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6:31 a.m. - 2001-04-14


I love Saturdays.

I get up when I wanna get up ... I update this when I wanna update this ... the boy sleeps in ... the wife sleeps in ... etc.

Love 'em.

So...remember yesterday when I said that the guy at the tanning salon was a rude bitch who told me to come back the next day at 9 a.m., thinking I wouldn't??

Well, I did.

And the tanned bastard met me at the door.

He listened to me. Listened to my plight of wanting to win the Biggest Rat in Town contest.

And he donated.

Yep...He gave me 450 minutes of tanning and an expensive bottle of lotion to put in my silent auction.

I was shocked.


I mean...that's almost eight hours worth of tanning.

In's 7.5 hours!!!

AND ... he was nice about it!

I hugged him on the way out. Probably inappropriate between two male strangers, but I was just so damned happy I didn't have to kick his scrawny ass.

Now ... the irony.

Those tanning beds have been known to cause cancer.

I'm auctioning it off for cancer research.

I hope nobody else points out the irony at the silent auction.

Had a busy day yesterday with suck-assed results. That's three days in a row.

Started at the tanning place (YAY!!)

Went to Goodwill to pick up some vintage clothes for my gangster "hit" night.

Libby, the Goodwill manager, gave me two HIDEOUS polyester pimp suits from 1972.

One is bright orange, comes with vest, tie, shirt, coat and pants. The coat's wide collar matches the's scenery from Paris or something. Just hideous.

Then a bright yellow pimp coat with white slacks with yellow buttons and trim.

They're dog ugly.

I managed to get a flapper dress for my associate publisher who's on cloud nine because she gets to walk around the house for two weeks, naked except for a flapper dress.

That's only funny to those who know her. Sorry. You probably don't know her.

Got some cool hats and ties too, so we're in business for Hit Night.

I got a serving buffet from the local big time jewelry shop.

I was a little ticked. It's a jewelry shop with all kindsa fine furnishings and jewelry.

She gives me a hunk of wood to put plates on.

Thanks lady. A hunk of wood will go over great at the auction!

...rabble scrabble lady...

I got a dinner for two at Tony Roma's.

The rest of the day was a bust. More of those "Come back on Monday, the owner will be in then."

I've got a better idea. How about you eat my ass on a Friday, the owner of my ass is right here.

There's a real good chance though that I will be getting some help from Toys "R" Us. The big manager wasn't in, but the little manager said they're allotted a lot of leeway for charities.


I wanna get a Play Station 2 to auction off. Or some kinda decent shopping spree. One or the other.

I'm not picky in that department.

I just choked on a Reduced Fat Triscuit.

Them fuckers be DEADLY!

Can you imagine the obituary? "Fat Guy Chokes To Death On Triscuit...Biggest Rat Campaign Called Off"

Yeah right.

Like they'd cancel that campaign over my fat ass.

Drunk assed Jamie and I went to Tony Roma's for lunch which is how we got the gift certificates.

Our waitress was a cutie named Stacey, just bubbling with personality.

We talked to her for quite a bit. I could tell she wasn't from here (she had an inkling of intelligence) and she admitted she was from Minnesota.

"What brings you down here," I asked.

She looked all sheepish.

"I fell in love over the Internet," she said.

Apparently, she had talked to a guy for over a year, fell in love with him and decided to pack everything up to move down here and be with him.

Well guess what, my little Internet friends?!?

He WASN'T what he said he was.

She didn't go into detail, but said it was a big disappointment. So now she's stuck down here. She likes the fact that she's near the beaches and loves the weather (no snow, rarely freezing temps). And she doesn't have a boyfriend right now, she lived with the guy for about a month before she realized he was a loser MASQUERADING as a cool dude on the 'net.

Sooooo...for all of you who have fallen in love over the 'net with someone on the other side of the country ... BEWARE!! He or she may not be as great as they paint themselves to be.

I told Stacey that people like to show off their positive side on the 'net and not focus on all the negative stuff.

Although...I'm UNCLE BOB. I'm as great as I say I am. Hell...I'm better than I say I am. I'm the best damned man on the Internet.


You betcha.

Went back to the Olive Garden and the troll was there.

I walked right past her wart-infested ass and went straight to another girl, asking to see the manager.

The manager FINALLY came out, listened to what I said and told me he'd love to help me but doesn't have the authority ... he'll have to run it by his general manager.

HOWEVER...his wife has terminal cancer and his daughter has cancer as well.

THAT threw me for a loop. I was like "Oh, man...I'm so sorry."

And I was. That was the first time that's happened to me, coming across someone whose life has been so dramatically affected by cancer.

It made me appreciate what I have and made me work a bit harder throughout the day to try and help this guy and his family out.

A lady from the American Cancer Society dropped by the office late yesterday to drop off some ads for the Biggest Rat.

She said that around the office THEY have picked me as the front runner to win this thing.

I was shocked. I don't think I'll win. Sure...stranger things have happened. But I just don't see it working in my favor.

We'll see.

And with that ... I'm gone. Take care, peeps. See ya on the flipside.

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