HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

So I'm standing in the shower yesterday ... which is a good thing because had I been laying in the shower yesterday it would have meant I had either had a stroke, heart attack or insatiable desire to turn my shower into a bathtub ... when I decided "I need to get my hair cut today".

It wasn't really ratty looking or anything, but I just thought that I had the time, so what the hell ... y'know?

So I go to this new hair salon in town that I had a coupon for a free hair cut for.

I walked in and kinda shuddered inside because I was trusting the maintenance and care of my beautiful locks to a new hair stylist for the first time in almost a decade.

So I sit in the chair.

"What'll it be today?" the woman asked.

I went blank. My usual hairdresser knows what I want and how to do it. We call it a "businessman's cut". Off the collar, over the ears, somewhat feathered back. Sorry. I just can't leave the 80s behind.

"Shave it," I blurted out.

The girl stopped.

"Shave it as in ... shave your hair off?" she asked.

I probably should have said "No woman. Shave your ASS. What do you THINK I meant?"

"Yes, shave my hair off," I instructed.

What the hell was I thinking?!?

Sadly, my hair is one of my best features. I had achieved a decent mix of salt and pepper ... still a lot of pepper, but in certain light I looked gray. A distinguished gray. A gray that said "I'm getting up there, but bitch ... I'm still young at heart".

The guy next to me getting his hair cut said loudly "Go for it!"

He then regaled us all with a story on how he just got back from Iraq and over there, all the troops shaved their heads and rubbed suntan lotion on their skulls.

Well gee whiz. That's all I needed to hear. Make me look like a grunt, Sista!

She pulled out the electric clippers and started going to town on me.

In about two minutes, she had me down to a mohawk.

"Would you rather have a mohawk?" she asked.

Honestly, at that point, staring at this thick strip of hair down my skull, I honestly thought it might be a good idea.

Alas, I came to my senses rather quickly.

"Shave me clean," I said. "All the way. SHINY bald."

Thirty seconds later, I was shiny bald.

Ladies, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

When guys shave their head, they always think in their head that they're now going to be mistaken for Vin Diesel everywhere they go.

Sadly, they're mistaken for chemo patients instead.

My scalp is a pasty gray color.

I'd go outside and get it tanned, but it's going to be raining all freakin' week.

So guys, if you're wanting to shave your head, check the Weather Channel's five-day outlook first.

God.

I sure wish I had.