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7:22 a.m. - 2004-11-19

HOW TO MAKE KARAOKE FUN


A few months ago, I got really sick of Karaoke Night. I believe that fact has been well documented on this site in such entries as "I FUCKING HATE KARAOKE NIGHT" and "JESUS GOD ALMIGHTY ... HAVE A HEART AND STOP SINGING, YOU TALENTLESS WHORE".

But ... when you're a Karaoke Jock (the official name for dumbasses who get sucked into this pitiful position) it is an unwritten rule that you compliment everyone who sings, either by encouraging the entire club to applaud or giving verbal compliments over the microphone such as "That was swell!" and "Gosh! You sing like a bird!"

Rules are meant to be broken.

So a few months ago, I tested the waters and decided that rather than compliment the singers, I would insult each singer in hopes that I'd make them feel like shit in a public setting, they'd quit singing Karaoke and we could drop the promotion altogether.

The sad fact is ... people now WANT to be insulted. They've heard that the obnoxious asshole at the club is the new Don Rickles of the Karaoke sect and they flock to hear what nasty thing I'll say about them.

With that ... here's a few of my more recent insults that I can remember. Remember ... these are made after the person has sung their song and insults are made even if the person did a good job.



"That sound you hear are several stray dogs out back committing suicide."

"You know the sound you get when you accidentally run over a cat two or three times in a row? Well ... that was worse."

"If your mother were here right now, I'd slap her for giving birth to you."

"Wait ... wait (pretending to hear something in the distance). Is somebody scraping a fork down a cookie sheet? Oh ... that was you singing. Sorry."

"Wow. You should take that act out on the road. I don't care which road. Any road. Just take it and get out of here."

(After a group tackled Kool & The Gang's "Celebration") "Gee ... you guys should form a band and call it 'Cruel and the Gang' because what you just did was cruel and uncalled for."

"Man. You sing like a bird. A vulture."

(Clapping very slowly) "Wow. All those singing lessons paid off, huh Madonna?"

"Next time go the Ashlee Simpson route, sweetheart."

"Wellll ... I think my ears have finally stopped bleeding."

"That was three minutes of my life I'll never get back."

"After that song, I truly believe that there's a special place for you in Hell."

"Mississippi called. They want you to shut up NOW."

"I've heard cows in labor with more melody than that."

"Are you torturing us on purpose?"

"You didn't get much attention as a child, did you?"

"I'm only guessing here ... but isn't your father the guy who invented earplugs?"

"That song would have made Hitler weep ... in pain."

"Pick a number between 1 and 10. Got it? Okay ... what is it? (Customer shouts out number). Nope. It was "that sucked"."

"Somewhere out there Bette Midler just rolled over in her grave. What? She's not dead?? Well, she is after that rendition of 'The Rose', darlin'."

"That song belongs on an album. An album called 'Mood Music For Back Alley Abortions'."

"That was a beautiful rendition of 'Mack The Knife'. My favorite part was where you were almost in key."

"Next!"


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