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5:30 a.m. - 2003-03-03

STONE COLD PIMPIN'

When was it that the phrase "I'm gay" went from primarily meaning "I'm happy" to "I'm homosexual"?

Was I asleep that day that Dan Rather reported on it? Because recently I have had to stop answering the question "How are you?" with "I'm happy and gay" and change it to a more simple "I'm happy" because I became fed up with everyone saying "His pooooor wife" behind my back.

Anyway...in case you're wondering ... I'm happy and gay today. But don't expect me to take one up the ass for the team anytime soon.

I mean ... I'll always leave my options open . Perhaps my prayers will be answered one day and Willie Aames will show up on my doorstep with a blanket and a picnic basket and I'll succumb to my unabashed teenage celebrity crush of the decade and catch his pitch once or twice in appreciation for his stellar performance as Tommy Bradford in one of television's very first Dramedies "Eight is Enough".

I mean ... nobody can predict the future ... right?


I spent Saturday at an all day evangelism seminar.

I won't bore you with the details but I did find out the secret to getting a much larger congregation at the church.

Force Them At Gunpoint. Or ...as the seminar lady said was a good way to remember it ... FTAG.

That's right ... on Sunday mornings, go to a neighbor's house, pull out either a shotgun or pistol ... it doesn't matter which. Train it on your neighbor's forehead and say "Get some clothes on. We're going to church."

Once you get to church, it's a good idea to keep your wits about you and keep a close eye on your neighbor. Most congregation members will hide their guns while inside the church, usually under a coat or in a purse, but keep them pointed in the direction of the neighbor. That way, if you hear your neighbor get up and tiptoe towards the door during the silent prayer, you merely need to pick the gun up and start shooting toward the door, while still remaining deep in prayer.

One suggestion from the lady was ... since we all live in the deep south, maybe we should consider changing our traditional church services to ... a country-western service.

Let people wear boots and ten-gallon hats and jeans with horse shit stains all over them and fire the choir and hire some local country band to play hymns in a country western style.

That kinda threw me for a loop. I wasn't expecting to hear this lady say "Drop everything that makes you a church and turn your church into a barnyard dance."

It was a pretty interesting seminar.


So ... Saturday night, Susie's at the computer and I'm in the recliner in our office ... formerly known as "My Office", but since she's gotten so wrapped up in her new at-home business, she's pretty much commandered the computer and office at night and during the day on weekends.

We're sitting there and long story short ... she clicked on this webpage.

More specifically, she zeroed in on my recent multi-award nominated entry A List Of Girls I Wished I'd Slept With.

Now, Susie never reads my stuff. Ever. And I'm completely cool about that.

She's always said that I have to put what I write in front of her in order for her to read it, and quite frankly, I got tired of lugging the hard drive, monitor, keyboard and mouse into the den as she laid there on the couch, eating bon bons and guzzling cheap champagne like it was cough syrup.

So now that she's off her six-year sabbatical on the sofa, she's taken over the computer and is reading a list I never thought she'd read.

I'm trying to be cool about it as I sit in the recliner in a cold sweat. I'm trying to think "Okay...how much of that list was completely made up and how much was for real?"

So I'm panicking and the phone rings and I get up to answer it and it's a telemarketer so I start walking around the kitchen in small circles, trying to think of anything to distract her away from the computer where she wouldn't be reading my list of chicks I'd slept with. For the love of God...let the house burst into flames or something. Just think of a way to get her away from the computer.

Finally ... after being in an evangelism seminar all day, I went the church route.

Honesty.

I walked back in the room and said "Hon...I love you. But you have no fucking idea how embarrassed I am right now."

She laughed and said the list was funny. But then she sat and tried to guess who some of the women were since names were changed to protect the innocent girls who made the mistake of trying to be my friend when I secretly lusted after them and ended up lumping them all together on a diary entry that expounded on why I wanted to bang uglies with them.

Anyway ... she was cool with the list. She knows where we stand today and isn't worried.

I'm a lucky guy. I truly am.

(Just in case she's reading this at work now).


Anyway ... Susie came up with a decent idea.

Since an awful lot of you out there are housewives, are there any of you out there looking for extra money and want to go into business for yourself?

I can only vouch for my wife ... but in her first month with her new at-home business, she brought home $500 and that was without trying or doing things the way they want you to do them. That was two friends that said they'd host a party and Susie carried a couple of baskets of home decorations over there and every woman in the house spent a good deal of money, with a decent percentage of that going straight into Susie's pocket. I can tell you ... an extra $500 last month sure did make it a lot easier to pay bills. It's not enough to quit your day job (at first), but if you're looking for a good amount of extra cash and are willing to put across a little effort, the sky's the limit. Susie went to a seminar a few weeks ago and met a woman who made $40,000 in two months. October and November of last year, she raked in $40,000 for herself.

Christ. I seriously sound like some guy on some paid programming infomercial.

But anyway ... yeah ... it's a relatively new company spun off of a very successful brand name (S0uthern L1ving At Home... Google it if you need to). Basically, anyone who starts working with the operation is getting in on the ground floor right now. It's not a scam, it's not a multi-level-marketing plan. We did a lot of research on the company and this gig is on the up and up.

So if you're looking for such an opportunity, but are wary of scams and such, I can assure you that this isn't a scam because I'm the one that deposits the money into the bank each Monday. With the economy in its current state, every penny helps and when you can pick and choose how much money you actually need, it's really a pretty cool gig. If you're the least bit interested in making decent money email my wife Susie at her email. She'll explain it all to you there and then eventually you'll have phone conversations where you'll hear me and Andrew in the background playing with his flash cards and if you're lucky, maybe you'll get to talk to me too. Or even Andrew if you're luckier. Wouldn't that be neat?

Speaking of Andrew, the kid knows the alphabet now. There's about five letters in the middle that he can't pronunciate. But everything else is clear as a bell. Then, last night, Susie told him to spell "Dog" with his flash cards that just have the letters on them. And sure enough he picked up the three letters out of the pile of cards and spelled it perfectly the first time.

Tubes in the ears, people. If I'm shilling anything here today, it's tubes in the ears.


We watched "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" the other night.

I thoroughly expected to hate it.

I actually liked it.

I've been mildly surprised by a few movies lately. Most notably "Signs", "The Good Girl", and "Divine Secrets".

"Bully" was good, but I expected it to be good.

"Run Lola Run" was a bit too German for me ... "German" meaning "avant garde".


I've apparently gotten a few people from the shows "Sorority Life" and "Fraternity Life" pissed at me for my recaps of their shows at Television Without Pity.

I think they come to the site and read the word "Television" but just skim over the whole "Without Pity" part.

Basically, I recap shows with NO PITY towards the people on the shows.

Thus, they can come off a little....strong, I guess.

Anyway, I received an email from a girl who said I was possibly the meanest asshole in the world, but I was also funny so there was some kind of balance there.

One of the frat boys called me a cock smoker and several other slurs that I don't remember because he's already been banned from the message boards and his messages removed. That bums me out.

Innyway ... I halfway expected this to happen, so I've decided to start taking it easy on the stars of these shows to protect their fragile little egos.

*Snort*

Oh c'mon....I ALMOST kept a straight face while typing that. Cut me some slack.


That's it.

Don't forget ... if you're serious about making some extra money ... email Mrs. Bob and she can tell you all about the company and how well she's done with it and how much work it entails.

I know one thing.

I can't remember ever seeing her so happy and full of energy over a "job".

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