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5:30 p.m. - Saturday, December 2nd


A'ight...a rare "evening" visit from Uncle Bob.

I meant to update this thing this morning like I always do ... but ya know what??

I didn't.

I was writing something else early this morning, and just as I finished it, my computer crashed. I was super duper hooper blooper pissed about it, so I rewrote the damned thing which basically took an hour which was the hour I had set aside for Uncle Bob.

Is this making sense??

As usual...I'm exhausted. Been a long two goes:


Today's Andy's one month birthday. From what I understand, he's gonna get an extra squirt of milk later on as a present, and possibly a clean diaper.

We took him to the doctor yesterday for his one month check-up. He now weighs 10 lbs exactly, grew an inch (amazingly ... all penis ... thankyouverymuch), and is in the top 90 percentile for head circumfrence which means something, but I have no idea what.

He's got a huge brain?

A huge skull??

He's a waterhead???


The doctor said that was good. I'm going to take it for granted that it was good.

I noticed today that Andy is so polite when it comes to passing gas. At home, he sounds like a Japanese Sumo Wrestling match. In public, he holds back and just lets it kinda "peep" out.

So anyway...

Susie, Andy and I took my sister in law to Birmingham this afternoon to fly back to Texas. It's about a 90 minute drive one way.

Her flight took off at 1:15.

Andy would need to be fed before we left Birmingham so we'd have to sit in the parking garage for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour while she nursed.

And I really wanted to be home by 3:30 to watch the SEC Championship game.

...College Football... the math ... I figured we'd get home at 3:22 p.m.

We got home at 3:21.

I rock.


So like anyway...

I've noticed one thing about kids ... as long as you plan out your schedule ahead of time ... very little has to change.

Today ... I knew we had to be on the road at 10:15 to get to the airport by 12:15, an hour ahead of time (by the way...thank you Eric Randall Rudolph Ramsey fucker for bombing the Atlanta Olympics a few years back, you slick bastard. Now we all have to show up at airports at LEAST an hour earlier thanks to your insane ass. Asshole.).

Which meant ... Susie had to begin feeding between 9:15 and 9:30.

Which meant she had to be in the shower by 8:30.

Which meant she had to get up about 5 a.m., feed the boy for an hour, sleep til 8:00, blah blah blah blah blah...

Have I REALLY gotten as boring as I feel??


Auburn's getting their asses kicked over my shoulder on ABC by Florida.

I'm really not a big sports fan at all ... but I love SEC College Football.

...Okay ... I'm SURE I've told you guys that already ... I truly have become as boring as I thought I was.

Eet weel pass, my friend.


We said goodbye to Sandy, and, as is customary with Susie, she cried for about 30 minutes afterward.

Susie actually nursed Andy RIGHT THERE IN THE AIRPORT. We were kinda off to the side and nobody seemed to be looking. And it's not like Suze whipped the tit out, flopped it in some businessman's face and then jammed it in Andy's mouth.

She had a blanket over her shoulder and him.

I think secretly Susie WANTED to do a public breast feeding. I think she thinks she's cool now ... I dunno. She was beaming while she did it and kept asking if she was embarrassing me.

I told her no. And I wasn't embarrassed.

I just pretended in my head that I was her brother, not her husband and she was the black sheep of the family.

He only nursed on one side ... they're s'posed to try and nurse on both sides so that the boobies don't get all lopsided and shit. But sometimes the little trooper just passes out cold and can't finish the job.

I know how he feels. I have the same problem. That's one of the reason it took us 12 years to have a kid. My ass would be passed out five minutes into Le Grind.

So we left the airport quickly and got on the interstate home.

About two-thirds of the way home, Andy begins to express in that crazy little language I call "Andyology" that he was hungry. Damned hungry. He could eat a fucking Volvo right now, this little shit is so hungry.

Susie suggests we stop at a Stuckey's so she can feed him.

You never really dawned on me that we'd have to STOP the car to feed this kid. It's against the law to take him out of his car seat to feed him while the car is in motion.

So we pull over at Stuckeys. It's 2:02 p.m. She starts feeding.

Susie...ummmmm...she likes to throw lots of little "extras" into her feedings. She has to nuzzle noses with the baby. Kiss his forehead ten times. Suck his toes and bite his toenails off and spit them back at him.

That took 30 minutes. I haven't sat in a Stuckey's parking lot for 30 minutes since my first blow job 20 years ago.

Talk about boring. I memorized trash in the grass next to the parking lot.

And now I'm here.

Watching Auburn lose miserably.

That's muh day in a nutshell.

I'm probably going to take tomorrow off from here. Maybe not. I might start updating in the afternoon rather than the morning. Hell ... I dunno.

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Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

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That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

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