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8:07 a.m. - 2005-04-21

THE STAGE OF DEATH ALMOST CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTIM

I almost died last night.

Yes, I played on the ...

STAGE!

OF!!

DEATH!!!

Some of you may have heard of the stage of death. It's where ignorant DJs go to die.

I showed up for the party and I was tired and all "Where the fuck do I set up?" and this guy points at this huge patio on the second floor.

They've set what LOOKS like a nice stage up.

Right on the edge of the patio.

I let out a very small "Whoo-hooo!" to show my appreciation for the nice little setup they made me.

That was until I got closer.

And actually got ON the stage.

It was about two feet off the ground and pushed right to the edge of the patio.

The backs of my knees grazed the top of the patio wall.

Here ... maybe this will help you understand the peril of which I was going through.

I've made no bones about it in the past, I have a fear of heights.

One wrong move and I would have tumbled over that wall, falling about 35 feet to my death.

So the party started and I was walking gingerly on this stage like someone had lit a corn cob on fire and jammed it up my ass.

It wasn't so bad at first.

Then ... the sun went down.

And it was completely dark on my stage with the exception of the little light on my mixer thingie.

I was TERRIFIED.

I couldn't do my usual "Fat Old Guy Dance" to pretend like I really gave a shit about the music I was playing and throw out the vibe of ... hey! If the DJ is doing his embarrassing fat old guy dance then this must be a song worth dancing to! Let's hit the floor!!

I stood there all night.

Frozen in fear that I may or may not be within inches of falling to my bloated death.

Standing completely still with the occasional reaching of another CD is what saved my life.

Well ... that and not toppling over the edge of that balcony.



The crowd I played for I had played for before.

They're nice enough people, but I just ... I don't like them.

They're all co-workers spread out throughout the state.

And the guy that hires me for the gig ... he's nice ... but kinda sleazy.

The only dancing he does is that type where he makes the woman rub her ass all over his crotch like he's Prince or something.

And he just stands there with this seriously wild look on his face. Like he's about to strangle the woman.

And the women there ... they're all into the grinding on each other shit that some drunk women do.

I just feel so dirty playing for these people.

They're at least receptive to the hip-hop crunk shit I play.

But they just make me kinda ill.

I can't explain it ... they're just kinda creepy.

The damndest thing is ... they're some of the most respected people in the business world.

But put a few drinks in 'em and throw "Back Dat Ass Up" at 'em and they turn into lecherous horndogs rubbing their barely clothed genitalia all over each other in mock throes of passion.

Things that make you go ... ugh.

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