and more like his Mommy than me, which is cool, just as long as he keeps breathing.

Those nine photos are the ones we're happiest with. There's a bunch more, but we liked those the most.

Y'all ... I just love this kid so much. Your life really does change after you've had a baby. He is definitely worth every day of the 12-year wait.

...I just wonder if he's ever going to grow any hair...

Oh yeah...the lady in the pics? That's Mrs. Uncle Bob. She hates picture #6, because she looks deranged. But Andy looks great in that pic, so I included it.

FYI and all that.

Well ... today's the day that the dreaded knee humping nephews from Texas schlep into town.

Am I frightened?? Nahhhh.

I think they've all grown past the age where they're going to latch onto my leg and dry hump me like a horny dog.

I hope they are, anyway...

Susie SWEARS they're only in town for one night. Something tells me that during this evening, her sister will want to stay behind while the rest go up to North Alabama and visit Grandpa and then swing back on Sunday and pick her up.

This family has NEVER just spent one night here. It's always been closer to a week and they've always broken AT LEAST one thing while they're here.

They broke a window in my car a few years back. That was over $200.

They broke a VCR which was still under warranty so I got that fixed free of charge.

They tore the molding around my front door last summer that I have yet to replace because I'm lazy and don't know what I'm doing.

Ummmm...I KNOW they've destroyed more of my property over the years, but I just can't remember what right now.

This time, the Dad is coming with them. The father of these children.

He's a lot like me in that he HATES his in-laws, which are the same in-laws as me.

He NEVER comes to town with the family. When he does come to Alabama, he goes and visits his dad in North Alabama and doesn't come near us.

I don't blame him. I live in the same town as these people and before Andy was born, I saw them MAYBE four times a year.

I like the guy alright for a brother-in-law. But I haven't seen him since 1989. That should tell you how much he hates this side of the family.

He and I got drunk in a hotel room after Susie's grandmother died in 1989 while the rest of the family was at Grandma's house, sorting through all her trash.

He told me some stories about Susie's family that blew me away. We laughed and had a great time. I think if everyone else was filtered out of the equation, he and I would get along great.

Except he's high strung and has a helluva temper. That's the one reason I don't like him around. He's CONSTANTLY yelling at his boys...CONSTANTLY. They walk on eggshells around him, which is good in the respect that when he's around, they don't act up as much. Or didn't 11 years ago.

But I'm not a yeller and neither is Susie. And when he comes in our house, yelling constantly, it really gets on our nerves. When Susie calls her sister, she hears him yelling over and over in the background.

I guess I dread that the most today.

I musta slept wrong, because my neck hurts like a bitch.

Luckily ... today's the day I get a 20-minute electro-magnetic massages at work free of charge.

Couldn't have happened at a better time, really. But right now, it's killin' me.

Had a cute little baby accident last night.

I was sitting down, a pair of boxers and a t-shirt with Andy on my lap.

We're playin', chillin', takin' it easy. All of a sudden, my crotch gets kinda warm.

So I think Andy's gone pee and filled his diaper up.


Andy has pooped. And the poop has seeped out of his diaper. And the poop has gone from his diaper, down his leg, and all inside the one opening in my boxers that isn't protected by buttons.

I don't know this. I just think my crotch is warm from his body heat.

I get up to go change his diaper and crotch is like ... soaked with his shit.

I change his diaper then go to inspect myself.

Can you say ... "Ewwwww"??

See...Andy's still a baby...still his poop is green for the most part.

And...just in time for Saint Patrick's was my pecker.

I jumped into the shower and scrubbed my willie like it'd give me an orgasm.

It didn't.

But man...that was gross.

Speaking of orgasms...I tried something new with Andy last night.


I took one of Susie's silk scarves, and while he sat in his swing, I slowly pulled the scarf up over his face very lightly.

His whole body shook every time I did it. Once the scarf was off his face, he had the biggest grin and would make noises that told me to "Do it again, Daddy!"

So I musta done that for 20 minutes...rubbing a silk scarf in his face.

It was so cute. His arms would shake uncontrollably and his legs would kick like crazy. He loved the feel of the silk against his face and chest.


He's such a trip.

Man ... as you can day was kinda boring yesterday.

And since I have so much to do this a.m. including taking the human shit machine to day care, I'd better end this now.

Take care...I'll have a full report of the dangers of a houseload of in-laws for ya tomorrow.


ALAN PARSONS: "Old and Wise"

Okay...this one's really mellow...bordering on really sappy ... but it reminds me of past lovers, and it will you too. It's basically a song about death and reminiscing. Maybe not. Hell, I don't know what the song's's just a pretty little tune. Check it out.


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