I LIKE MY THOUGHTS LIKE I LIKE MY EGGS...SCRAMBLED

I am missing me some Annie Nygma these days. I hate it when she goes on vacation, but then she's always got some interesting tourist stories to tell when she gets back that usually involve drunken idiots and fireworks or some shit like that.

I got a fortune out of a fortune cookie the other day that says "You and your wife will be happy in your life together."

I've taped it to my computer monitor in case I ever forget that shit. I can just look at it and go..."We WILL be happy in our life together...SOMEDAY."

Just kidding...just kidding.

I had a cool, yet disturbing dream last night.

Ever dream that you're just this MASSIVE stud(dette) and everyone wants to have sex with you?

Okay...I had one of those dreams this morning.

Except these gals were ex-girlfriends. And they were all there at once.

And it got kinda ugly.

There was a catfight or two over the personal usage of my penile instrument.

In the end, I didn't get laid at all, but I saw one particularly foxy ex-gal pal in a shower. She looked just like I remembered her.

I was all like "Wanna have sex?"

And she was all like "No. I'm trying to shower."

And that was the end of that.

Except now I wish she'd show up on my doorstep and ask to use my shower. And I wish my wife would go to the mall while she's showering. And I wish that while she was showering,she'd ask me to loofah her back. And while I'm loofahing, she turns around and hugs me and kisses me and ....

...How obvious is it that I haven't been laid in a while?

I am sooooo glad it's Saturday.

I have GOT to get the yard mowed sometime this weekend. I absolutely HATE mowing the yard. My backyard is one big hill and even though I have a self-propelled lawn mower, I STILL have to exert some effort to push it up the hill.

"Well, gee Uncle Bob...why don't you buy a riding lawn mower?"

"Well, gee teenage dumbass...riding lawn mowers are like $1,500. I only spend THAT kinda money on computers, camcorders and car repairs."

Christ.

When are you going to let up, teenage dumbass??

I was EXHAUSTED last night.

I came home from work, Grandma and my niece were here with Andy.

Grandma asked how the funerals went and I told her Brad's was very tear-jerking.

She then went on a ten minute rant about why the mentally ill should NOT be medicated because that fucks them up even more.

It's like having Dennis Miller for a mother-in-law except she's never said one funny thing in her life. All she does is go off on rants. But at least her beard is thicker than his.

And really...listening to her bitch about the government loading up the mentally ill with mind-altering drugs was the LAST THING I wanted to listen to after burying a friend that day.

But...being the good son-in-law I am, I sat there, stared at her and pretended to listen.

Usually on Friday nights we go out to eat somewhere. But I couldn't hardly move, so we ate leftovers.

I laid down on the floor at 8:00 to let Andy crawl all over me and slap my belly.

I was asleep by 8:02. For some reason, Andy's tiny little hands were almost giving a massage to me.

He's starting to "understand" the word "Dada". When I say it, he smiles and looks at me.

I just wish the lil' bastard would say it himself. Then I'd be one proud papa.

Then again, there's no turning back at that moment. You've got to listen to him blabber on and on for another 17 years before you can sign him up for the Army.

...And I ain't talkin' about my Army either.

There's not much else to report to you guys. I was so tired last night and fell asleep so early that nothing happened since the last update.

Did you even REEEAD the last update?

...Just making sure.

I wanna do something fun today.

Which usually includes spending money.

We'll see what kinda trouble I can get into today and I'll report it tomorrow.

Pwomise.