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4:00 p.m. - 2002-07-24

I'VE GOT GIMPY FEVER...AND IT'S CONTAGIOUS!

I've got a bone to pick with Mr. Food.

Or ... as he's known in my overactive imagination ... Mr. F'n Food.

Some of you may know who I'm talking about. This is a guy...late 50's...early 60's...somewhere in there...that local news stations put on to waste about 90 seconds during their news broadcasts.

Mr. Food always has a decent recipe to share. I can dig that, sucka. I'm all about the decent recipes.

What I don't like about this fruit loop is his signature line.

"Oooo...it's so GOOD!"

It's a fine signature line. I've heard many a porn star moan the line in homage to Mr. F'n Food in their movies.

But this geek ALWAYS just tosses the line into the middle of a sentence.

Today, he was making a grilled banana split. Yeah...it looked about as disgusting as it sounds.

So there he is, blab blab blabbing away about the grilled banana split.

"And you grill the bananas and then add ice cream and top it off with .... oooooo it's so GOOD!"

And then the segment is over.

So naturally, I'm screaming "DAMMIT, FOOD!!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU TOP THE DAMNED THING WITH?!?"

This really bugs the shit out of me. I know, I know...take some blood pressure medicine, Uncle Bob.

I can't help it. I've seen the guy do about a million recipes over the years...and he NEVER. FINISHES. HIS. SENTENCES.

It's like he's running out of time at the end of the segment and he HAS to get his catch phrase out there. Who cares if the entire recipe isn't given...MAKE SURE YOU GET THE CATCH PHRASE OUT.

Sooo...I'm taking it upon myself to start a personal letter campaign to Mr. F'n Food to let him know that I'm tired of his catch phrase and I want him to stop using it.

It's like ... he gets all horny as he's talking about the dish he's making. He starts talking really fast and he's getting more and more into it ... and then he's orgasming as he says his catch phrase.

I KNOW someone else here has seen the guy on TV and I KNOW you have to be just as frustrated as me with him.

Fair warning, Food Man...you're getting an email from Unkie Bob.

And oooooo...it won't be so good.


I think I've come up with the ultimate gimmick for a pro wrestler.

As we all know by now, two things that I devote way too much time to are coming up with alternative band names and gimmicks for professional wrestlers.

Mainly because in both fields...all of the good ones are taken.

So I have taken it upon myself to come up with new and innovative ideas for both situations.

Anyway...my idea for a pro wrestler's gimmick...

"Gimpy".

"Gimpy" could suffer from polio, since it's a disease that has been cured to the best of my knowledge, so it won't offend too many people. There's not too many people sitting out there watching wrestling with polio and saying "Hey! They're making fun of me!"

And if there are...damn man...get to a doctor, Gimpy. They've cured that shit.

So anyway...Gimpy comes out to the ring in either a wheelchair or those metal braces that polio victims used to wear on their arms.

And let's say that Gimpy weighs about 120 lbs. and his arms and legs are really spindly.

And all of his opponents feel bad that they have to wrestle Gimpy. But you know...that's how it is. You have to wrestle Gimpy in order to advance in the pro wrestling ranks.

So they're all like "Nahhhh...I can't hit Gimpy."

But ... and here's the catch...Gimpy goads them into it every time.

See...Gimpy cuts them down with verbal assaults. He slaps their ass around with his tongue.

He could say shit like "You're so fat, Undertaker...I bet you shit Twinkies!"

And then Undertaker can pick him up out of his wheelchair and start throwing him around like a rag doll.

Gimpy would lose every single match. Every one of them would end the same way...with some wrestler beating the holy crap outta Gimpy and leaving him a mass of twisted bones and flesh.

And then Gimpy gets a title shot because he swears he can beat the champion. Sure, he's lost every match in his career. But he feels he can take the champ.

So there's a main event on pay per view...Gimpy vs. the Champion.

They get to the main event...Gimpy wheels out...blah blah blah...

...Gimpy pulls out some numchucks and starts to try and whip them around like a numchuck professional.

Except...you know...he's Gimpy. He can barely twist them around once without dropping them.

The Champ picks Gimpy up out of his chair and tosses him into the audience.

Gimpy loses by countout.

But that's okay...because he's earned the crowd's respect for being the world's first handicapped wrestler.

White trash nationwide will be sobbing into their beers as they watch Gimpy come out each week and courageously get the crap beaten out of him.

This could work, I'm telling you.

We're looking at Gimpymania in 2003.

Mark my words ... the Gimpster will be on magazine covers and little kids will be watching his Saturday morning cartoon series.

He could change the way that people look at those who have been stricken with polio.

Eh.

Maybe not.

It was just a thought.

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