AND THE MAYOR WANTS TO BREAK MY LEGS

Sooooo...how dumb AM I??

Remember yesterday how I told you I accidently shook a politician's hand who almost broke my arm again??

I shook his hand AGAIN yesterday.

Two days in a row...same politician...we both shake hands again ... he grips...I scream ... he apologizes AGAIN ... and I'm like..."AND YOU WANT TO BE GOVERNOR SOME DAY?!?!"

...Bastard hasn't got MY vote...

(Bob rubs his elbow soothingly)

So yesterday I got some backstage passes for this River Jam deal that the city is having next weekend.

Susie and I were thinking about not going. I knew I'd have tickets for it, but I didn't know I'd have backstage passes offered to me.

The artists are all either blues or jazz or ska or ...well ... whatever you'd consider Col. Bruce Hampton to be.

Is Col. Bruce big outside of Alabama?? I've never known for sure. He's kinda like Phish and Grateful Dead ... lotta long boring jams.

That's right...I just insinuated the Dead play long and boring jams.

My apologies to the hippies.

Oh...as long as I'm apologizing ... lemme apologize to the masterminds behind fake diaries.

I guess I was a little rough on them the other day and I'm sorry for being that way.

The fact is ... they're just cropping up everywhere lately. But if you have the talent to make your fake diary bigger and better than everyone else's ... God bless ya and more power to you.

I just don't want to sound like I'm judging those diaries or bad-mouthing them. The fact that you're writing ANYTHING should be encouraging. I've always tried to say that nobody's writing in Diaryland should be judged, because it's stuff that comes from our hearts. Or in the case of fake diaries ... stuff from our minds.

Freedom of speech, baby. Go for it.

Okay ... where was I ...

Oh yeah...backstage passes. So anyway ... these passes allow us seats on the sides of the stages behind the speakers. So Susie can sit down and watch the shows in a comfortable area. Plus, we get into the V.I.P. tent where there's food and drink.

Soooooo...I'll probably be taking advantage of those next weekend.

That is ... if I don't get a call to be in that silent movie about Rosa Parks on the same day.

Which...let's be honest ... if I haven't heard by now, I'm not GOING to hear from them.

*sigh*

My dreams of being a mute Hollywood superstar are slowly fading.

***************************************

Susie's first baby shower took place at work yesterday.

She got a pretty big booty worth of gifts. Lotsa clothes (boring...but necessary), a big Pooh Lamp, a bank, a bear that makes womb-like sounds, blankets for the kid to drag around for years ...lotsa stuff really.

I'm glad men don't have to have baby showers. There's no way in hell I could act excited about rattles and rectal thermometers.

"OH MY GOD!! IT'S THE ASSOMETER THAT WE WANTED!!! LOOK EVERYONE...IT HAS POOH'S HEAD ON THE TIP SO WHEN WE STICK IT IN THE BABY'S ASS, POOH IS PEEKING OUT!!"

No thanks.

*******************************************

Signed a few review pages on The Analyzer yesterday at work because I was bored stiff and didn't have anything to do.

....And in the process, I may have hurt a few feelings along the way...

Kids ... if I signed your review page, I was just trying to be witty...not hurtful.

And I'm sorry ... but what I wrote on Lanie's page just cracked my shit up.

No offense against yer ass, Lanie. You have a great ass. I was just trying to be funny and quite frankly, I almost fell out of my chair laughing at it.

****************************************

I read somewhere a while back that somebody really liked my page but I was constantly having to apologize for stuff that I wrote and they didn't think I should have to do that.

I apologize to that person for offending them.

*****************************************

My baby sister Kristi called me last night.

Christ...she's 31 years old. I guess I can quit calling her my "Baby" sister any day now.

Anyway ... we were talking about Napster a few weeks ago and how I burn CDs from it.

She was intrigued while we talked, but didn't seem that interested in the subject.

Last night she called and was positively giddy.

"Can you still get songs from the world wide internet," she asked.

(She's not that computer literate, but she's a smart gal)

"Yeah," I said, chewing a mouthful of kielbasa.

"Okay, I've got some songs I wanted you to see if you could find."

She then prattled off about 50 song titles ... many of them not the real titles but what SHE thought they should be called.

Like that song by REM ... "Sometime".

"Sometime"???

"You know...'Everybody hurrrrrts....Sometime'."

"Ahhhhh....THAT 'Sometime'."

Of course...she being a Napster skeptic ... she's CONVINCED there's no WAY I can get some of these songs that she gave me.

...I retrieved every single one of them last night.

Right now, I'm burning her second CD ... the "Love Songs" CD.

Last night was the 80's CD.

She's so lucky to have a cool big brother.

I swear.

*************************************

My other sister Julie called me last night too.

She's the middle one. I'm the oldest...two younger sisters.

Julie is going to write a children's book and wants me to illustrate it.

The irony here is ... a month ago, I was the one wanting to write a children's book and asking y'all's help in finding an illustrator.

Ironic...yes??

Anyway...she told me the basic premise about her book. It would be ALL ABOUT HERSELF.

(This is the self-absorbed sister of the two, in case you didn't figure it out)

Actually ... Julie was a hellion as a child. Always getting into trouble.

So she thought she'd write about those adventures in books aimed at kids aged 5-10.

The time she got stuck in a crowded elevator in Brussels, Belgium.

The time she got locked into a restroom at a bowling alley.

The time she found a dead guy in a garage (a friend's grandfather who had passed away while working on a car)

The time she went out with Greg Kinnear (they were in junior high together)

The time she got knocked up at 18, married her high school sweetheart and then divorced him five years later.

The time when she first smoked pot at age 25.

Et cetera.

Apparently, she entertains her 5 year-old son for hours with these stories, so she thought she'd try getting them published.

I told her about my plans for the Hooberry Blueberry Zoo books and, naturally, she thought her books were better.

I quickly asked her how many kids did she think would buy "Julie Sleeping Bags" and "Julie Bed Sheets".

She said she wasn't interested in the marketing aspect of it. She was doing it to entertain the kids.

So I told her that was fine. I'd live in a mansion, surrounded by stuffed Hooberry Blueberry animals and coffee mugs and bumperstickers while she toiled over a hot typewriter, writing her latest 30-year-old adventures in a shack.

Actually ... she sounds more geared up for the whole thing than I do. I've got too many other items on my plate right now and don't have the time to start seriously thinking about writing kid's books.

As I said...more power to her.

*************************************

I've got a big media bash to go to tonight ... free food and drinks all night long...a multi-millionaire is throwing it ... I'll tell you more about that tomorrow.

Smooches.

QUESTION OF THE DAY

What Was Your Favorite Book As A Child?

**************************************