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5:35 a.m. - 2002-05-14

DOG DAY AFTERNOON

Do you know how sometimes you just want to take the family pet and slowly insert bricks into its ass until it bursts?

That's where I'm at with my dog.

Since we've put the house on the market, we've been locking the dog outside during the day while we're at work.

So yesterday, the dog's bored.

Bored, bored, bored.

Hmmmmm...what should the dog do to relieve her boredom?

Oh!

Here's an idea!

Let's totally demolish the back door! The one with the doggie door in it that won't let her in the house! That will give us something to do!

So now, we need to buy a new door. Even if we weren't selling the house, we'd have to buy a new door, because this one now has a giant gaping hole in it and she's pulled and cracked most of the wood on the bottom of it away.

I came home from work yesterday afternoon and the dog's sleeping peacefully by the front window.

I thought to myself "Did I forget to lock her outside?"

Nope.


Yesterday morning, I had to take the same dog to the vet to get a stitch taken out of her eyelid after her surgery a few weeks ago.

They asked if I wanted to leave her there or "stay with her" while she got her stitch out.

One stitch. It'd probably take 20 seconds to remove. As much as the dog hates the vet's office, I decided to stay with her. It was 7:45 and I didn't have to be at work until 8:30.

Plenty of time.

8:00.

Girl walks into the waiting room and wants to weigh the dog.

She was just in here on May 1st. I doubt seriously her weight has fluctuated much.

Still wants to weigh her.

Fine.

8:05. Still no doctor.

I'm antsy. It will take me ten minutes to get the dog home and in the back yard then 15 minutes to get to work. If the stitch was taken out RIGHT NOW I'd be on time for work.

No doctor.

So I called work and left a message with the secretary. Running late...dog's getting stitch out. Be there by 8:40 at the latest.

8:15.

Doctor waltzes in after making me sit in a waiting room with a whining dog who thinks she's either going to an electric chair or the room where they shove bricks up her ass until her ribcage bursts open.

Doctor looks at her eye.

Doctor grabs his scissors.

Doctor looks at her eye again.

Doctor wants to take her back to his operating room "to get a better look at this stitch".

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

Fine doc. I've got negative 30 seconds for you to cut this stitch out.

They leave the room.

I hear the doctor paged three times. Twice to go up front and talk to other pet owners, once to answer the phone to talk to his wife.

I'm all steamy. Like I was in a sauna, but without the sweat and the half nakedness.

TEN MINUTES LATER.

The dog is ushered back into the waiting room and the doctor says "The stitch hasn't completely healed. Bring her back next Monday morning and we'll do this all over again."

Oh.

Well here, doc. I've got something better than that.

...MY ASS.

I'm cutting the stitch out myself with some toenail clippers.

Screw you guys...I'm going home.


I received a call yesterday from the lady at the Design Center for our house with all the costs of how much the "upgrades" we want done to our house will cost.

A keyless electronic keypad so that we can punch in numbers to get inside the house rather than use a key...$75.

We're getting that.

A better dishwasher...$50. We're getting that.

A thicker padding for the carpet throughout the house...$150. We're getting that.

Upgraded vinyl flooring with more padding for the kitchen and utility room...$275. We're getting that.

Now then....

Fancy lights throughout the house rather than the standard lights...$250. We're hesitant on that because we don't recall asking for fancy lighting and think Design Lady's trying to dupe us.

A whirlpool garden tub rather than a standard tub....$480. I want that. I'm desperately trying to tell Susie how great it would be to come home and get in the garden tub as jacuzzi streams massaged our muscles. I think she's 90% sold on that.

Then.

There's... THE SHOWER.

A five foot long sleek marble shower...built for seven bodies. Okay...maybe two.

A bench to sit on as you let the water cascade over your body.

...The water from dual shower heads...one on each end of the shower. Showering in stereo, baybee.

A clear glass door with gold plated frame and fixtures.

The sleekest, sexiest shower I've ever seen in my life and that includes movies and some television.

All at the low, low upgraded cost of $2,220.

I thought Susie would balk.

Susie said "that's not bad."

All total (my figures may be off here as I'm doing most of it by memory)...everything would be $3,490.

We figured we'd spend $10,000 on upgrades.

Is Big Daddy getting his marble shower and jacuzzi tub?

Me thinks so!!!

...Of course...this is all contingent on the fact that our stinkin' real estate agent ever decides that she can go one whole week without a vacation squeezed in there somewhere.

Damned bitch ass realtor.


Okay.

Here's the dealio.

Contrary to what I may have led you guys to believe...your old Uncle Bob truly has a soft spot in his heart for disadvantaged children.

I know I've made light in the past of their plight but the truth is...nothing brings a tear to my eye quicker than a child who won't be given the opportunity to grow up normal like his peers.

Even more heartbreaking are the children who may not be given a chance to grow up at all.

I've often told my wife that if I were to win the lottery and become filthy rich like that girl in Georgia a month or so ago, there would be no doubt in my mind that I would build a camp or even better an amusement park of sorts for handicapped and sick children, where they could come have fun and be with other children.

Everything would be free. I'm filthy rich. I'm going to foot the bill here. The parents of these kids have enough bills piling up without having to foot the bill to pay $50 apiece to come to my amusement park.

But enough about me.

Please, read this.

It won't take more than a minute of your time and maybe you'll be in a position to do something positive with that minute and help save a young child's life.

Thanks.

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