THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF MARTIN

While today was SUPPOSED to be my last day of taking piss from the masses and having it analyzed for disease, I came up with a brilliant idea late yesterday afternoon.

And that was ... to make YESTERDAY my last day.

Martin ... the flamboyant new Piss Boy ... has rode with me on the route for five days now. He's driven it himself twice (in his own car which smells uncannily like ass)and he's proven to me that he knows the route and can handle it by himself.

So I went to the boss yesterday at the end of the day and asked him if he "really" needed me today as it's kinda wasteful to pay both of us to do the route anymore when the freak knows the route already.

The boss thought about it and said "Can you come in around 1?"

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

As it turns out, there's a few places that we only go to once a month or even less sometimes. He wants me to show him where those places are since Martin admittedly agrees that he has absolutely no sense of direction.

Which is kind of a plus when you're a FUCKING ROUTE DRIVER.

Anywhooo ... I agreed to come in at 1 today and show this dipshit where these places are while he pays zero attention to what I'm doing, instead regaling me with stories about himself and his family.

The "doozie of a story" he told me yesterday that I have absolutely no business knowing is this one:

Apparently, one of his sisters is on the run from the law as she and her husband were running a crystal meth lab in their home. When Johnny Law came a'knockin' at their door, the sis and hubby took their crystal meth out the back door and skipped town, leaving their three young children behind in the house for the police to hand over to DHR.

What do you say when a semi-stranger just decides to pull that story out of thin air to tell you?

Well, I went with "Hmmm. That happens".

Mainly because I didn't want to talk about it at length and the more I added to the conversation the stranger it would get.

He also shared with me that he sees a psychiatrist because he tried to kill his older brother when he was 10 with a butcher knife.

(My response: "You don't say!")

He admitted that he was NOT a homosexual, but he doesn't like girls either because girls are too much trouble.

(My response: Dead silence)

He's also buying a brand new 2005 Hyundai tomorrow to celebrate his job as Piss Boy.

Ummmmm ... that has to be the STUPIDEST thing he's said yet.

This job BARELY pays minimum wage and while you get a decent little mileage check every other week, you're still putting about $100 worth of gas in the car every week in order to do your job.

He's going to spend every penny he makes on car payments and insurance.

Anyway, I still have to ride with this nutjob for a few hours today and then it's over.

Oh!

He told me that I was quickly becoming one of his best friends yesterday.

The only reason I can think that he said that is because I'm probably one of the few people that can hold a conversation with him without continuously referring to him as "Freak Show".

That's my guess anyway.

He kept asking me to please pay them visits after I leave the Piss Factory which I agreed to do.

And I plan on coming by and checking on them periodically.

Just ... when I know that Martin will be out on the route and I will have "just missed him".

I'm no idiot.