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8:12 a.m. - 2005-04-22

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S UNCLE BOB


I did this party last night for a couple celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.

It was at a local country club that I've played at before ... a pretty swanky place if I say so myself and I do say so myself.

Yesterday afternoon, I finally got my Swamp Juice.

Swamp Juice is like Fog Juice for a fog machine ... but it's supposed to produce a thicker fog that "lingers" longer.

Holy fucking shit.

One of the songs the guy wanted me to play was Alice Cooper's "Welcome To My Nightmare". Apparently it was some kind of inside joke between the couple. I dunno. Maybe they play it during sex or something. As I said ... and follow me here ... I dunno.

So I figured that would be the song where I would debut the Swamp Juice.

I hit a short little blast of swampiness on the remote control.

Nothing.

I pushed the button again.

Nothing.

I pushed it one more time.

Did I already say "Holy fucking shit" yet??

Well lemme throw in a "Ditto" there.

It took like 30 seconds for everything to just fucking disappear.

I couldn't even see my CDs.

Several people thought my system had caught on fire but they couldn't see any flames because the clouds of smoke prevented them from even seeing each other.

Welcome to my nightmare indeed. You're all about to die at a party ... Great White-style.

The hubbub in the room rose to a new level as people were coughing and gasping and cursing.

I was just about to get on the microphone and apologize for freaking everyone's shit out when I thought "If I do that, people will think I'm a klutzy clod who pushed the remote control button too many times. I think I'll just pretend like I did it on purpose".

So I let the song play as people went around groping each other in the fog because they could get away with it.

After about five minutes, the fog started to evaporate and I could see the people at the party again.

The assistant manager of the Country Club came up to me.

"Jesus, man," he said. "Do you mind not doing that again? We had to stop taking bar orders until it went away."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I just got this stuff and it's supposed to be the primo fog stuff and I didn't think it was working and ... and ... and ... I guess I'm just a retard."

Lesson to be learned today: The Swamp Juice may not look like it's working. Just give it time, Einstein.

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